JokeTuesday.

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."
Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"

Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "why not?"

Woman: "I Stole this car and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"
woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Senior Officer: "one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: "Murdered the owner!"

Senior Officer: "yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am"?
Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.

Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "I bet the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!"

Mishap Tuesday # 12.

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado, here are the 2010 Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'


IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Pub news.

The last few weeks have seen a soaring trade in the food side of the business. I only see the lunchtime trade, but the evenings have been good too.

Now, as every restaurant/pub goer knows, there will,inevitably be the odd chip,pea,carrot or some other item of food dropped on the floor. Most people, at the end of the shift use on of these to clear up.

This is "Henry", a favourite in the trade!

Paul, the landlord has a cheaper, more effective alternative. This cleaner is an automatic version of "Henry", but needs less guidance and is 100% guaranteed to deliver the desired result.

Meet "Alphie"!!

Joke Tuesday # 11.

It all began with an iPhone...


July was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it. Who wouldn't?





I celebrated my birthday in September, and my wife made me very happy when
she bought me an iPad.



My daughter's birthday was in November so I got her an iPod Touch.






My wife celebrated her birthday last week so I got her an iRon.





It was around then that the fight started......

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network
with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service

I should be out of the hospital by Monday

Joke Tuesday # 10.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The
mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so was all mankind made.."








Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were
monkeys from which the human race evolved."





The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mom , how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Pub news and general drivel.

Angie, a lovely woman who does the cleaning plus other work in the pub was in with her grand-daughter. She bought a bag of crisps for her and tried opening them by compressing the pack until the top popped open. Except the bottom popped open all over her lap! We didn't laugh....much!

On a topical note, there was a letter in todays Daily Telegraph from a man who went into a shop for a valentines card. He found one with, "You are the only one for me" on the front.......it was a 3 pack!!!!!

Pub news.

Loros is a hospice in Leicester that provides cancer patients with valuable care. We, as a family have always supported them and contribute a monthly donation, so when my DVD racks became full, I deciced to have a clear-out.

I took the unwanted films to the pub and Paul the landlord agreed to sell them at £1 for a single DVD and £5 for a box set.

They sold that day, raising £34, which we rounded up to £50.

So thanks to the locals that bought the films, Loros will be grateful!

Joke Tuesday # 9.

A new store that sells husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited ...............

General drivel.

The following photos were taken this week in Schererville,Indiana,USA by my poker friend Bill.

Bills wife Val fooling around!

So you think we had snow this winter! Val clearing the path outside the front door!

Oh, and in case you are wondering why Bill isn't doing it, he's disabled, so the snow would be over his head!

This is were the road clearer piled the snow. View from Bills window.

It's currently about -21c over there!

Joke Tuesday.#8

1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I can't recall, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object.. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4.. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!


Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor.