The last post! (2008)

Firstly, HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my bloggie friends! (and Keith).

It's been a bit nippy arond here by our standards and last night we had freezing fog, so my 'sister' popped into our garden and took these photos.

Vibernum on the right.

A freezing back garden.

An icy outlook!

The birds have been going through food like there's no tomorrow. Dad has been filling the bird tables with seed mix 5 or 6 times during daylight hours! They are worth it for the enjoyment we get from them.

This is birdtable number 3. About 10 feet from where I sit each morning in the conservatory. It's a pity I cant get any photos. I tried with a tripod, but, sadly couldn't reach the camera to focus, etc.

See you next year!!

Joke Tuesday.

ONE FOR THE GIRLS!

A woman in her fourties is at home happily jumping up and down on her bed, naked and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches for a while and asks,"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

She continues bouncing around and says,"I don't care what you think. I've just had a mammogram and the doctor says I've got the breasts of an 18 year old."

Her husband replies,"What about your 42 year old arse?"

"He didn't mention you!"

My Christmas Day

John's Christmas Day dinner seems to have gone down well. I thought you might like to see a picture of my Christmas lunch; I do love mussels with rice and cherries. Makes a change from the usual delicious turkey, roast spuds, brussels etc., (Not to mention that wonderful plum pudding with lashings of brandy sauce over it) don't you think?


I was the only one there, so I'm not in the picture because I had to take the photo!

Christmas Day.

We had a thoroughly good time and a lovely meal at my 'Sister's'. The following photos don't show much festive activity because at 46, I was the third youngest!

Me and Lindsey(Sis).

Dad and Lindsey.

Pudding is served.

More vino? Why not!

More pics later!

Very true

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Have a nice Christmas.

Christmas.

As you are probably aware this is not my favourite time of the year for two reasons. 1, it's winter. 2, it's Christmas. Now this may sound somewhat "bah,humbug", which to an extent I suppose it is, but the reality is, that it's for kids and christians. I don't have any kids (luckily), and I'm an atheist,ergo, I don't have a lot of interest in it. For sure I used to go out on the piss most nights over christmas in my youth, but that was another excuse for over-indulgence!

This christmas day we shall once again go to my 'sister's' house for lunch. It is an enjoyable afternoon and Dad enjoys not having to cook. We supply the wine, they do the rest! A quiz usually follows, then Dad and I return home and sleep off the food and drink! Once New Year is over with normality will be restored!

But, as is my nature, I hope you have the following.

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Joke Tuesday.

24 HOURS TO LIVE!

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left. Maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into be when he realised he had only eight hours left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,'Honey?Please, just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterwards rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four hours!

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up, 'Honey, I've only four hours left! Could we.......?

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.....

















but I have to get up in the morning, and YOU don't!'

Quiz time!

Use the clues below to find the countries.

1. Popular bird for Christmas.....
2. In need of a good meal.....
3. Where the melody is ......
4. Where the coffee comes from......
5. Like the weather in winter.....
6. Hurry the lady......
7. Not out, darling....
8. I did not walk.....
9. Freezing place....
10. A shop where bulls should go....
11. Makes a nasty mark on your clothes....
12. Where male neckwear originates....
13. Not old, twenty one shillings...
14. You take this up when you start your working life....
15. Don't cry for me...

A bit of fun!

Right, let's get one thing straight. I am officially classed as a cripple. You can classify me as paraplegic, tetraplegic or a spastic! They are all correct terms, and I don't mind any of them!

So, on that note, I, and the lads in the pub came up with the alternative Paralympic games.

For example, Wheelchair high board diving. Wheelchair 110 metre hurdles.

Come on, you will not offend me. I could do with a laugh, it's nearly Christmas!!

Pub news!

A strange lunchtime today!

Quite early on the pub was inundated with middle 50's/early 60's gentlemen, about 15'ish. Never seen them before, but they drank well and ate all Di's filled rolls!

Then the usual suspects arrived.

At about 1.45pm a load of blokes, all dressed in tweed rolled in (literally), all bearing silver tankards.They were in fine spirits and I thought they were a shooting club because of the attire. They seemed a good bunch so I asked them what the occasion was.

"We are THE REAR ADMIRALS CLUB." Somewhat confused, I asked why the name. "Why not?" came the reply. "We're out on a pub crawl in a mini-bus and this years dress code is tweed, this will continue for a while yet."

Well, lads, you will be welcome here anytime, you made my lunchtime!

I hope you remember to read this and send me the link to your facebook account! Happy Christmas!

Joke Tuesday!

Now that I have regained possession of my blog from Grumpy, here is todays' joke!

This was sent to me by two lovely newly weds in Australia!

A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on the veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie, 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Aussie: 'The dog doesn't talk you stupid Kiwi!'

Kiwi: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Aussie, (look of extreme shock)

Kiwi: 'Does he own you?'

Dog: 'Yep.'

Kiwi: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief).

Kiwi:'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Aussie:'Uh, but he doesn't talk either....I think.'

Kiwi: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Aussie:(absolutely dumbfounded)

Kiwi: Is this your owner?

Horse: 'Yep.'

Kiwi: How are you treated

Horse:'Pretty good thanks. He rides me regularly, brushes me down and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Aussie:(look of amazement).

Kiwi: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?

'He's a f*cking liar!!!'

Thanks to Wendy and Stuey.

Wot the ****?

I have just read a comment on someones blog, who shall be nameless, and it was: "... i have too children a boy and girl and i have just finish rapping there Xmas pressys ..."

God help us! I no that teh Eglish language is changing, but i didnt reelize it was changing that fast!

I hope that person doesn't find my blogpage and comment. It would be so embaraz... embarasin... enbarra....... Well, I wouldn't like it. Know wot i mean? Innit?

Keiths Joke

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Joke Tuesday, Double bill !

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says,"So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says,"Oh,Father. I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She replies,"That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She replies,"He said,
















please Mary, put the damn gun down..."

---

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles,"Ain't no use doing that, there's no paper here either!"

Gets coat and scarpers!

Merry Crimbo from Grumpy and the Cripple

Pub news.

After every lunchtime I settle up the bar bill.Being the generous type that I am, I bought Di a glass of wine. This is a regular thing, as it stops her beating me, a bit!

One of the lads enquired as to why.

"Oh, he gives me one every week, don't you lovely!" said Di.

I didn't know what to say!

I hope Jez is understanding!

Joke Tuesday.

Irish again I'm afraid!

Brenda O'Malley is at home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something to tell ya."

"Of course you can, but where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead. I'm so sorry."

Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen?"

"It was terrible. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Was it a quick death?" she asked.















"Not really, he got out three times for a piss!"

I was going to make this a spectacular blog post, but as I still cant use photoshop 6, (i've been trying for 4 f*cking hours!), so I thought b*llocks to it!

Anyway, Sunday nights are games night in the pub, bingo from 6pm until 8pm. Then the poker starts. Set limits so nothing gets out of hand.

During the bingo, just after the first game Di was collecting the old tickets in and the money for the next game. The fire was roaring away so Di decided to throw the old tickets on it.

She had a ten pound note in one hand...................

Guess what went on the fire!?

Thanks Keith!