Joke Tuesday.

Subject: FW: Fw: Deaf Wife problem.

I have this same problem at home, Deaf Wife problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this!!)

'Dammit, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Joke Tuesday.

Ed Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was headed to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. She could see this from their bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

Quickly, he phoned the police who asked, "Are they in your house?"

He said, "No! But, some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy, right now. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay!"

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then, he phoned the police again. "Hello! I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them, because I just shot and killed them, both. The dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars, red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: Fwd: That will teach the Yanks‏.

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative, I say again, divert your course.

US Navy: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse - now f*** off!!

Joke Tuesday.

An elderly man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest./p>

The old man asked, "Do you think I should tell her that the war is over?"

Garden news.

Honey bee,I think.

It's a little butterfly, but I don't know what the name is.

A Tortoiseshell butterfly.

Joke Tuesday.

The Arrogance of Authority.

A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"

The rancher then nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge! Show him your f*****g BADGE........ !"

Pub news.

It was fairly busy in the pub this lunchtime, which is unusual after a busy weekend. Sunday lunch was, as usual the busier of the two days. My own Sunday roast was gobbled down with the gusto it merits!!

Next month Paul stages the second beer festival of the year. Photos will follow. Things are lookin good!

Joke Tuesday.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Garden news.

Some photos for you.

Peacock butterfly.

Day Lily.

Crinnum flower.

Inside the Crinnum.

Joke Tuesday.

Little Firefighter.

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing..

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'