Joke Tuesday.

Find out what men really mean when they say...

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Thanks to my friend KB

Pub news.

The pub, apparently, was packed with diners last night. This lunchtime was booked right through until 8.00pm. Tomorrow is the same! My roast lamb was gorgeous!

Home news.

I've just done my first grocery shop on-line! Dad, although seemingly recovered from his episode last Saturday, is struggling carting the heavier objects, such as my lager and his whisky around, so I've opened accounts at Tesco and Waitrose. The first delivery is tomorrow!

As an aside;Dad went into our out-house, where the new fridge and freezer live to get some things from the fridge. He had his hands full, so, he put the egg for his breakfast in his pocket. Once in the kitchen he forgot about the egg.............you know what happened next!

Clean trowsers needed!!

Joke Tuesday.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.



You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.


The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."



Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.



The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick"

Home news.

Dad came out of hospital this lunchtime!

The irregular heartbeat was to blame, so he's now on beta blockers.

Home news.

Dad collapsed this morning. He was fine first thing and drove to the next village to get the papers. He got me dressed, then had his breakfast. He washed up and sat sat down with the sports paper. After about 20 minutes he said he felt rough. Then, a bit later, he decides to get up to go and lie down upstairs. Crash! He hit the floor. I rang the BIL, and he came over with my sister. After much arguing we called an ambulance.

He is now in hospital undergoing tests. I spoke to him this afternoon, and he sounded a lot better. Apparently they found an irregular heart beat.

Will keep you posted.

I have a lot of good friends looking after me, so at least Dad's mind is at rest!

Garden news.

I'm really pleased how this came out. A male Reed Bunting. Quite rare in the garden, as we have no reeds!

Click to................you know!

Joke Tuesday.

Banned from Sainsbury's

Didn't like shopping there anyway . . .

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask older people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Pub news.

I stated earlier that the reason for diversifying this blog was due to the lack of lunatics in here. Well, he may not be a lunatic, but the "handyman" surpassed himself today.

"Have you found my phone?" he asked Paul. I had it yesterday. "You were pissed yesterday when I saw you in The Queens Arms." came the reply. "Could you ring them and check there?" No luck. Roger the gas was in and offered to ring the handymans' phone to see if someone answered. "Hang on, I'll just nip out to my van." Ring, ring. "Hello, who's that?" "It's Roger." "I've found my phone. It was on the drivers seat. I've been sat on it all day!"

Pub news.

As you are aware, I recently took up residence in the Hollybush after the demise of the Merrie Monk. I have used the Hollybush for years, and, in 2007 posted a blog from my youth, The photos are from 1983 (I was 21!).

This has been prompted by a request from an old friend of mine who came in last week with her husband. We reminisced about the old times, and she mentioned that they hadn't seen the photos. So, Marion, here they are!

Mark "cockeye" Conway. Don't ask!

Johnnie, Charlie and Cockeye.

Me and Marion.

Roger, Marion's then boyfriend, sadly no longer with us.

Marion, me, Paul and, ??

Me,(being an idiot) and Nikki(Charlie's girlfriend).

I hope you enjoyed this blast from the past!