Oh, hell, i've just realised. It's April Fools day tomorrow.
What will beccy do? Shall i sleep tonight? I doubt it. I now dread switching my computer on tomorrow afternoon.
What terrible wrath could i have bought on myself? It is as though the seven horsemen of the appocalipse are bearing down on me. I originally challenged her, and now i am regretting it, or may be!
This is priceless. One for your memory banks Ladies.
Trigger came in full of the usual bluster.
"I'm going to see my mate do a gig tonight, he's asked me to be a sort of bouncer, as it's a bit rough. I've got one viagra tablet left, just in case i get a chance".
Sharon, (after a small hint).
"You're so full of shit your eyes are brown" !!
She's good is Sharon!!
Ooh, la la, i've been bought a pressie by Keith, thanks mate. Duck fois gras. Sounds good, but as i've never had it before, i look forward to trying it. One problem, however stands in my way. My salivating hyena of a father!!
This could lead to words............
Keith met some more of my mates today. Luckily they are the "OK" ones, not the weekend ingrates. I'll let Keith give his own opinions.
I appear to have been tagged by Wendz. So here goes. Three things:
3 things that scare me:
High winds/dead trees.
Losing my Dad.
HTML.
3 people who make me laugh:
Wendz.
Trigger.
Ronnie Barker.
3 things i love:
Golf.
Motorbike racing.
Manchester United. (can i have more please?).
3 things i hate:
Liars.
Dentists.
Rap music.
3 things i don't understand:
Religion. (too much trouble, not any fact).
Women.
Sudoku.
3 things on my desk:
Mobile phone.
Notepad/pen.
Computer screen, stupid!!
3 things i'm doing now:
Typing this out.
That's it, i can't multi-task., i'm male.
3 things to do before i die:
Finish typing this!!
Helicopter flight.
Go to the OPEN Golf at St. Andrews.
3 things i can do:
Work this thing (ish).
Drink.
Eat.
3 things i can't do:
Dress myself.
Put my arms in the air.
Cook. (plus a million others).
3 things i think you should listen to:
Parents.
Pink Floyd.
Birdsong.
3 things never to listen to:
Politicians.
ditto.
ditto.
3 things to learn:
I learn as i go along.
3 favourite foods:
Blue to rare fillet steak.
Spaghetti bolognese.
Lamb roast.
3 drinks:
Lager.
ditto.
coffee. ( one a day is regular).
3 shows watched as a kid:
Daktari.
Starsky & Hutch.
Blue Peter. lol.
Tea is done, there's no football on, so Dad's gone upstairs, out of the way to read his favourite book, again. He is engrossed by The AFGHAN, by Frederick Forsyth. I, therefore have a choice. Computer or DVD.
Life of Brian wins, so there.
Oh, btw, Trigger was a prat as usual, but somewhat subdued today. Odd that.
Night, night!!
That is Triggers' trade mark comment when ordering his first pint. So Sharon, being the helpful barmaid that she is, DID !!
Only a slap, unfortunately, but it shocked Trigger.
"You did ask".
She was p*ssing herself, as were we. Bless him, he takes it in good part.
"I' m feeling sexy today", came a later comment from our stud.
"Really? You don't look it". Sharp is Sharon.
I have been challenged by someone who is out to get me. You know who you are, bring it on!
Tonight I got a response, an I`ll get you back response, can`t wait!
This i strictly a mathematical viewpoint... it`s like this:
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100% ? Ever wonder what makes all those people say they`re giving 110% ?
Here`s a little formula that might help.
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11= 98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5= 96%
but.
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5= 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20=103%
AND, look how far Ass Kicking will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7= 118%
So, one can conclude that with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it`s the bullshit and ass kissing the gets you to the top !!
I thought i`d share this with you .
It`s snowing like hell here as I type, freezing cold. What a change from yesterday, such a balmy spring day. And the polititians want us to change our lightbulbs to "save" the planet! Tossers! China are opening a new coal-fired power station every 4 days, and they already have over 2000 of them! PAH!
Enough ranting.
Our friend Trigger came in earlier. He is an engineer, a clever, skilled one, but........
The lads were talking about how strenuous gardening is, digging, etc.
"I tend you use my head at work", said Trigger.
The reply was swift.
"Didn`t know you were a doorstop!"
Nuf said!
