A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
Thanks KB.
I think we have achieved a world record!
Today was like A and E in the local hospital.
I shall run through the casualties.
Me, the original cripple, 1 crutch, 1 wheelchair. The Wing Commander, 2 crutches, broken ankle. The Poacher, 2 crutches, achilles tendon. Simon, 2 crutches, M.S.
So, we have 7 crutches and 1 wheelchair, all within a 14' by 8' space!
Oh, I forgot Rab.C Nesbit, with the bad arm!
Impressive or what?
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his
shoulder,
warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then
'1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join
him
in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition,because we could end up with a dangling
participle.
The mad Scotsman is continuing to torment me. His hand is still heavily bandaged, but he isn't looking for sympathy,as he knows none will be forthcoming!
I have decided to give him a nickname. From now on he shall be known as Rab.
Most of you will recognise this character from the 80's sitcom, Rab.C Nesbit. A hard drinking, heavy smoking Glaswegian reprobate.
Hello,Scotty! Welcome to your new moniker!
I am pleased to announce that Scott, the mad Scotsman is out of hospital. The operation appears to have been a success. He has got a 3 month recovery schedule, by when, he should be able to use his left hand again. More torment for me! *sigh*.
Titch finishing her bowl of guiness!
On a more serious note, Titchs' owner, Scott, the mad Scotsman is going into hospital tomorrow for an operation to repair his hand.
I wish him well, at least i'll have a day off from him tormenting me!
I arrived with my hop-along mate at 12-00 noon, as usual. I'd noticed a smallish coach in the car park as we pulled up, and remembered that Paul had a party of 20 booked in.
As we walked/hopped in the first thing we noticed was the noise! Twenty women on an Age Concern outing can make a formidable row.
They were soon fed and watered and left fully sated. Add them to the other dozen or so meals and it was a busy lunchtime.
The 2 for 1 offer certainly works!
Medical Term
Irish Definition
Artery
-
The study of paintings
Bacteria
-
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
-
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
-
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
-
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
-
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
-
Made eye contact with her
Colic
-
A sheep dog
Coma
-
A punctuation mark
Dilate
-
To live long
Enema
-
Not a friend
Fester
-
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
-
A small lie
Impotent
-
Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain
-
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
-
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
-
A higher offer
Nitrates
-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
-
I knew it
Outpatient
-
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
-
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
-
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
-
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
-
Nearly killed him
Secretion
-
Hiding something
Seizure
-
Roman Emperor
Tablet
-
A small table
Terminal Illness
-
Getting sick at the airport
Tumour
-
One plus one more
Urine
-
Opposite of you're out
As you know, apart from my wheelchair, I use a crutch to get around. Last Tuesday I got a text from my mate(the beer-monster), who had broken his ankle, asking for a lift to the pub. He is on two crutches, I use one.
Then today, the pair of us were in the pub when the usual Thursday mob came in. One of the lads has M.S.,and uses two crutches, so, briefly there were more crutches than customers in the pub. The landlord said it was like a doctors waiting room!
The other locals who came in were kept busy passing us fresh pints! They are a great bunch!
Paddy buys a chainsaw, which guarantees to cut down 40 trees an hour.
Paddy sets to work but only manages 4 trees in the hour. Paddy takes it back to the shop and tells the owner that it only cut 4 trees down in the hour.
With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw. Paddy looks at him and says.......
"What the f*cks's that noise!"
