Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Joke Tuesday.

With apologies to the Irish.......not!



Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let any liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "How should I know? Its your plane!"


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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"


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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"


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Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said that in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"


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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


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Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a nearby cemetery..

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

4 comments:

© Karelian Blonde said...

Brill! I am laughing out loud at work :D

MartyrMom said...

John! You've out done yourself with these....now if I can keep some of them to memory!!

I especially like the one about the electrician...he does sound like he might be blonde!!!

Pat said...

I've got Irish blood in my veins and I have to admit to a bit of laughter.

Mr Rob said...

Love em John, you missed these two.

"I've bought a new clock", boasted Murphy, "Goes 8 days without winding".
Paddy says "How long does it go if you wind it?"

Murphy has been shooting and walks into a bar "Anyone who can guess how many ducks i have in this bag they can have both of them".
"Three" says Paddy
Murphy "Ah thats near enough".