Pub news!

Trigger had his ears syringed yesterday, and about time too, he was becoming intolerable (even more so than usual).

Anyway, in he waltzes this lunchtime,a smug grin on his chops(mouth, for the not-in-the-know). Di came to serve him.

Trigger:"Hello, sexy!"

Di: "Hello, Tw*t, pedigree?"

Trigger:"Yes please darling. I love it when you're nice to me."

Di:"Don't hold your breath!"

Enter Charlie, a recent addition to the bar staff. Charlie is a lovely girl and being a carer is very tolerant of Trigger.

Charlie: "Hello Trigger, how are the ears today?"

Trigger: "Eh?"

A week or so ago Charlie's mum reversed into her car, denting the passenger door quite badly. She did mention it to Trigger at the time so she thought she would update him on the progress so far.

Charlie:"My car went to the garage for assessment today."

Trigger:"Eh?"

Me: "For f*cks sake Trigger, you've only just had your ears syringed! What did they do, blast it all out from one side?"

Trigger:"Eh?"

I gave up, everyone was smirking,Trigger drank up and went home non the wiser. He always has been a bit mutton jeff!

And, no, he wasn't taking the piss!

Joke Tuesday.

PEST CONTROL.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were making mad,passionate love in the bedroom when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick', said the woman to the lover,'Into the closet!' In she pushed him, stark naked.

The husband,however,became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who the hell are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from BUGS-B-GONE ,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asks the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,














' Those little bastards!'

Leire church flower festival.

This is held every year, and this year the subject is "Remember Me".

My 'Sister',Lindsay did all the arrangements you see in dedication of my late Mother, who introduced Lindsay to flower arranging.

Enjoy the show!

The festival runs until Monday. I hope you liked the arrangements, my Mum would have been proud of 'SIS'!

Champions of Europe!

Champions of Europe again!

That is all, 'nuff said!

Garden news.

It's that time of year when everything is coming into life. These are from the front garden.

What's this called?

Here's a close-up for you, and a clue, it's got thorns like you wouldn't believe!

Another of Dads favourites, the Hosta. We have all sorts of different colours/shapes.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, Di reversed into Jezs' car the other day. It's only a great big 4x4!

Joke Tuesday, Double bill !

Paddy & Murphy in the jungle by a river,they see a mans head sticking out of a crocodile. Paddy says to Murphy, "Look at that flash bastard in his Lacoste sleeping bag!"

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The 'Erectus Trouserus', or the trouser snake is the worlds' most dangerous snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It is fangless, and averages 5-6" in length,(although some are said to reach 8-9" depending on the owners honesty). It appears in bedrooms, usually at night, and attacks women in the mouth or lower abdominal area. It's spit is highly venomous and can cause swelling for up to 9 months!

Some mutant species have been known to attack men from behind. The odd sheep is not unheard of either!

Photoshop news!

I know I am being self-indulgent with this post, and that Keith will take the piss, but I'm chuffed with this.

I had trouble getting the finished article onto my blog until Keith put me right when I saw him yesterday. So, thanks mate!

Pub news.

This is exciting stuff, I'll tell you. Never before has this happened on a Sunday lunch! The entire pub (well most of us) were astonished. I nearly got up and did a jig!

Keith has amazed everyone by picking up a bird dog!

The mirth is never ending, I think it's why the Grumpy old git likes it so much! And while i'm at it say hello to Monty, Charlie and Nikkis' new puppy. An 8 week old West Highland Terrier. He's the small good looking one being held by the big ugly one! Just so you know!

Garden stuff!

I don't usually post over the weekend as all most of my regular lurkers readers are out on the lash, or entertaining family and friends. I have no problem with this, as I think you should all enjoy the f*ucking freezing weather we have here! Global warming??! Anyway, some photos for you.

Dad and his beloved Azaleas.

Another aspect.

Thanks again to 'SIS' for the photos! I hope this cheers your weekend up. Click on each photo and have a roam round.

Photoshop6.

