Glasses update.

One week on.I think i'm getting used to them. The reading aspect is getting a lot easier,but the going down stairs is still disconcerting. I can't get used to looking down and everything going blurred!

Time will tell, i'm sure.

Truth Tuesday.

I've finally,after years and years of blood and sweat,completed my new medicine cabinet!

Disease
Wine
Daily dose

Allergies
Chardonay de Paeuf
1 glass

Anemia
Graves
4 glass





Bronchitis
Bourgogne or Bordeaux
> ( + sugar and cinnamon )
3 cups

Constipation
Anjou blanc electricity . Vouvray
4 glass

Coronary arteries
Dry Champagne
4 glass

Diarrhoea
Beaujolais Nouveau
4 glass

Fever
Champagne sec
1 bottle

Heart
Burgundy , Santenay Rouge
Two glass

Uric acid gout
Sancerre , Pouilly Fume
4 glass

Hypertension
Alsace , Sancerre
4 glass

Menopause
Saint Emilion
4 glass

Depression
Rhine
4 glass

Obesity
Burgundy
4 glass

Obesity
Rose Provence
1 bottle

Rheumatism
Champagne
4 glass

Excessive weight loss
Chateau de Beaune
4 glass

General Drivel.

I collected my new glasses today. These are the first pair of varifocals i've had, the previous pair being distance only. Aren't they weird at first? They will take some getting used to! It's the fact that looking down at one's feet whilst climbing or descending stairs the reading part of the lens is in view, thus blurred! Still, it's very early days so i'll persevere and keep you informed.

Joke Tuesday.

Invest carefully:


If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you
would have £49.00 today.


If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have
£33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have £0.00 today.


But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you
would have received a £214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.


A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a
year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.


That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?

General drivel.

I've just been to have my eyes tested. I need new glasses. £345.00!

Apparently I now require reading glasses, so I have opted for varifocals.(I don't want to carry two pairs around with me.) I thought i was exempt from the eye test charge, due my disability.(I didn't pay last time!), but no, i am £25.00 lighter. The goalposts have been moved, unless you live in Scotland or Wales that is! Then it's free!

One of the criteria on the official form for a free test is if you are blind!

I'm speechless, but not surprised at this stupid country.

Joke Tuesday.(or not!)

A DC 'airline ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ...''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA. Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, LA. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in! Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US & ARE IN POLITICS.

Joke Tuesday.

From the American Association

Of Retired People







Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?Where it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!

Pub news.

The 'Chairman' came out with a beauty today!

"I was thinking about stringing a hammock up in the garden, but i'm a tree short. I may lay it on the ground to try it out first."

"You'll still fall out", I said.

NUT!

Pub news.

This place runs like a well-oiled machine,(that's enough about the locals!)

Seriously though, today saw the usual Thursday lunchtime eaters in, plus 21 ramblers, who had pre-booked and pre-ordered their food. Ramblers is a good description, as they rambled on so much that you couldn't hear yourself think! Then the food came out and peace was restored. They departed, seemingly satisfied,(judging by the comments) no doubt to return. So well done to 'le chef' and 'Bobster', the waitress. Oh, and Paul!

Tomorrow we can get back to re-oiling the locals machine!

Joke Tuesday.

I was in ectasy, with a smile on my face.

As my girlfriend moved backwards then forwards, then backwards, forwards then backwards, back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out.

Her heart was pounding, her face was getting flush and she started to groan.

Then she let out an almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this f*cking car! You do it you smug b*stard!

Now, what were you thinking?