Joke Tuesday.

Moral



Never over negotiate!














A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.



So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:



'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It reads:

'Just so you know things aren't always what they appear to be.

I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches .......... Just send the bottle back.

Aah,well!

More stunning singing!

Owing to mounting pressure from my fans Di's fans I have decided to publish Jezs' masterpiece. This could make X-Factor or the dustbin or the MTV awards!

This is a serious piece of pissed up artistic talent, nurtured over many glasses of wine years of practice!

Di and Charlie, you are stars and I am dead!

Joke Tuesday!

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee came in the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

Her husband rushed her to the local doctor and explained what had happened. The doctor thought for a moment and said,"Hmm, tricky one, but I have a solution if the young sir would permit."

The husband agreed to whatever method the doctor wished to use.

The doctor said,"OK, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow it out. The husband nodded his approval. The woman said,"Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it!"

So the doctor, after covering his penis with honey, inserted it into the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey, I need to go deeper.

So deeper and deeper he went. The young lady began moaning and groaning. The doctor looked like he was enjoying himself and placed his hands on her breasts.

At this point the husband became very annoyed and shouted, "What the hell are you doing?"

The doctor, still hard at it, said, "Change of plan, I'm going to drown the bastard!"

Pub News.

There was a 30th birthday party in the pub on Saturday night.

This was earlier in the evening.

This is footage from a lot later! Di, Charlie and Maz!

Thanks to Jez for doing a great job. There were 18 different mini-videos, but I had to trim them down as it would have taken hours to download them all!

General news.

First things first, as they say. My cold and cough that has been the bane of my life for the last three weeks has broken, and I can't say how glad I am to see the back of it! Hardly any sleep (constant coughing), no appetite (no taste). Keeping the fluid intake up, fortunately, hasn't been a problem!

Secondly, my mobile phone has decided, that, after 4 years it doesn't want to work anymore! Half-way through a call...silence. The RZR had died!

So, after a visit to Amazon I have bought this! A Samsung F480 Tocco (whatever that means!)

One of the locals has one and I was impressed by its' ease of use, touch screen and general clarity. It seems the ideal phone for me, one-handed operation is a real bonus too!

Joke Tuesday.

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the aeroplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?

Protecting your Mobile Phone.

Here is todays handy tip taken from the Book of Cyril, Chap 12, verse 6.

For all you careless people out there who spill coffee and other beverages over their mobile phone.

First, get a roll of cling-film. Don't use Bacofoil, this will stop all the wireless wavy things from getting out. (Something to do with 'Faraday screens' or something).

Second, wrap the phone in two separate layers of the film (this is to make absolutely sure that the hot fluid doesn't get into the works and damage the spring).

Thirdly, if perchance the fluid does get into the works, quickly remove the clingfilm and gently lever out the SIM card with a lump hammer and a large chisel to avoid damaging it.

Just to make sure that the coffee doesn't get spilt into the phone in the first instance, cover the cup with clingfilm and place in another room.

See? Easy when you know how.

Here endeth the lesson.

What happened next.......?

A small conundrum for you budding sleuths out in the blogosphere!

Firstly, a mobile phone.

Secondly, a mug of coffee.

Thirdly, a sim card.

What happens next?

There is also the added question. Whodunnit?

Joke Tuesday. Double bill!

Over 5000 men were surveyed and asked why they like receiving oral sex.

1% said they liked the warmth.

2% said they liked the sensation.

3% liked the eroticism.

However, 94% said they enjoyed the peace and quiet!

---

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a case. He asks, "Where are you going?"

"To London",she says, "I've heard prostitutes get £400 a time for what I do for free".

The man starts packing too. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how the hell you're going to live on £800 a year!"

Pub news.

I have the new mini cam-corder! Expect some fun!

Yesterday, Jez gave Di,our ever-so-gorgeous soaker landlady a cable for the computer as an example of what he wanted her to buy. "This is to show them what I need, if they have a shorter version, that would be good, if not ok." he said. Off she went into Lutterworth, the nearest town.

Upon her return Di announced that they didn't have a shorter cable, but this one works alright. "I know!", he said, "I wanted another one!"

Off she went again.