Swine flu!

There's always one that starts things off!

The little b*stard!

Pub news.

As you are aware it was Di, our ever-so-gorgeous soaker landlady's 50th 46th birthday a couple of weeks ago.

I've already posted some photos and now I have some more!

Thank-you Charlie!

What a saloon girl!

Cowboy and his moll pardner!

And who is this posing beauty and is there any wine involved?

Di, you're a star! Albeit a poser!

Joke Tuesday.

All lovers of proper English will appreciate this story.




On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to an Indian medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift
certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and
it must be respected. You
take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'.
When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded. "But when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and
said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and
began throwing off her clothes.
And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition.

Pub news.

Keith came in today, which was unusual as I thought he was going down to Winchester. It actually turned out to my advantage as Di wanted severe words with him regarding his posting on MY blog on the 17th of April.

He made the mistake of taking the p*ss out of Di's brush-head dog! Bad move!

Anyway, he got a good slapping! And then I get one for sh*t stirring! There is no justice in this world pub! Even the lovely Charlie is on my side!

That's your lot for now, more nonsense later!

Oh, by the way, Di is 46 you load of creeps!

I am dead! Good-bye!

Joke Tuesday.

Courtesy of KB . Thanks honey!



A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying ......

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife

His funeral service will be held Saturday.

Pub news.

Last Thursday was Di, our ever-so-gorgeous soaker landlady's birthday. She decided on a Western style fancy dress poker night!

Here are some photos.

Jez and Di, a lovely couple!

These are a few more revellers, even a bumble-bee turned up!

This, as you might have recognised is Charlie the barmaid, dressed up as a saloon girl! I thought they were known by another name!

Anyway, these were taken fairly early on. Things got a lot more fun as the booze flowed. Di had one hell of a migraine hangover the next day, as did Charlie. Jez got to bed at 6.30am!

To make matters worse I gave Di a bottle of 14.5% red for her birthday!

How old was she I hear you ask? Suggestions here! Be careful!

In the Munney!

I’m rich! I’m RICH! At last! My ship has come in.

On checking my emails last week I find that my uncle, Imbola Satmoni, has left me $100,000,000 and to claim it all I have to do is send $5,000 to cover the transfer fees to my new “soliciter” in Nigeria with my bank details. Great!

Then I find that I have won $25,000,000 on a lottery that I must have forgotten I’d entered. (Reminder to self: Must find the ticket out ready to claim)

Did you know that I have also been award a UN Peace Prize with a monetary award of 5,000 Somalian Marks? Well I have! I just have to let them know my bank details and they will transfer the money AND send me a superbly gilded diploma (?) in a GOLD frame to hang on my hut wall and make everyone in the village jealous!

I just can’t wait to get my hands on all that money. I will treat all my bloggy-friends to a glass of lemonade at the “Merrie Monk” as soon as it is in my bank account.

UPDATE: Just received an email from the Royal Bank of Scotland saying that my bank account had been accessed by persons unknown and would I forward my account number, password, PIN number and credit card details ASAP so that they can check to see how much money is missing. They assure me that whatever has been taken illegally will be replaced by them at their own expense. Isn’t that nice?

I have just emailed them thanking them for their kind consideration, but I do not have an account with the Bank of Scotland, but if they send me a cheque for £5,000 I will open one with it and then can replace all the money that was stolen from that account. That’s fair enough isn’t it?

So it looks like I’ve lost all of Uncle Imbolas money, my lottery winnings, and my UN money. Still I shall the gold frame with the posh diploma to sell, and then I can go to the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen and have a slap-up dinner.

Ah well, you win some, and you lose some. Ca la vie!

Fun in the Pub

Jez let Di's dog out to have a crap late one night.

He watched the football on TV, and then suddenly remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbour's cat, dead!

"Bad dog! BAD DOG!" shouted Jez. He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbour what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbour's front step.

He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt. It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put its collar back on.

While it was still dark, he crept into the neighbour's yard and laid the cat down on the porch in front of the door.

The next day, he was on on the pub carpark cleaning up the piles of 'doggy-do-do' when he saw his neighbour was outside. "Morning!," said his neighbour.

"Hi," replied Jez, nervously.
His neighbour said, "Something weird happened last night."
"Yes? What's that then?" asked Jez, sweating now.
"Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him. This morning he was lying on my front porch!"

. . . . . . o0o . . . . . .
Boom! Boom! Not really, It's just a joke to make you smile, and no doubt to get me another thumping from Di!

Joke Tuesday.

AN UPDATED VERSION OF NELSON AT TRAFALGAR.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race,20gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
.......... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson
: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shoul
dn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................ kiss me, Hardy."

Funny!

Just saw Johns latest post. Har.. har .. har .. Bloody Hell! It couldn't happen to a nicer guy! I have never laughed so much since my leg went septic!

Excuse me, I must go and change my underwear. . . .

Apart from that, doesn't Charley look nice?

Pub news- payback time!

The pub put on an Easter egg hunt for the kids today. There was also an Easter bonnet competition. As a payback for me publishing Charlie and Di yawping singing she made me this.....

I consider the debt settled!

This is the end of it. I was the only idiot person with a bonnet!

Pub news.

A few things have been brought to my attention over the past week or so. Too minor to warrant their own posts, but when put together they have a little substance.

Take the seemingly innocuous mobile phone charger. I'm sure 99.9% of you have one. They are compact and easy to use, the small bit goes into the phone, the big bit goes into the wall socket. Flick switch and BINGO it charges!

Or does it?

If, after five hours the phone is still flat something must be wrong.

"Jez, it's broke", said Di.

"Have you plugged it in?"

"Yes, look."

"Try the big end too!"

A couple of days ago Jez had a barrel of Pedigree bitter that wouldn't clear properly. This is not unheard of as Pedigree is a difficult ale to keep, and many factors can affect it.

Jez was telling Di about this problem and said he thought the atmospherics may have affected the beer in the cellar.

"We've got ghosts?", she asked.

Pub news.

This video is not meant to be exciting or funny, but to give you an insight into what Sunday nights are like in The Merrie Monk.

It is something that Jez and our ever-so-lovely soaker landlady Di have promoted. It seems to have worked with 20/25 players each week!

Thank-you to the lovely Charlie behind the bar for filming this for me!

Joke Tuesday.

Moral



Never over negotiate!














A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.



So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:



'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It reads:

'Just so you know things aren't always what they appear to be.

I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches .......... Just send the bottle back.

Aah,well!

More stunning singing!

Owing to mounting pressure from my fans Di's fans I have decided to publish Jezs' masterpiece. This could make X-Factor or the dustbin or the MTV awards!

This is a serious piece of pissed up artistic talent, nurtured over many glasses of wine years of practice!

Di and Charlie, you are stars and I am dead!