Pub news.

I climb out of the car and closely followed by my Dad with the wheelchair, saunter casually into the pub. It is Saturday, 11.30 opening. There are a few wastrels in there already. Dad gets a bollocking from the poacher for being late. We are on time, so Dad tells him to bugger off!

Di is on duty for the first half-hour, then Sharon takes over. Jez has his kids.

It is F.A.Cup final day here in the U.K. The biggest day in the footballing calendar. Di has hot dogs planned for half-time. I hope the turn-out will be good!

3pm. Dad arrives and I stagger saunter out of the pub and back home for a snooze!

Life is not so bad!

Joke Tuesday- Double bill.

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
Asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?

Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your knickers".

Susie said : " I know they do that's why I hide them in my bag"!!

........................................

A man meets a woman in a bar and buys her a drink. During this time he keeps looking at his watch. She asks why.

He says it's a new dating watch and it's giving me information about you. She asks what it says. He tells her she has no knickers on. She tells him it's wrong. He tells her he knows, it's an hour fast!

Pub news.

Sunday night in the pub means poker night. 14 last night, which is a lower than usual turn-out, but as it was a bank holiday weekend it wasn't too bad.

One of the barmen (on his night off) won. Jez managaged to get second and Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady managed to get pissed!

I know this to be true because when I asked her how she was, the reply was, I've got a migraine (hangover)! This is Di speak for I feel like sh*t!

In other pub news, the poacher and his mate have been fishing. Friday through 'til Sunday at a local reservoir for the last three weekends camping on the bank. The result? Not a bite! It's a good job they enjoy the outdoors!

Sad times.

I'm very dejected this week, that is why I haven't posted much.

It was going to be my ex-wifes funeral on Tuesday, but she cancelled it!

Her new partner said that she had been very ill just lately, and at times was at deaths door. He said "Not to worry though, I'll pull her through it".

Ring any bells?

Oliver Cromwell's Speech on the Dissolution of the Long Parliament

Given to the House of Commons



20 April 1653



It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonoured by your contempt of all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice; ye are a factious crew, and enemies to all good government; ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage, and like Judas betray your God for a few pieces of money.



Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess? Ye have no more religion than my horse; gold is your God; which of you have not barter'd your conscience for bribes? Is there a man amongst you that has the least care for the good of the Commonwealth?



Ye sordid prostitutes have you not defil'd this sacred place, and turn'd the Lord's temple into a den of thieves, by your immoral principles and wicked practices? Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation; you were deputed here by the people to get grievances redress'd, are yourselves gone!



So! Take away that shining bauble there, and lock up the doors. In the name of God, go!

How pertinent!

Don't laugh.... It's all true!

Perks of reaching old age!

1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you will be releasd first!
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9pm and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypocondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You argue about pension plans.
11. Speed limits are not a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get huch worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are better weather forecasters than the Met. Office.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is down to a manageable size.
19. You've forgotten who sent you this list.
    
    
    
    

    ONE MORE THING:

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

Garden news!

Things are bursting into bloom even though it's damn cold! Whatever happened to 'global warming'?

A beautiful Rhododendron, the best it's been!

This is the largest of our Azaleas, about 6ft across.

More later! Click to enlarge.

Sunday Smile

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they go to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic into cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she gives him £47, a week's unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation.

"Diesel fitter," he replies.

Since diesel fitter is a skilled job the clerk gives the second guy £200 a week.

When the first guy finds out he's furious. He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay. The clerk explains: "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yells the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic in and he pulls them on and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "

Joke Tuesday.

PETS!




Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. 0AFor the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

Family news.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD!

80 TODAY!

You are a star!

A public apology.

I apologise for the lack of pub entertainment this last week. Di and Jez have been on holiday!

Normal service will resume next week!

Joke Tuesday.

How you know you are getting old!

1. Kidnappers

are not very

interested in you.


2. In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be

released first.


3. No one expects

you to run --

anywhere


4. People call at 9 PM

and ask,

'Did I wake you?'



5. People no longer

view you as a

hypochondriac.


6. There is nothing left

to learn the hard way.


7. Things you buy now

won't wear out.


8. You can eat

supper at 4 PM.


9. You can live

without sex

but not your glasses.


10. You get into

heated arguments

about pension plans.


11. You no longer think

of speed limits

as a challenge.


12. You quit trying

to hold
your stomach in

no matter who walks

into the room.



13. You sing along

with elevator music.



14. Your eyes won't get

much worse.


15. Your investment

in health insurance

is finally beginning

to pay off.


16. Your joints are more
accurate meteorologists

than the national

weather service.


17. Your secrets are safe

with your friends

because they can't

remember them either.


18. Your supply of brain cells

is finally down to

a manageable size.


19. You can't remember

who sent you this list.

And you notice

these are all

in big print

for your convenience.



Forward this

to everyone

you can remember

right now!

ONE MORE THING:


Never,

under any circumstances,

take a sleeping pill,

and a laxative on

the same night!

Pub news.

Last Saturday there was a 65th birthday party for 'Irish' Tony, who is actually Irish!

People seemed to enjoy the night!

I told you they were enjoying themselves!

Apologies if you think the footage is too short, but the files are massive to upload. This gives you the general idea.

Snowball the Cockatoo!

This is just BRILLIANT!