Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Joke Wednesday

Ok, so I forgot yesterday!


The Tesco Doctor.

One day,in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

Mike replies; "Listen mate, don't waste your time at the surgery. There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong,and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs £5.00.....a lot quicker than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

So Jack collects a urine sample and takes it to Tesco. He deposits £5.00 in the machine and the computer lights up and asks for the sample. He pours it in and waits.

Ten seconds later,the printout arrives:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack took the mixture back to Tesco and paid his £5.00. The print-out was as follows:

1) Your tap water is too hard, get a softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours, get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop wanking your elbow will never get better!

Thank-you for shopping at Tesco.

= = = = = = = = = = =


Keith, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy divorcee, shows up at the "Merrie Monk" pub with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who amazes everybody with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Keith’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His mates in the pub are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Keith, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Keith replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

John G is knocked over, and asked, “So, Grumpy, how did you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age”, Keith says.

“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”

Keith smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90, with a dicky heart.”

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wish!

Keith

Ricardipus said...

Aaaaaaaargh!

[reads second joke]

Aaaaaaaargh!



Glad to see all is well with the world - terrible joaks over here.

Oh, and how, exactly, did you get awarded "Rockin' Girl Blogger" thingies on your sidebar? Is there something you're not telling us, sir?

ChrisB said...

I have just spluttered my camomile tea all over the keyboard~ I think we both posted good ones this week!

PI said...

I don't understand why Keith wishes he was 90 with a dicky heart.
No accounting for tastes. Thanks for Chad.

Ché l'écossais said...

I know Chad, and you lie.
He doesn't even drive.

Anonymous said...

Pat - No, I wasn't wishing for a dicky heart or to be 90. I was wishing for the chance to marry a 25yr old fem. Doh!

Keith

Anji said...

Tesco must have changed a lot since I left the country

I love the second joke.

sablonneuse said...

Two good ones there john-g. Hope Keith enjoyed the second one!
sablonneuse

john.g. said...

Ricardipus, blame Sally and Headless Chicken! There is nothing sinister!!

Jin said...

As ever, a cracking good joke,plus the bonus Keith one!

PI said...

Keith: do you not know when I am joking yet? Doh!!!!

Mr Farty said...

Cripes, I drop off t'internet for a week and you go mad with the jokes! I really really like the Tesco one!