The Christmas decorations went up yesterday! That means we'll have a month of carols on the stereo!
The people around here can't be superstitious, as Paul has ninety booked in on Friday 13th Dec!!
Don't these people get fed up of turkey?
The Xmas meals start on the 1st, and the pub is fully booked for the month!
The following may contain and ending that may upset some of the more squeamish of you...but, hey ho!
I walked into a pet shop today and said, "I'll have those two cute baby rabbits in the window please".
"No problem." she smiled, "Would you like anything else?"
"Yes, I replied, "I'll have one of the big things that they go inside".
"A hutch?", she asked.
"A snake"...
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
Cheers, Malc Riley!!
The technician at wheelchair services came out to service my chariot this morning. After nearly 14 years of hard labour the old girl failed the MOT, and was consigned to the scrapheap! The part of the back-rest that holds my life-blood arm support has snapped, and is beyond repair. So, a new chariot will be here A.S.A.P!
The old girl's lasted well!
True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart... The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'
