This was submitted by a primary school girl for an assignment.
After it was marked and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis, I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at B&Q and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This picture is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington.
Right. Let's get this straight. It's the 26th of October. Why are 25 people booked in this evening for Christmas dinner? Are these people turkey addicts?
Oh, by the way, thank-you for your comments on my 1000th post yesterday. This rubbish will continue!
This, believe it or not is my 1000th post on this blog!
I never thought that what started out as an experimental exercise on my part would have become such a part of my life. It all started from my time drinking in the Merry Monk and the assorted characters that frequented the pub. Alas, the pub is no more, so, I am back to an old haunt of mine: the Hollybush.
Although there are not the number of nutters characters in this place, there are a few!
Thank-you all for reading this rubbish and giving me something to do!
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
Meet Coldwater !
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!
Yesterday lunchtime, as I walked in I noticed that every table had a reserved sign on it. (Not mine, of course. We sit in the PLEB bar area!) Anyway, when I arrived there were cars all along the road outside the pub. I enquired as to what was happening, and apparently there was a christening at the church down the road.
At 12.30 twenty or-so people from the christening came in for lunch. They hadn't booked! Muppets!
A short precis about lunchtime in the pub so far this week.
Sunday- packed.
Monday- packed.
Tuesday packed.
Wednesday- packed.
Today- packed.
Most evenings apart from last night have been good too!
Oh, I forgot! There are thirty booked in tonight!
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made £30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made £45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "£2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh*t!" Then I would say, "It is dog sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty that they say is good, And then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
We are, thanks to our super-efficient council getting a new wheelie bin. Another one!
We currently have a green bin for garden waste, a small blue bin for newspapers, another small bin for cans and bottles and a food waste bin. Oh, I forgot the black bin for stuff that doesn't go into the other three!The blurb reads: "A new wheeled bin (BLUE LID) for paper, glass, tins, cardboard, plastics, juice cartons and aerosols. Existing GREEN wheeled bin for garden waste. Existing BLACK wheeled bin for non-recyclable waste. No recycling or food waste boxes will no longer be needed.
Right. What are we supposed to do with any food waste, and what is non-recyclable waste?
If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was..')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
I don't usually post religious stuff, but this made me smile!
The pub was rammed again yesterday. As I left at 3pm I couldn't get to the bar to pay, so todays bill was rather large! Sunday lunch was worth it though!
