This has been taken in part from todays Sunday Telegraph.
Just in time for the New Year , we have discovered a useful new concept: the resolution-lite. Reports say that some obliging scientists have discovered that "pottering about" is good for burning off calories. Another group of obliging medical experts say that more people, particularly men in their forties (ME), are risking serious injury by entering the triathlon, or other extreme sport (HELLO)?!
So here are some timely suggestions for 2008:
Set aside 20 mins a day for some serious loitering, just wandering about. Re-tie your shoe laces twice a day, the bending down works wonders! Burn off those calories by blinking. Try stretching by putting the whisky bottle on a higher shelf. Make the sacrifice and switch to dark chocolates. Tone up your thigh muscles by carrying more loose change.
Happy New Year!!
Sunday, 30 December 2007
This has been taken in part from todays Sunday Telegraph.
Thursday, 27 December 2007
We had a bit of fun in the local this lunchtime.It was a big day in the horse racing year, the Welsh Grand National. Keith rolled up and joined in. Also in attendance were Nikki, Charlie(not the peke), Steve and moi. The idea was to pick a horse in each of the televised races and put £1.00 down. If no-one won, it was nearest the winner. Nikki cleaned up after the first roll-over.
Tomorrow we go for the roll-over (I won the penultimate race), no-one won the last.
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
This is for our lovely landlady, Di. She has a Peke called Charlie (say no more)!
Di takes some stick about Charlie, but also hands out some good hidings in return. This is my way of
getting a present some brownie points!
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my bloggie friends. Especially those who have helped me with this HTML crap, I will be forever grateful.
Christmas in our house is not a joyous affair these days, so we wander down the garden and through the magic gate that leads to my crazy 'sisters'', and her equally crazy(Welsh) husband. They treat us to a superb lunch,(we supply the vino), and I try to get just drunk enough so I can still walk. Then it's back home for a snooze........perfect!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
It was the happiest day of my life. We arrived at church,she was waiting at the altar. I walked up the aisle, kissed her on the cheek, smiled and then closed the f*cking lid!
Jack & Jill were just married. Jack took his trousers off and told Jill to try them on. Jill said, " they're too big. Jack says,"exactly! I wear the trousers in this marriage".
Jill said,"try my knickers on". Jack said,"I'll never get into them!"
She said, "EXACTLY! And if you don't change your attitude, you never will!!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Thursday, 13 December 2007
I am a dead man
walkingwheeling. Di, our beloved landlady let slip a little bit of information that yours truly latched onto.
The beer monster asked for two pints of Pedigree and a packet of crisps.
'That reminds me', says Di. 'The crisp and sweet delivery man is coming today, and I love climbing on his wagon to see what he's got for me!'
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
I did't get to the pub on Monday because some tw*t rang up and said his company had taken over the servicing contract for all of Leicestershires wheelchair users. I've had mine for 7 years, and nobody has asked to service it before. I said he could have a look.
"What time?" I asked.
"Between 12.30 and 4.00pm." Great, there's my boozing gone. Do you know what time he turned up? F*cking 4.05pm!! He twizzled the wheels, rattled it a bit and gave me a certificate. TWO minutes! And he saved me money.....the bastard! Why can't these people turn up within an hour of the first time? I could have made the pub, and not got a bollocking off the landlord for affecting his takings. I think he should sue.
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
Policeman on a horse says to a little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," She replies.
"Well tell him to put a reflector on it next year." He fined her £5.00.
The girl looked up and said, "Nice horse, you get that from Santa?"
"Yes", he chuckles, I sure did.
"Well", she said, "Next year get him to put the pr*ck under the horse!!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Thursday, 6 December 2007
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
Ok, so I forgot yesterday!
The Tesco Doctor.
One day,in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
Mike replies; "Listen mate, don't waste your time at the surgery. There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong,and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs £5.00.....a lot quicker than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
So Jack collects a urine sample and takes it to Tesco. He deposits £5.00 in the machine and the computer lights up and asks for the sample. He pours it in and waits.
Ten seconds later,the printout arrives:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening whilst thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.
Jack took the mixture back to Tesco and paid his £5.00. The print-out was as follows:
1) Your tap water is too hard, get a softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours, get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop wanking your elbow will never get better!
Thank-you for shopping at Tesco.
Keith, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy divorcee, shows up at the "Merrie Monk" pub with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who amazes everybody with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Keith’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His mates in the pub are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Keith, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Keith replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
John G is knocked over, and asked, “So, Grumpy, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Keith says.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Keith smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90, with a dicky heart.”
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Monday, 3 December 2007
Right! We have hundreds of politicians and other associated hangers-on/wankers flying out to Bali for a conference on climate change. How eco-friendly is that? Five star hotels, all expenses paid! Oh, the luxury.
It has been calculated that this conference on "saving" the planet has chucked the same amount of CO2 out as Chad does in a year!
What a load of crap!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, December 03, 2007
Sunday, 2 December 2007
I haven't gone far, I still read and comment on blogs where I can, so just be careful what you say!
Don't say too much John, because I could write a few tales about what goes on in that pub that you daren't tell anyone... For instance, didn't I see Di (landlady) threaten you at lunchtime? You thought I wasn't looking! Oh yes, and the episode concerning the dead partridges springs to mind as well.
No, nice people, my blog isn't closed. It's only a temporary thing because I have several other websites that need my attention. I do have two other blogs that I write to under a nom-de-plume (pen name, for the non-French speakers) which seem to attract a lot of hits. They are not on Blogger because I don't have a Google account. As Sandy says, we will not be pressurised into opening one either.
Babs - Maybe I can't yell at you from "Smithy Lane" at the moment but I can yell at you from Johns page, but being such an outstandingly polite gentleman I wont.
Pat - My image as a Grumpy Old Git on "Meonline" doesn't seem to attract many visitors so I'm thinking of changing it from "Smithy Lane" to "Sweet Old Gentleman Who Loves Puppy Dogs, Pussy Cats and Creepy Crawlies" (Why did I suddenly get a mental picture of John then?)
That's all folks, back to your own beds.
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, December 02, 2007
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Keith(grumpy old git) has been working his magic, and with fantastic results! Cheers mate. I would normally out of courtesy linked to his blog, but as the grumpy old git has shut it down because not enough people read it............I wont!
Now I shall get some crap!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, December 01, 2007