I really don't know what to do with Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady.
I arrived at the usual time to find the soaker and her friend (who was helping behind the bar) soaking wet!
Di had pulled the top off the tap, after being told not to use it!
THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland
Bank holidays are always difficult to predict as people return to work on the Tuesday. Today has been steady. Yesterday,however was manic!! All day was busy and the evening poker night attracted a good turnout. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady came second!
Unusual for her!
The food trade is going very well. Good food at a very reasonable price. A restaurant it isn't,nor does it pretend to be. Just serving what the customers enjoy! Just in time for the visit of my mate Mutleythedog who should be here with his owner/minder soon.
In other pub related news, Charlie, our now very round barmaid is due to hatch a baby girl in June. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady is doing a great job running this nuthouse AND cooking as well!
More soon.
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
Thanks to Mr.Farty
Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady accidently got pissed again the other night.
"It wasn't my fault!", she protested. "Whose fault was it?", I enquired, somewhat bemused at this statement.
"They kept buying me wine", she replied. "But you didn't have to drink it all in one night", I replied. "No, but....er...it would have been rude not to".
As the evening wore on and the drink kept flowing, mother nature kicked in and a trip to the loo beckoned. Stephen, one of the locals was locked in conversation with Di. "I've got to have a Pee", he says. "Me too", says Di, "I'll come with you".
In the GENTS, Stephen is stood at the urinal, Di is sat in the cubicle still talking.
"God, I sound like a carthorse having a piss", she blurts out. Stephen nearly wets himself!
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position..........
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
As you have gathered our pub has had a facelift, so the old header has had to be revised. What do you think? Any constructive criticisms and ideas welcome.
The charming lass in the header is Charlie, our lovely barmaid, and of course John himself. Here is a larger picture for you to print off and frame.
By the way, it was also my ex-wife's *SPIT* birthday yesterday. I hope it was a good one. . . and she got everything I wished for her. . .
