Joke Tuesday!

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee came in the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

Her husband rushed her to the local doctor and explained what had happened. The doctor thought for a moment and said,"Hmm, tricky one, but I have a solution if the young sir would permit."

The husband agreed to whatever method the doctor wished to use.

The doctor said,"OK, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow it out. The husband nodded his approval. The woman said,"Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it!"

So the doctor, after covering his penis with honey, inserted it into the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey, I need to go deeper.

So deeper and deeper he went. The young lady began moaning and groaning. The doctor looked like he was enjoying himself and placed his hands on her breasts.

At this point the husband became very annoyed and shouted, "What the hell are you doing?"

The doctor, still hard at it, said, "Change of plan, I'm going to drown the bastard!"

Pub News.

There was a 30th birthday party in the pub on Saturday night.

This was earlier in the evening.

This is footage from a lot later! Di, Charlie and Maz!

Thanks to Jez for doing a great job. There were 18 different mini-videos, but I had to trim them down as it would have taken hours to download them all!

General news.

First things first, as they say. My cold and cough that has been the bane of my life for the last three weeks has broken, and I can't say how glad I am to see the back of it! Hardly any sleep (constant coughing), no appetite (no taste). Keeping the fluid intake up, fortunately, hasn't been a problem!

Secondly, my mobile phone has decided, that, after 4 years it doesn't want to work anymore! Half-way through a call...silence. The RZR had died!

So, after a visit to Amazon I have bought this! A Samsung F480 Tocco (whatever that means!)

One of the locals has one and I was impressed by its' ease of use, touch screen and general clarity. It seems the ideal phone for me, one-handed operation is a real bonus too!

Joke Tuesday.

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the aeroplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?

Protecting your Mobile Phone.

Here is todays handy tip taken from the Book of Cyril, Chap 12, verse 6.

For all you careless people out there who spill coffee and other beverages over their mobile phone.

First, get a roll of cling-film. Don't use Bacofoil, this will stop all the wireless wavy things from getting out. (Something to do with 'Faraday screens' or something).

Second, wrap the phone in two separate layers of the film (this is to make absolutely sure that the hot fluid doesn't get into the works and damage the spring).

Thirdly, if perchance the fluid does get into the works, quickly remove the clingfilm and gently lever out the SIM card with a lump hammer and a large chisel to avoid damaging it.

Just to make sure that the coffee doesn't get spilt into the phone in the first instance, cover the cup with clingfilm and place in another room.

See? Easy when you know how.

Here endeth the lesson.

What happened next.......?

A small conundrum for you budding sleuths out in the blogosphere!

Firstly, a mobile phone.

Secondly, a mug of coffee.

Thirdly, a sim card.

What happens next?

There is also the added question. Whodunnit?

Joke Tuesday. Double bill!

Over 5000 men were surveyed and asked why they like receiving oral sex.

1% said they liked the warmth.

2% said they liked the sensation.

3% liked the eroticism.

However, 94% said they enjoyed the peace and quiet!

---

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a case. He asks, "Where are you going?"

"To London",she says, "I've heard prostitutes get £400 a time for what I do for free".

The man starts packing too. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how the hell you're going to live on £800 a year!"

Pub news.

I have the new mini cam-corder! Expect some fun!

Yesterday, Jez gave Di,our ever-so-gorgeous soaker landlady a cable for the computer as an example of what he wanted her to buy. "This is to show them what I need, if they have a shorter version, that would be good, if not ok." he said. Off she went into Lutterworth, the nearest town.

Upon her return Di announced that they didn't have a shorter cable, but this one works alright. "I know!", he said, "I wanted another one!"

Off she went again.

Logical advice!

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Dr. Pepper in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'!!!

AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Joke Tuesday.

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day,I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and says he has been feeling incresingly depressed. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him my ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't see the counsellor and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila.

*******************************

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that the fuel line is clear, If it is, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and all the earth wires. If none of these solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Walter.

Joke Tuesday.

This is from my good friend KB, thanks KB!

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go on a shopping trip one day to a big department store. While they are in there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed. The women's husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policeman breaks the news to them.

"I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags, which were dropped in the panic remain. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these we found?"

The three men all look at the handbags and identify their wives bags. With all accounted for the policewoman leaves them to grieve in peace.

They sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's bag and rummages through it, finally pulling out a half empty packet of cigarettes and says, "All these years of marriage and I never knew she smoked!"

The Scotsman looks into his wife's bag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch, "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank!"

The Irishman empties his wife's handbag, looks through the contents and pick up a half-empty packet of condoms. "Saints preserve us!



















All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man!"

Merriement at the "Monk"

The following video, shot today at the pub, is here by special request of #Debi who asked to see a video of John getting a smack from Di, the landlady, for being cheeky.

Actually if you look closely you will see that the smack is a bit pathetic, it looks more like a friendly pat on the cheek, and she could have hit him harder in my opinion. He deserved it today.

I must apologize for the quality of the video. Last night I was recording in low light conditions and I forget to change the settings. It was sunny today and the picture is a bit over exposed. I only bought this camera last week and I haven’t got round to reading the instruction manual yet!

The second video shows the free bar food loving prepared for the patrons by Di, our lovely landlady. The quality of the food is excellent and is only surpassed by the beauty and generous nature of Di. Everybody who uses the pub greatly appreciates the ‘Sunday Nibbles’; well, nearly everybody, there is one person in a wheelchair who never eats any!

Again I’m sorry about the quality of the video, I will try to do better next time.



I took the following pictures early before the pub filled up and the food vanished.