YIPPEE! I have achieved something. I am proud. My patience over four days has been stretched to near breaking point. But I have won a moral victory.

I have managed to e-mail Keith the fruits of my long endeavours. A congratulatory reply? NOTHING!

The photoshop world is now at my mercy.......if I live long enough! Congratulations are welcome, as is ridicule! It looks better if you click to enlarge!

Joke Tuesday!

LEMON SQUEEZE

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said,'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said,'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said,'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked,'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said,'No, but it will wipe that smile off your face!'

Pub news, and assorted piffle!

Yesterday was a day of mirth in the Merrie Monk.

Di, our ever so nice landlady, was looking rather fetching in a red singlet(ok, i'm a creep), but she did. The weather does do this to people, and it has been particularly warm this last week.

Then Trigger came in.

"Whoa, baby, I'm yours!" he roared.

"Shut up you tw*t, I feel sick now!"

As Di was putting Triggers beer on the bar, he stroked her hand. "Get off, you tw*t!" she yelled.

The Poacher asked Di if she was cooking the nibbles for the bar."Yes, why?", she asked.

"You'd better wash you hand then." he said. "Why?"

Because Trigger's been tugging the one-eyed trowser snake before he got up!"

"STUART!"

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I have been stitched up! Keith has done this for me, to highlight my inability to learn Photoshop6!

"This is what you can do when you know what you're doing!" came the accompanying jibe.

Well. I will have you know I am making progress, albeit slow, as certain people haven't offered any help to a middle aged, one-armed cripple!

If this doesn't work, nothing will! Such is life.

What do you reckon?

Some Flowery stuff, and a fright at the end!

Some flowery stuff. Keith, button it!

Left to Right.Berberus with Euonymus climbing through it. The yellow and bronze go well together, but the Euonymus is taking over. Next is Rhododenndron 'cowslip'. Then Magnolia 'Susan'.

Camellia. This is a lovely shrub which thrives on a north facing wall. If anyone knows what the black is on the leaves I would love to know. It will rub off like soot,but isn't. The close-up gives a good shot.

That scared you!

Thanks to my 'Sister' for the photos.

Click on the pics for the full effect. But you knew that anyway.

Joke Tuesday.

I said last week that I had a load of Irish jokes, which I still do, and these will be released in the coming weeks. But for now,I have this little beauty for you!

BEING BRITISH!

Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub,then on your way home, grabbing an Indian curry,or a Turkish kebab,to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch some crap American T.V. show on a Japanese television. And most of all, being suspicious of anything foreign.

Oh, and only in Britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than the police. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open yet chain pens to the counter! Also supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for their prescriptions, whilst healthy people get their cigarettes at the front of the shop.

We might be British, but by f*ck we're funny!

A quiz for you.

The idea of this quiz is I give you some letters, and you tell me what they refer to .

For example: 1966, E, w W C F.(England win World Cup Final). The capital letters indicate the key words.

We start in 1763, cheating cannot be stopped/condoned!

1. 1763, S Y W e.
2. 1806, D o P t Y.
3. 1845, P F i I.
4. 1856, C W e.
5. 1901, D o Q V.
6. 1924, D o L. (Russia)
7. 1944, D D i.
8. 1946, C W b.
9. 1961, B W e.
10. 1972, B S i N I.
11. 1982, B v i F W.
12. 1989, B W b.
13. 1994, C T o t R T.
14. 1997, P D o W d.
15. 2000, J G s b a T.

The answers will be published in two weeks time. I shall try to keep track of who's scoring what! Any amount of attempts allowed! History books/internet at the ready. Good luck and enjoy!

Village church.

As you know,I am not religious, but I do like a nice church/cathedral from an architectural perspective, and nice trees.

Dad, unfortunately is not a dab hand with the digital revolution, and cut the spire off!

This is about 100yds from our house, and always flowers just as our tree finishes.

Here's another angle. Still no spire!

Leire(pronounced, lear) is mentioned in the Doomsday Book. For a little bit of history, visit http://www.leire.net/ and follow the links.