Joke Tuesday, double bill!

There once was a man who used to leave for work each morning, kissing his wife and saying, "Have a good day my rambling rose."

This went on for many months until one day he left for work and, as usual, kissed his wife saying, "Have a good day my rambling rose."

When he returned home that evening he found his wife in a furious temper. "My darling rambling rose, whatever is wrong? he asked.

"You called me a rambling rose," the irate wife replied.

"But I always call you a rambling rose," the perplexed man said.

"I know. But this morning I looked it up in a catalogue and it said, 'Rambling rose - alright up against a wall, but no good in a bed."

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Subject: Doctor Office etiquette

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."



"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.



The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."



The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.



The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"



"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.



The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"



"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.



The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

General drivel!

It's quite warm today, here, in sunny Leire. 27c,(81f) warm. It is humid too, and I sense a storm building. The media get really excited in the U.K. if the temperature tops 30c(86f), which it is forecast to do tomorrow. This is no milestone here. It does this every year on at least one day every summer!

We are being warned about how to survive this ' HEATWAVE ' in the press.

Drink plenty of fluids. Avoid coffee, tea and alcohol(yeh, right!), stay indoors with windows and curtains closed!

What planet are these people on? It's not even hot! 90+ is hot in this country!

Cheers!

Pub news.

There are two animals that reside in the pub,(more if you include the customers). Charlie the push-me-pull-you Pekingese, and Jasper the Tabby cat.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady loves Jasper and always cuddles him and tells him how lovely he is.(I get similar treatment)!

Pretend this is Jasper, as the only info I got was that he's a Tabby.

Di has been cuddling and talking silly to Jasper for the past two weeks. Jez was concerned. There was something different about Jasper that Di hadn't noticed.

Notice any difference between the two cats?

One of the locals came in and Di said,"Look at Jasper out there". The woman looked out of the window and remarked,"That's My cat,Stripey!"

Jez went out to check.

"Yep, that's Stripey!"

Di said,"I've been loving and cuddling that cat for two weeks!"

Jasper is still around and well, but was absent during the day whilst Di was fawning over the wrong cat!

Joke Tuesday.

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of
marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate,

painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25
years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list ofunmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his
hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as
though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'


Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I've got golf.

Pub news.

Jez and Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady have put some hanging baskets outside the pub to add a bit of colour. They look really lovely and obviously Di had a say in their positioning for maximum effect.

This explains, why, in the space off 10 minutes she had nearly knocked herself out on them twice!

A 'mind the hanging baskets' sign should be made. You know what health and safety issues they pose.

Especially if you happened to be called Di!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
After seeing Jez's pathetic efforts at hanging baskets I decided to put some outside my backdoor. You must admit they look absolutely fantastic don't they? It's amazing what you can do with a bunch of weeds isn't it?

Perhaps I should have moved the socks first? Or even washed them?

-Keith.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady has excelled herself this time!

Having lived with the female of the species for a year, I know that their morning habits are, get up, shower, dress, make-up, hair.

I didn't realise, however, that this could be used as hair spray!

Jez did NOT tell me this, semaphore was used!

Joke Tuesday.

10 Downing Street
London SW1

Dear People of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

This is true!

Pub news.

There must be a concerted attempt from Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady to provide me with blog material!

Today she went into Lutterworth(our nearst town) to do some banking. Now this may sound a relatively mundane task, easily accomplished, but this is our beloved soaker Di we're talking about!

The conundrum.

Or....

A 50-50 chance.

"I'd like to deposit this please." "I'm sorry madam, but you're in the wrong bank."

I love this place!

Private dig.

Apologies to everyone, but this video is for Steve, one of the regular Sunday Lunchtime Gang at the "Merrie Monk".
When I first saw it he came to mind immediately (I can't imagine why!).

When you watch the vid think "Everton" instead of "Liverpool".

Not that he is as bad as the character in the video, but he is such a keen supporter of Everton that he sometimes MISSES his drinking session at the Monk and stays at home to watch the matches, and then he gets a real "downer" when they lose.

Can you believe that? It would take more than a stupid football match to make me miss my Sunday at t'pub!

I think I'm in bother now!

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady has a natural gift for inadvertently supplying me with some superb copy for this blog! Today I had some information passed to me regarding Monday nights skittles match.

Di always puts on a buffet in the summer(hot food in the winter) for the two teams.

After much slaving away making sandwiches etc, it turned out that the fixture list read:

The Merrie Monk-v-Bye!

In other news, Jez won the poker on Tuesday night!

Di had her hair done today, it looks lovely, but it did before she had it done! It must be a female thing. As someone who is follically challenged, I don't really understand the reasoning about getting a perfectly good cut turned into a perfectly good cut for an exorbitant amount of money?!

I am sure I will be well informed by my lady readers!

Joke Tuesday

This is great!

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's
arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the
middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'


The agent nervously replies,


'He just found a bomb !'

Pub news.

There was much excitement in the pub this lunchtime!

As I sat talking to Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady she suddenly said screamed. "What's that?!", pointing out of the window. I looked up and just glimpsed a little black thing scurrying along the road, hugging the kerbside. (It must have been fond of the kerbside.) I thought it was a little rat, but I only saw it for a split second. As Di rushed out to investigate the Poacher and his brother turned up.

"What is it?," asked Di. "It's a mole", replied the Poachers' brother. At this point The Bush walked in.(His humour is drier than the Sahara!)

"We've just seen a mole running down the road", said Di,gleefully. "Have you been on the wine again?", asked Bush. "No I haven't. Well, a couple last night", she admitted. "But It was a mole, wasn't it?" she said to the Poacher. "Might have been." he said.

It was a mole, but Di was confused as she thought they were black and shiny and lived underground. The Poacher convinced her it was taking a short-cut! Bush suggested she lay off the wine and get some rest as moles don't usually run down roads, so she must be seeing things!

"You see some strange things outside this pub", I said. "You see some strange things in this pub," said Bush.

Cheers!!

Pub news.

This week has been a mixture of ups and downs. The downs are that Charlie (our star of a barmaid) had to attend her stepdads funeral today. Also on a downside is I have had to put up with Di,our ever so lovely soaker landlady all week!

On the up-side, Charlie is back behind the bar tomorrow! I am happy!

It is quiet in the pub at present. Trigger has barred himself, so Di is my main source of ammo, but even she has been relatively well behaved recently!

Last Sunday was bingo and poker night. Di won the bingo jackpot and Jez came third in the poker! Result!

Next week should bring some business in. The local fishing club are having their presentation in the pub. They come in on a regular basis, but it is the first time their presentation night has been held here. Also, on the same day a charity walk is passing through during the lunchtime so it will hopefully be a busy day!

I almost forgot. Keith came in on Tuesday, fawning to Di, as asual! Yawn!

Garden news.

My Sister came over the other day and took some snaps around the garden. She admits to not having quite mastered the camera yet, but I think they look good!

This is a Weigela, in full bloom. The sun makes it look too bright.

This I like! The shaded areas look lovely.

This Rhododendron is a relatively new addition to the front garden.

More soon!

Joke Tuesday.

Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?






Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now ....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!

Lovely weather for May

"What a gay day!" - Larry Grayson.

Nice enough to knock on the door of The Kremlin and ask "Is Lenin?" (The old ones are the best!)

How long is this freak weather going to last then?