Joke Tuesday.....ish!

This maths sequence can predict your all time favourite film. Mine was Star Wars.I'm not sure how it works , but it does! Try it without looking at the answers.

Don't peek!

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to that number.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the two digits together.

3. Oliver.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8.Grease.
9. The joy of anal sex with male goats and leather-clad gay boys.
10.Mary Poppins.

Pub news.

It is with a heavy heart that I have to inform you that despite my best efforts, the pub is soon to close and become an Indian restaurant! The pub is no longer financially viable and Di needs to move on.

She doesn't have a date yet, but I will keep you updated.

What will become of my blog, I don't know yet, but the jokes will continue! Thirty years using the same pub holds many happy memories!

On a lighter note, Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady locked herself out of the pub again! She also announced that when she moves back into her flat she is going to paint the dildo white!!

I think she means ......dado!

Joke Tuesday.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

Joke Tuesday.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, drinking beer etc. There was always something that seemed more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."




The doctor's say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp....

Pub news.

You have to appreciate that sometimes we all do something silly. Di, our everso lovely soaker landlady has had her moments, (most days).

Today was a prime example. Picture the scene. It is nearly opening time, Di goes outside, and in the interest of security pulls the door to.

She is now locked out of her pub!!

Fortunately Nicky the barmaid was en-route with her keys.

Joke Tuesday.

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, "penis" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson.

The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time.

She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Joke Tuesday.

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.The robot says, “What will you have?”

The guy says, “Martini.”The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?”The guy says, “168.”The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious…

So he goes back into the bar.The robot bartender says, “What will you have?”The guy says, “Martini.”Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?”The guy says, “100.”The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.The robot says, “What will you have?”The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?”The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”The robot leans in real close and says,

“So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?”

General drivel.

Having returned from the pub, we find a mysterious note in the porch. It is an invite to a BBQ to celebrate a house warming from one of my old drinking buddies, who has just moved in almost opposite us!

I left the wheelchair at home and staggered over the road to find dozens of friends I hadn't seen for ages. As my Dad knows them all he had a good natter too. The food was superb and the company better!

I am happy!

Pub news.

It started raining here yesterday at about 3pm. It is still raining now, 6.30pm as I type. The pub cellar is flooded, with empty barrels floating around because the dray-men wouldn't wade in to get them!

There is a pump in the cellar, but when the pub was done up they moved the switch nearer the pump. Reasonable, you may think, but no, now you have to wade through the water to get to the switch!....Brilliant!

The water shorted some circuits, so no fridges,coolers or kitchen working!

You have to feel sorry for our everso lovely soaker landlady!

Joke Tuesday.

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission

in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he


realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak
English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree
and

says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further
and he

points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears

a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a
couple of

natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a
bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and
kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years

teaching how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how

could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'



Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding
someone else’s bicycle!