The "Chairman" was on good form today. Paul, the landlord had popped upstairs when a lady came to the bar to place an order. As she stood there, waiting, the "Chairman! said,"He'll be back in a second, he's just gone upstairs to get the chef another bottle of gin."
"Ok", she replied.
Some people will believe anything!
Today was manic in the pub. Forty-seven old dodderers OAPs in for lunch,(The Evergreen club). All food had been pre-ordered to give the chef half a chance and within 15/20 minutes of sitting down they were all eating!
Meanwhile, at the bar. The "Chairman" and unidentified friend(nice photo Paul!)
Pat, a picture of concentration. He didn't even notice the flash going off!
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".
Thanks, KB!
You've seen Titch before.
When you take a young lady out to mark her 18th birthday (3rd, in real terms), you expect to foot the bill and make sure she has a nice seat where she can enjoy a drink.
After a celebratory drink, it's time to relax.
No animal was harmed in the making of this post, although Titch's owner might feel rough tomorrow! Nice one Scott!
I had a visit from Di this lunchtime,(we try to meet once a week). She goes on holiday to Majorca with her mother tomorrow. I have informed the Majorcan authorities!
She had some fancy nail thingys put on the other day in the local dump city. It was a nail salon she hadn't used before and,on entering, had a look round and spotted a woman doing nothing. She approached her and pushed her hand under the womans' nose and proceeded to explain what she required, but could she check her nail-base first. Five minutes later the woman said, "I don't work here, I'm waiting for mine to set".
After eventually having her nails done,Di leaves the salon. It starts pouring with rain(no brolly). Whilst gettig soaked, she is accosted by a man who thrusts a card under her nose trying to sell her insurance.As she tries to get rid of him,she is distracted and walks into a lamp-post! Relatively unhurt, but very wet and now embarrased, she toddles off home.
Maybe she should have taken the insurance!
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope.
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Nightmare!! Getting on to AOL took 3 hours today! I've tried Internet Explorer,(AOL not responding,or network unavailable),switching the whole lot off, so as to re-boot the router, then all of a sudden, i'm on-line! THREE hours!
My computer guru is coming over to take a look. I think it maybe the router.
Oh, and my printer is firing blanks, except when you print the test page!?
It never rains. I wish it would though, my garden is dying!
Don't Lie
After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink.
As he enters the bar this gorgeous blonde calls him over. She says: "Instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night". He is dumbfounded but decides to go anyway.
After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . "O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go. It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this".
She says: "Don't worry it was just a one night stand".
As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home.
As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says: "And where were you?!". He replies: "I was at the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex". She says: "Let me see your hands"
He put out his hands and she says: "DON'T LIE TO ME, YOU WENT BOWLING!"
