New masthead

Keith(grumpy old git) has been working his magic, and with fantastic results! Cheers mate. I would normally out of courtesy linked to his blog, but as the grumpy old git has shut it down because not enough people read it............I wont!

Now I shall get some crap!!

Future pub attractions.

Ladies, don't say I don't think of you. Di has planned an extravaganza for you all, as a Christmas treat! The band are local lads and I have heard they are very good. As for the Ann Summers party.......We're barred!!

Poorly tummy.

I had a kebab last night(the same place as usual), and it was very nice. When I got up this morning, all was fine. I had my breakfast,then at 10ish my usual mug of coffee.

Dad took me to the pub at lunch. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable half-way through the 1st pint, you know,a rumbling belly. I realised I wasn't going to finish the drink safetly so I rang Dad up to come and get me as I didn't want any embarrassing mishaps in the bar. I have been drinking water all day, and feel a little better now,but not perfect.

I will see what tomorrow brings............

Joke Tuesday.

Long one this, but worth it!!

This got the whole of Sydney laughing.

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many people DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show.
The DJ's play a game where they award great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is asked to give the name of their partner with phone number. I their partner answers those same 3 questions correctly, they both get a prize.

The Harbour City fell apart at this, read on.

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant(laughing) 'Yes'.

DJ: 'Great! Then you know the prize, if you win is a trip to the Gold Coast. What's your name? First name only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: Are you married?'

Brian: 'Yes'

DJ: Thanks, now I need your wifes first name.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work?'

Brian: She'll kill me for this.'

DJ: 'Stay with me, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: Ok, first question- when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian:(laughing sheepishly)'Well......'

DJ: 'Question #2- How long did it last?'

Brian: About 10 minutes.'

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would have said that otherwise.'

Brian: Yeah, the trip would be good.'

DJ: Ok, final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o' clock this morning?'

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummmm, I well.....'

DJ: 'This sounds good, where was it at?'

Brian: 'Her mum was in the shower, so it was on the kitchen table.'

DJ: Atta boy!'

Okay folks, I'll put Brian on hold and get Sara on the phone.

DJ: 'Hello, is that Sara?'

Sara: 'Yes, who's speaking?'

DJ: 'Sara, thi is Ed from FOX-FM. We are live on air and i've been talking to Brian for a while now.'

Sara: (laughing) 'A while?'

DJ: 'Yes, a while. He is on the line with us. He knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sara:'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian:(laughing)

Sara:(laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer the questions honestly,ok? Be completely honest.'

Sara:(laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: Alright, when did you last have sex?'

Sara: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning, about 8.'

DJ: 'Good, next question. How long did it last?'

Sara: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmmmm. That's close enough. One last question, get it right and it's the Gold Coast for you both.

DJ: Where did you have it?'

Sara: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him the truth honey.'

Sara: 'Well....'

DJ: 'Come on Sara.....where did you have it?'

Sara:'Up the arse........'

They called an ambulance for the DJ, and traffic accidents rose by 40%!!

I thought you cat lovers might enjoy this. I am not keen on cats. I'm more of a dog man, which I think stems from some of the places I used to encounter in my youth!! That is another story!

Pub news.

We had an autopsy in the pub today. (or was it a post mortem)?

What is wrong with our football team? Everybody was blaming the manager, and admittingly he did make a couple of selection and strategical errors last night, but in the end it is down to the players. Once the game starts the manager has minimal input until half-time,or substitutions arise, whichever comes first.

Players who must be/are good at their trade, command astranomical wages, should,as a team be able to adapt to the oppositions game plan and play accordingly. But no. What we saw was an abject lack of on-field leadership. The captain was useless. The rest of them were useless.

Verdict: Sporting suicide.

Roll on the Motorbike racing!

Joke Tuesday..Double bill.

This is getting harder, as the jokes I've been getting lately are, let's say risque. But here goes, and if you are offended........Sorry (ish).

Little boy having bathtime with mum says, "What's that hairy thing?" Mum says, "It's my sponge."

"Oh, yeah, Auntie Kim has one too, I've seen her washing Dads' face with it."

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What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

Black coat, white collar, and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Absenteeism.

I have been somewhat lax with my posting of late. I apologise for not filling you with mirth/woe.(Depends how you read it). The reason is HTML. I am trying my best, as Mr.Farty will testify. I have been getting some serious help from Farty, and I thank him from the heart of my bottom bottom of my heart. But, to date, it appears I am thick.(Keith,If you say a word, I will get one of the lads to shove a fully laden sprout stalk where the sun doesn't shine).

I will conquer this ineptitude eventually, but it will take time.

There will be a joke Tuesday, but then the serious stuff starts! Farty, beware, the e-mails could increase.

See you all on Wednesday!

Puzzled!

I've just been watching the news. They were going on about the new Eurostar rail-link from St. Pancras. A marvellous piece of work, and long overdue, but what puzzles me is the statements on the news, and in the press, that; "Europe just got closer".

How can this be? Who moved, us or them?

Suggestions please.

Joke Tuesday.

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Everyday, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

One day, Camilla decided she wanted to accompany her husband on his daily jog.

As they neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd shout her usual £150 offer, and Camilla would wonder what he'd been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged past he averted his eyes from the hooker.

Then, from the corner, the hooker yelled,
















"See what you get for £5 you tight bastard?!"