Pub news.

The answer as to where Di, our ever-so lovely soaker landlady left her car keys.

I'm amazed nobody got this!

It's obvious!

Joke Tuesday.

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which
I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the
only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 and Girlfriend 1.2 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While wife 1.0 tends to use up
all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
CleanHouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0
could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They
then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,
without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products
have no help files, and it leaves me to try and guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and HairStyle Expess which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches its self to Saab
93, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003,
but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if
Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all your money before
uninstalling itself.

Just a warning chaps!

Pub news.

After all the partying over the weekend, we come back to some normality. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady lost her car keys this lunch time (again)!

Todays competition is to guess where she found them after ages of looking and lots of swearing.

No prizes, but I don't think you'll get it.

Answer on Wednesday.

Pub news.

There is a 21st birthday party in the pub tonight, which will inject some much needed funds into the coffers. It is for one of Sharon the barmaids daughters party. Bunting was hung this lunchtime (don't know what he did wrong).

I lent Sharon my little video camera, so I should have some interesting footage soon! Stay tuned!

Joke Tuesday.

Gordon Brown called Alistair Darling into his office one day and said,
'Alistair , I have a great idea!? We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' Said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, Oh and a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, ........... Oh! and remember not to mention the 'Hunting With Dogs' Act

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, Two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown.

'Good evening, Prime Minister' Said the landlord, 'two pints of Best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling.

People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' Said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that??? Is It an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' Said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in the bar with two arseholes'

Cheers!

Pub news.

I'm a little perplexed. Di, our ever-so lovely soaker landlady and me had been getting on really well over the past few weeks. No beatings, whatever I said, the odd hug here and there, the odd peck on the cheek!

Today, I saunter wobble in and get hit!

"What was that for?" I asked.

Di replied that some locals came in last night and enquired if she was still battering me! She said she hadn't done for a while, but would do!

CHARMING! It makes you know your friends!

Joke Tuesday.

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed
Over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
Side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,

With that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded

The cop stammered, a what?

A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my
Way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole
Hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in,
And then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet
Wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked


'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...... PRICELESS

For everything else, there's MasterCard

Pub news.

Di, our ever-so lovely soaker landlady has had, for once, some good news. She was really happy when I walked in yesterday and greeted me with a hug and a kiss. (Strange I thought).

However, when, somewhile later she asked, "Are we going to play with each other tonight", my eyes lit up. "Oh,hell yes!" I replied.

Alas, she was on about the poker on Facebook!

Joke Tuesday.

Today, I bring some of the least intelligent people in England attempting to answer basic questions on various T.V. and Radio shows. Enjoy!

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you




BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester



BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO (MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ..
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er .. .....
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.


ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?



CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er... .... ..
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

Pub News.

The new decade kicks off in style. Di will not let the side down.

On Saturday night the machine that dispenses the coke, lemonade,etc packed up. Di, our ever-so lovely soaker landlady contacted the brewery to come and fix it. The lady on the phone said it was the gas. Di said the gas was ok. The lady on the phone said it was the gas. Di lost it. Charlie the lovely barmaid rang them and spoke to a nice man who talked her through some procedures.

In the cellar there is a pump which deals with flooding. Next to the switch for that is a switch for the machine in question.

Which one had the soaker turned off?