Joke Tuesday.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ....."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK"?

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL.

Pub/Home news.

Busy, busy in the pub last week!

Home wise, it's been up and down. The *up* is the Dad got a new driving license for another 3 years! That takes him to 87!!

The *down* is that my mobile stopped working. It's ok on the wi-fi in the pub, but the 3G has packed up.

I rang Vodafone and ordered a Nokia lumia 520, which duly arrived on Friday. What a load of crap it is! It runs Windows 8 , which doesn't get on with my old Android phone, so, I couldn't exchange my contacts from the old phone!

*Down* #2 is that Dad tried to take the back off it for me and broke the screen!!!!

I have to ring them up tomorrow to get a new phone and see what the repercussions are re-the new/old phone!

Joke Tuesday.

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not able to get any at home, but that's no excuse аs I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Joke Tuesday.

Some of you will get this, some wont!

My golfing friends:

I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and in order to market the publication. I'm asking friends and to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my many years of experience

.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee.

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank.

Chapter 4) When to Give the Greenkeeper the Finger.

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water.

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee.

Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee.

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.

and not forgetting...

Chapter 10) How to help your opponent find his ball when you are standing on it.

The book also includes some useful GOLF TERMINOLOGY.

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole.

A Muldoon - very very nasty little 5 footer.

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read.

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't.

A Cuban - needs one more revolution.

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim.

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker.

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand.

A Kate Moss - bit thin.

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional.

A Rodney King - over-clubbed.

An O.J. Simpson - got away with it.

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver.

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver.

An elephant's arse - high and shitty.

A condom - safe but didn't feel real good.

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out! Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise......

Joke Tuesday.

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years.You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

My favourite football manager Bobby Robson.

My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros.

And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Alec Salmond, Tony Blair, David Cameron, George Osborne, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown & Harriet Harman, Ed Miliband. ( in no particular order )

Amen.

Joke Tuesday.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

Joke Tuesday.

OATMEAL FOR BREAKFAST.

A TOUGH OLD CATTLEMAN FROM ALBERTA COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED.

SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE!

Joke Tuesday.

An Aussie lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Pub news.

A near full-house this lunchtime, and 72 booked in tonight for the end of season shoot's meal.

Things look good!

Home news.

It's coming up for another birthday!

I had a card delivered on Tuesday(a week early). I showed it to Dad and he said, "when's that, then" ?!!!!

Joke Tuesday.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again.

with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ........

> . > . > . > . > .

"What the F*ck would they want with a plasterer ??!"

Joke Tuesday.

I'm getting on now, so don't take offence! You can have the gate, it's knackered!!

Seniors:

Hints on how to liven up your idle hours... To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!

2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!?

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water with two ice cubes and no sharp edges whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Joke Tuesday.

We had a power cut last week and my PC,TV and games console shut down immediately. It was raining-- I couldn't play golf so I talked to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.