Joke Tuesday. Double bill.

Teacher draws a penis on the blackboard,(oh, hell, i cant say that, Political Correctness you understand! Well BOLLOCKS!) 'Does anyone know what this is?'
Johnny says, 'My dad has two of them, a small one for weeing out of, and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth!'

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An octopus walks into a bar and says, 'I can play ANY instrument you like.'
The Englishman gives it a guitar which he plays better than Jimi Hendrix. The Irishman gives it a piano, which he plays better than Elton John. The Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says, 'What's wrong, can ye no play it?'

The octopus says, 'Play it? I'm going to f*ck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!!'