Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Joke Tuesday.

Gordon

This joke is so crap, it's funny

Chicken politics....

Trevor, the farmer,was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens),called 'pullets' and eight or so roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed that old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Trevors amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it didn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berkshire county fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation with the judges.

The result: Gordon won the No Bell Piece Prize, and the ultimate Pulletsurprise as well!

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making....who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?!!


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old grumpy gitSorry to butt in. My blogpage is down at the moment. Last night somebody must have hacked their way into our server, or somewhere, and found some of the names and passwords. They then put pornography and vile language onto several pages, including mine. Until we find out how they breached the security and "closed the hole", so to speak, my page will remain off. Sorry for any inconvenience (as if!)

I will now return you to the studio, over to you John, as they say on TV!

Monday, 14 January 2008

Smokin' !

Picture the scene in the pub on Sunday lunchtime. Keith is chatting to Nikki, Charlie is staring vacantly out of the window, Steve is worried about Paul because he has to go to work on a Sunday, John G is dozing in his wheelchair after consuming vast amounts of "Pedigree" beer and Don is propping up the bar talking to Stu.


Di, our lovely landlady, asked Don if he would 'smoke' a couple of sides of salmon for a bit of a "do" she is arranging next week.


Don, you may recall, is our local genius at smoke-curing wild pigeon breasts, and is considered to be an a bit of an expert when it comes to cooking breasts.


"Yes, of course I will" he said. To which Di replied "I've got them in the fridge out the back at the moment"


"Don't let me forget them" Don said.


"No", said Di, "I'll get them out for you when you are ready to go".


Now my hearing is not so good these days, but I hope she meant the salmon steaks!

Sunday, 13 January 2008

Pub/horse news.

larry

Keith, that well-known arsehole friend of mine has produced this cartoon, then tried to blame me for it when he saw Nikki today.But no,I had pre-empted his manouevre, and explained to Nikki that it was Keiths work as I am too thick to create that yet!

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Quiz time!

james bond

A quiz for you. You have a few days, no cheating, as I'll know!!

I give you the main Bond girls names (character), you tell me the film. There could be more than one per film, so your memory needs to be good.

We start with the first. But they may not be in order!

  1. Honey Ryder
  2. Tatiana Romanova
  3. Jill Masterson
  4. Pussy Galore
  5. Vesper Lynd
  6. Solitaire
  7. Dr. Holly Goodhead (best name ever)
  8. Giacinta "Jinx" Johnson
  9. Paris Carver
  10. Wai Lin
  11. Dominique (Domino) Derval
  12. Plenty O'Toole
  13. Tiffany Case
  14. Kissy Suzuki
  15. Teresa Di Vicenzo
  16. Natalya Fyodorovna Simonova
  17. Kara Milovy
  18. Melina Havelock
  19. Major Anya Amasova
  20. Miss Mary Goodnight
  21. Dr. Molly Warmflash
  22. Pam Bouvier
  23. Magda
  24. Pola Ivanova

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

Joke Tuesday.

miss piggy and kermit

I am a Muppet. I completely forgot about joke Tuesday

Scouser walks into a job centre and tells the assistant he's hard working,honest and desperate for a job ........ the assistant replies "that's fortunate, we have just got one in. We need a chauffeur for a multi-millionaire, which includes looking after his twin nymphomaniac daughters whilst on overseas trips. It comes with a salary of £200,000 a year".

The Scouser says, "you're bullshitting me."

The assistant replied," You f*cking started it!!"

Photoshop trial.

European pike

A mate of mine went fishing last week and caught this beauty, 23 pounds! The blood is his, its teeth grazed his finger, and as they have an anti-coagulant a lot of blood follows!

This is my first successful photoshop post. Thanks Keith !

Monday, 7 January 2008

Pub news

The potential death of Me! Go here.

keith

Saturday, 5 January 2008

Pub news.

I didn't quite grasp what I'd heard at first, but the ensuing fits of laughter confirmed things.

Bush (don't ask) : "Hello Sharon, you have a good Christmas?"

Sharon: "Not really, I've had that bug. But now I'm better and looking forward to a good blow-out!"

Bush, spluttering in his pint: "Can you let me finish the drink first?"

Sharon: "I said BLOW-OUT!"

Bush: "Same thing, just inhale now and then."

Sharon: "John, you wont blog this will you?"

Me: "No, would I?"

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BTW, I have come into some information regarding my beloved friend Zoe. Now, being the friend that I am. I told Zoe about my windfall.

"Oh f*ck, where did you get that?!"

"Top secret."

"Keith knows."

"You bastard, I'm toast!"

Read future posts, Keith gets the info tomorrow!

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

It's my own fault!

Just when I was beginning to get a small grip of posting using HTML, one of my mates tells me to get Photoshop.

"Use this, it's brilliant. I do all my designing using this." He says. "You can do anything with this."

I gleefully took it home and downloaded it, thinking I could make distorted pictures of Keith.

Instructions, no! Can I use it, no. Ring a bell................?

Tuesday, 1 January 2008

New Years wish.

To ALL my friends in the blogosphere who sent me best wishes for 2007, it did f*ck-all!

For 2008, could you please send either money, alcohol or petrol vouchers.

Cheers!!

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You have to know that a very good time was had in the Merrie Monk last night, and, on wishing Di a happy New Year at lunchtime I received the following reply: " I feel like shit".!!