Joke Tuesday.

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So, every morning I shout, 'Two sugars, fat arse!'

Pub news.

Look, I know it's too early for most, but the landlord has to think ahead! So, hear is this years Christmas menu.

Joke Tuesday.

Best Caddy Responses:

Number :10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .that would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . . . . An old favorite . . . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . .. .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"

Caddy: "There's a piece of s**t on the end of your club."

Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .

Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"

Joke Tuesday.

The Australian charm!

Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird. And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab.

So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care. So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there.

No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts. They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you’re as good as I was ever gonna get.

No matter what you look like I'll always love ya dear.

Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer.

Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it . .

Joke Tuesday.

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Irish Railway Company.

-----------------------------------

Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.

Pub news.

The pub's newest canine addition is growing well!

Eddy at 4 months!

Joke Tuesday...on Wednesday! Ok, I forgot!

IRISH DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the skippin'

New blog.

An old friend of mine has just started a blog. He's a superb photographer of birds, moths and general fauna. It's well worth a look,just ignore the football bits!!

Football and Fauna

Pub news.

The beer festival started last night. Apparently the first band were brilliant, and, as the place was packed to the rafters they said it was the best attended gig they'd done!

Surprisingly, for a Saturday lunch the food trade was really good today,with 30 meals served.

Tonight there is a six-piece jazz band playing called Funk'd and I expect it will be packed again!

Pub news.

It's the second beer festival of the year! It starts on Friday at 5pm, and runs through until Sunday.