Trigger was on good form today.
The conversation was centered on food ( home-cooked food), something Trigger knows very little about, but the local lads are particularly good at.
The Poacher said he needed some roughage (that doesn`t look right).
"What`s that?" said Trigger.
"Try greens, or fibre".
"What?"
"Ok, cardboard or old car tyres, they`re good".
"So, how do i cook them?"
"What, the tyres?"
"No, the greens".
DOH !!!!!!!!!!!!!
After receiving Beccys prize yesterday, i made a brave decision. I went into the pub fully garbed. Ireland scarf, furry Irish dice, and the little magnetic thingy attached to the chair.
The bastards ripped me to bits. How shall I live this down, I thought........
I wont, but do i give a shit? NO! And that makes it ok!
Today, I am a happy bunny!
Obe Wan, my computer guru fitted my new 256k graphics card, to try and get my golf game working with Vista. Eureka!! It works.
I have to start from scratch again, but it wont be long before I am once again in the company of the super rich. Do you realise that when we uninstalled the game to install Vista, I was worth $120,000,000?
I will keep you all informed of my progress, marriage proposals will be considered from suitable candidates (sod off Keith) but pre-nups are a must.
Today was a good eating day at the bar. As you may know Sunday is the day when the homemade food appears. Today was beef curry with cauliflower. A side helping of black pudding, for those, like me who aren`t too keen on curry. The fly-fishing season started on Friday and the Poacher brought some trout he`d caught in. His dad had smoked them at home yesterday, £2.50 for a 2lb trout is good value in my book. I`m off to start on one right now, if i can prize enough away from Father!
Trigger, the undisputed star of this blog came in earlier, but seemed somewhat subdued by his standards. He only managed one funny. A few lads wanted to watch a re-run of the bike race that Trigger watched with us yesterday, LIVE.
"Who won this?" he asked.
"Valentino Rossi." i replied.
"Thought he would." said Trigger.
Rossi came second...........DOH!
Today was funny. We were watching the first Moto GP. race of the season. My computer guru, Obe Wan was talking to me about my computer system. Trigger knows nothing about computers. Then came the statement that silenced the bar.
"You don`t half talk a lot of b*llocks".
We were stunned. Nobody spoke for a few seconds. We just stared , trying not to believe what we had just heard.
"What?", he said.
Hysterical laughter followed.
This was in the D.T. today.
A 79 year old man, living in a seashore bungalow was troubled by sand blowing into his garden during the recent storms. He swept it all up and informed his local council that he would be returning it to the beach.
Oh, no, they said. You cant`t do that. That would be fly-tipping, and that carries a £50,000 fine.
But it`s not my sand.
That doesn`t matter, it came off your property.
It will cost him £500 to get a licence to remove it..."safely!"
Please tell me it isn`t me..........................
SPRING IS SPRUNG, THE GRASS IS RIS, I WONDER WHERE THE BIRDIES IS?
Isn`t this the start of the best time of the year? You have to like being on your hands and knees though!
In between chatting to a special friend tonight, I shall be keeping an eye on Liverpool`s game against Barcelona. The fact that I want the Scousers to win is purely based on the fact that they`re an English club. This goes against the grain, because as a MAN. UTD. fan, i hate Liverpool. It`s inborn, something you can`t grow out of, nurtured through generations. Ask any Liverpool fan, they`ll say the same. Still , come on you Scouse gits!
The grumpy old git made it for a couple after all. It was good to whinge with a fellow blogger, and we sure as
hell put the world to rights! It will all come to nothing, alas. The world will never be right, but it makes me feel a whole lot better!!
Trigger was moaning that after doing his washing(his wife died 13 years ago), that he was itching a bit from his clothes. We suggested that this might be down to his washing powder. Obe Wan asked if he used fabric softener.
"No, what does that do?"
I need not continue...............!
We have duck curry on the bar tomorrow, courtesy of Obe Wan, with cauliflower and homemade garlic bread. I wont need any tea later. It saves Father cooking, and it`s free!
Oh, btw, Man. UTD beat the Scousers today. Now there`s reason for celebration!
Over the past few days the Daily Telegraph (D.T.) have been running a series of letters/articles about their readers most annoying sayings/phrases. I will give you all an example, then let the comments flow.
"He was the first to invent............."
You get the idea.
