Pub news.

The kids are on their summer holidays. Unfortunately for the resident mad Scotsman, Scot,(that is his name),the owner of 'Titch', it has been two days of misery and exercise. Paul, the landlords youngest son has one of these.

In the hands of this 8 year old sniper/terrorist, this is a lethal weapon of mass drenchings! Scot, who wont back away from anyone got chased around the outside of the pub by the water pistol bearing assassin.

Revenge was sweet, with bucket of water adding the coup de grace!

Pub news.

I checked my wallet this morning. Their was a sufficient amount left to cover the lunchtime session.

Upon arriving at the pub, Paul, the piss-taking genial landlord brought my pint to my table. "I'll put that on yesterdays tab," he said, with a wry smile. No wonder there was plenty of dosh available, I'd innocently done a runner! In all fairness, he'd forgotten too and only realised when he couldn't shut the till down last night. At the end of my allotted time, I settled up, apologised and went home. I thought about the two-day bill and concluded......drink more!!!

I'm sure the 'Chairman' would agree. As would Paul!

Joke Tuesday.

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we
go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do
with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I
love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched
TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all
around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed
too but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.
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Husband's Diary:
A four putt !!!!!------ who takes four putts?!!!

Pub news.

The 'Chairman' was on good form this lunchtime.

Two ladies came in for lunch, one of them with some form of disability, as she had one of those Zimmer frames on wheels to get around. Her friend went to find a table, whilst she came to the bar to order drinks. (The 'Chairman' was wearing an old St. Patricks day Guiness T-shirt, with 'BAR STAFF' on the back.) He offered to carry the ladies drinks to their table, as the disabled lady couldn't manage. On spotting the back of his T-shirt she asked how long had he worked here. "It's my first day, but I don't officially start until 6pm",he said.(It was 12-40pm, and he's on his second Guinness!)

After their meal, one of the waitresses bought their money to the bar. The 'Chairman' took the change back to them. As they left, he owned up to not being a staff member.(The woman was surprised.)He bade them a fond farewell and thanked them for eating in the Hollybush.

I think they will be back,if only to meet the nicest nut i've met in a long while!

Mr. 'Chairman', you are a star!

Joke Tuesday.

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. 'The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

Pub news.

The 'Chairman's' suit fitting.

This is the best man.

The'Chairman'. Doesn't he scrub up well?

The wedding is in October,so,hopefully i'll have some photos for you.

Joke Tuesday.

THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair and lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever did make and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Ohhh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'I was so proud of myself and while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So, that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
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>'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

General drivel.

This annoying little b*stard is called 'Thrips',or Thunderbug. It is currently irritating everyone I know. It doesn't bite or sting, it just walks on you and irritates the hell out of you.

What really gets me, is they're that small (1mm), that you can't see them coming!

I've tried an infusion of lager to put them off, but to no avail. Any suggestions?

Pub news.

The "Chairman's" son gets married soon. The Chairman is understandably excited, although the wallet isn't! He has a suit measuring coming up, but this week, he proudly announced that he had bought some new socks and polished his shoes twice!

I eagerly await e-mails from the future Mother-in-law! Which rag they will be in remains to be seen!

Joke Tuesday.

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS