General drivel.

It's 11 years ago today since I got squashed by a nasty tree! My Dad has been a superstar during the past decade. My friends have helped, taken the piss and generally been there. I thank them.

Now, onto the subject of todays drivel. Have you ever analysed the front of your birthday cards? This year, I have had hundreds eight.

I shall categorize them.

Three were alcohol related,(not a problem,as I am in the pub every lunch). One was about computers,(ok, I use mine a lot). One was about sending me a pole dancer, who upon opening the card, was a bloke called Igor!(Thanks Sis!)

The remaining three cards however, somewhat disturbed me. They all had pictures of a CHIMPANZEE on them! Now, I can take a lot of stick,as I give it out, but I think the comparison is grossly unfair!

On a final note,Rob and Kath, that bloody card took me 15 minutes to open!!!!!!!!!

General drivel.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Free beer will be bought greatly appreciated by me!

Pub news.#7

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE!

Paul, our landlord was out on a shoot today, beating, so it was left to Kelly, his wife to man the fort.

It was very busy today, but one woman stood out from the crowd. We watched incredulously as she got Kelly to put every bottle of red wine on the bar, and without any please or thank-you dismissed them as rubbish, before finally settling on one.

She took five empty glasses off the bar, heading to her 'entourage'. As she turned, Bobby, one of the waitresses was returning from delivering food and a minor accidental collision occured. The look on the womans face was one of utter contempt!

Manners cost nothing.

Unfortunately she didn't choke

Joke Tuesday.

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3· Life is sexually transmitted.

4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14· Why does your gynegologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Pub news.#6

Myself and my mate Water-board Mick ordered the "four for a tenner" platter today. Two lots of tempura prawns,southern fried chicken and veggie spring rolls. It was my shout, as Mick payed last time. After we had finished enjoying this another mate of ours came in, Paul the artist. He ordered a bacon and camembert baguette,which comes with a side salad. Just as he was halfway through, he decided to add a little vinegar. He undid the top,and not realising it was a flip-top, poured!

We didn't laugh.......much!

Joke Tuesday.

Oh, boy am I in trouble now!

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports - It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem onlyif you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches,it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or The Simpson's.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. RoundIS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh.

General drivel.

My friend Bill, from Chicago should be reading this just about ....now!

See you on the poker tables tomorrow!

Joke Tuesday.

With apologies to the Irish.......not!

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let any liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "How should I know? Its your plane!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------


Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said that in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a nearby cemetery..

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

Pub news # 5.

I took my camera to the pub today, so you can see the interior of my new home!

The bar, the main source of interest!

This is the main part of the dining area. The photos were taken just after opening time so I didn't upset anyone!

This is the other part of the dining area.

This is a local. Thanks for posing, Roy!

A sirloin steak with all the trimmings. Water board Mick did enjoy it!

As you can see, Mick enjoyed his steak!!

These are my favourite tempura battered prawns.

And finally, Jake!

Pub news # 4

Yesterday was another culinary delight in the pub. My mates Roger, Mick and Brad came over,(along with Jake the Springer Spaniel)!

After a couple of pints we ordered. Roger decided on Gammon,egg,chips and beans, served with onion rings,mushrooms and grilled tomatoes. The rest of us shared a platter of Tempura battered king prawns,Southern fried chicken strips and chicken and chorizo kebabs, served on a bed of salad and accompanied by dips of chilli, cream cheese and BBQ sauce.

This was washed down with a few more beers and a lot of mirth. A good lunchtime, in good company!

Oh, and Keith! I didn't pay!

Joke Tuesday.

This is a real tough one!!

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:
You are in London There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is..............................................

...................It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza (the hook handed bastard)
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men!

THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?