Pub news.

This is exciting stuff, I'll tell you. Never before has this happened on a Sunday lunch! The entire pub (well most of us) were astonished. I nearly got up and did a jig!

Keith has amazed everyone by picking up a bird dog!

The mirth is never ending, I think it's why the Grumpy old git likes it so much! And while i'm at it say hello to Monty, Charlie and Nikkis' new puppy. An 8 week old West Highland Terrier. He's the small good looking one being held by the big ugly one! Just so you know!

Garden stuff!

I don't usually post over the weekend as all most of my regular lurkers readers are out on the lash, or entertaining family and friends. I have no problem with this, as I think you should all enjoy the f*ucking freezing weather we have here! Global warming??! Anyway, some photos for you.

Dad and his beloved Azaleas.

Another aspect.

Thanks again to 'SIS' for the photos! I hope this cheers your weekend up. Click on each photo and have a roam round.

Photoshop6.

YIPPEE! I have achieved something. I am proud. My patience over four days has been stretched to near breaking point. But I have won a moral victory.

I have managed to e-mail Keith the fruits of my long endeavours. A congratulatory reply? NOTHING!

The photoshop world is now at my mercy.......if I live long enough! Congratulations are welcome, as is ridicule! It looks better if you click to enlarge!

Joke Tuesday!

LEMON SQUEEZE

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said,'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said,'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said,'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked,'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said,'No, but it will wipe that smile off your face!'

Pub news, and assorted piffle!

Yesterday was a day of mirth in the Merrie Monk.

Di, our ever so nice landlady, was looking rather fetching in a red singlet(ok, i'm a creep), but she did. The weather does do this to people, and it has been particularly warm this last week.

Then Trigger came in.

"Whoa, baby, I'm yours!" he roared.

"Shut up you tw*t, I feel sick now!"

As Di was putting Triggers beer on the bar, he stroked her hand. "Get off, you tw*t!" she yelled.

The Poacher asked Di if she was cooking the nibbles for the bar."Yes, why?", she asked.

"You'd better wash you hand then." he said. "Why?"

Because Trigger's been tugging the one-eyed trowser snake before he got up!"

"STUART!"

******************************************

I have been stitched up! Keith has done this for me, to highlight my inability to learn Photoshop6!

"This is what you can do when you know what you're doing!" came the accompanying jibe.

Well. I will have you know I am making progress, albeit slow, as certain people haven't offered any help to a middle aged, one-armed cripple!

If this doesn't work, nothing will! Such is life.

What do you reckon?

Some Flowery stuff, and a fright at the end!

Some flowery stuff. Keith, button it!

Left to Right.Berberus with Euonymus climbing through it. The yellow and bronze go well together, but the Euonymus is taking over. Next is Rhododenndron 'cowslip'. Then Magnolia 'Susan'.

Camellia. This is a lovely shrub which thrives on a north facing wall. If anyone knows what the black is on the leaves I would love to know. It will rub off like soot,but isn't. The close-up gives a good shot.

That scared you!

Thanks to my 'Sister' for the photos.

Click on the pics for the full effect. But you knew that anyway.

Joke Tuesday.

I said last week that I had a load of Irish jokes, which I still do, and these will be released in the coming weeks. But for now,I have this little beauty for you!

BEING BRITISH!

Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub,then on your way home, grabbing an Indian curry,or a Turkish kebab,to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch some crap American T.V. show on a Japanese television. And most of all, being suspicious of anything foreign.

Oh, and only in Britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than the police. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open yet chain pens to the counter! Also supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for their prescriptions, whilst healthy people get their cigarettes at the front of the shop.

We might be British, but by f*ck we're funny!

A quiz for you.

The idea of this quiz is I give you some letters, and you tell me what they refer to .

For example: 1966, E, w W C F.(England win World Cup Final). The capital letters indicate the key words.

We start in 1763, cheating cannot be stopped/condoned!

1. 1763, S Y W e.
2. 1806, D o P t Y.
3. 1845, P F i I.
4. 1856, C W e.
5. 1901, D o Q V.
6. 1924, D o L. (Russia)
7. 1944, D D i.
8. 1946, C W b.
9. 1961, B W e.
10. 1972, B S i N I.
11. 1982, B v i F W.
12. 1989, B W b.
13. 1994, C T o t R T.
14. 1997, P D o W d.
15. 2000, J G s b a T.

The answers will be published in two weeks time. I shall try to keep track of who's scoring what! Any amount of attempts allowed! History books/internet at the ready. Good luck and enjoy!

Village church.

As you know,I am not religious, but I do like a nice church/cathedral from an architectural perspective, and nice trees.

Dad, unfortunately is not a dab hand with the digital revolution, and cut the spire off!

This is about 100yds from our house, and always flowers just as our tree finishes.

Here's another angle. Still no spire!

Leire(pronounced, lear) is mentioned in the Doomsday Book. For a little bit of history, visit http://www.leire.net/ and follow the links.

Joke Tuesday.

There will be a strong Irish element to the next few jokes, as I have received a lot of Irish jokes!

This in no way indicative of my attitude towards Irish people, whom I really like(well, the ones I've met!) So apologies to Joules!

Righto.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,"I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean,almost?"

The Irishman said,"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped."

The priest said,"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50.00 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a minute and then started to leave.

The priest,who was watching,quickly ran over to him saying,"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the box!"

The Irishman replied,"Yeah,but I rubbed the £50.00 on the box,and according to you,it's the same as putting it in!"