Pub news.

A near full-house this lunchtime, and 72 booked in tonight for the end of season shoot's meal.

Things look good!

Home news.

It's coming up for another birthday!

I had a card delivered on Tuesday(a week early). I showed it to Dad and he said, "when's that, then" ?!!!!

Joke Tuesday.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again.

with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ........

> . > . > . > . > .

"What the F*ck would they want with a plasterer ??!"

Joke Tuesday.

I'm getting on now, so don't take offence! You can have the gate, it's knackered!!

Seniors:

Hints on how to liven up your idle hours... To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!

2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!?

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water with two ice cubes and no sharp edges whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Joke Tuesday.

We had a power cut last week and my PC,TV and games console shut down immediately. It was raining-- I couldn't play golf so I talked to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Last joke of 2013!

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.'****

A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my friends!

Home news.

That's it!! The Christmas cards have been lobbed in the bin: it's over, finito, done with!! Roll on normality!

Festive joke Tuesday!

*Onions and Christmas Trees *

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions." ! "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree ?" !

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration." !

Merry Christmas!

Joke Tuesday.

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her explain that to you."

Pub news.

Busy day for the staff today! Thirty meals done by 2pm, then 104 booked in from 4pm!! Repeat tomorrow and Sunday!