The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Hollybush Pub.

John the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience".

The excitement was almost electric as John withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

John the hypnotist said "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" exclaimed John.

It took Paul, the landlord, 4 days to clean up the pub!

Sunday Smile

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they go to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic into cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she gives him £47, a week's unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation.

"Diesel fitter," he replies.

Since diesel fitter is a skilled job the clerk gives the second guy £200 a week.

When the first guy finds out he's furious. He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. The clerk explains: "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yells the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic in and he pulls them on and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "