Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Joke Tuesday.

A group of primary school infants,accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to the Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet,it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and they boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice,(and leaving one outside to guard the door)she went inside,helped the boys with their pants,and began hoisting them up,one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted the final one,she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring,she said,"You must be in year four."















"No,madam,"he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15."

Can I just add that Di beat me up again. She read the blog last night!

What did i do wrong?

Sunday, 28 September 2008

Pub news.

Di belted me twice within 5 minutes of walking in. "What the hell was that for?" I asked with a look of surprise on my face."Just getting myself in credit for next week." My Dad grinned,a wish I'd done that grin! Pub life can be so cruel.

chilli pepper

The Poacher bought some deep fried crayfish and chilli peppers with a dip of various oils and spices.The chillis were mainly sweet varieties, apart from one! Guess who got THE ONE?

Trigger went red,then green,sweated,eyes watering! We didn't laugh(much)!

Once Trigger had recovered a modicum of composure(if that is possible),he blamed the Poacher for his distress. "It's your own fault Trigger," exclaimed the Poacher,"You ate it!"

Here endeth the lesson. If it's red and comes from the Poachers' kitchen, don't eat it,and if it's battered and comes from the Poachers kitchen,don't eat it.....unless you're Trigger!

Friday, 26 September 2008

Pub news.

I escaped the dreaded bog incarceration today by virtue of stealth and speed! I waited until she was busy then raced hobbled off to the loo! I was back before she new it!

I fear I may not be so lucky tomorrow after the following conversation when I was 3/4's down my pint.

Di,"Are you alright if I go out for a smoke?"

Me,"Yes,no problem."

Di comes back in a few minutes later and says,"Do you want me now?"

Me,"No,thanks, but I'll have a pint!"

Trigger thought this highly amusing."You can sit on my lap if you like."

Di,"UGH,I'd be sick you twat!"

I'll see what tomorrow brings??!

Thursday, 25 September 2008

General news!

With acknowledgements to The Daily Telegraph.



WHY THE LIGHTS WILL GO OUT ON BRITAIN!



PLANNED STATION CLOSURES OVER NEXT 10 YEARS



  1. DIDCOT A,2000 mw(coal)
  2. KINGSNORTH,1940 mw(coal)
  3. TILBURY,1428 mw(coal)
  4. HINKLEY POINT,1420 mw(nuclear)
  5. HARTLEPOOL,1210 mw(nuclear)
  6. COCKENZIE,1200 mw(coal)
  7. HUNTERSTON B,1190 mw(nuclear)
  8. HEYSHAM 1,1150 mw(nuclear)
  9. DUNGENESS B,1110 mw(nuclear)
  10. FERRYBRIDGE C,1000 mw(coal)
  11. IRONBRIDGE B,1000 mw(coal)
  12. WYLFA,980 mw(nuclear)



EXPENDITURE


£100 billion by 2020 must be spent to replace lost generating capacity and meet regulations for low carbon alternatives.



GAS IMPORTS


2008(50%)


2020(80%)



With acknowledgements to IAN FELL Emiritus Professor of Energy at Newcastle University.

"Nuclear will not be ready,renewables will not be able to cope. Gas is getting politically and geographically dangerous to rely upon. Security of supply must take priority over everything including climate change."

wind farm

When will the politicians,for,it is they who call the shots realise that these things are a waste of time?

Very,very soon I hope!

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Pub news.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY !!




Di, without any provocation from me,(all I said was "Hello.") and 2 hours later she locks me in the bog.....AGAIN!!

Your thoughts please.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Joke Tuesday.

A chicken farmer went to his local pub and sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,"How about that? I just ordered champagne too!"

"What a coincidence",he says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating!"

"This is a special day for me too,I'm also celebrating",she replies.

"What a coincidence", says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked,"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence", says the man,"I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile,but today they're finally laying eggs!"

"That's great news", she says,"How did your hens become fertile?"

I used a different cock," he replied.


















The woman smiled and said,"What a coincidence!"

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Sad news!

R.I.P.

Rick Wright

Rick Wright died on Monday, aged 65 following a battle with cancer. He was a founding member of PINK FLOYD, a group that were to captivate me over a 30 year period.

An accomplished musician, Wright was a genius on the keyboards, especially the Hammond organ, Also a prolific song-writer, he was responsible for most of "The Dark Side of the Moon", most notably "The Great Gig in the Sky".

The Dark Side of the Moon

He,along with the other members of PINK FLOYD have dominated my musical trend.

Unfortunately they have come to a premature end.

Long live PINK FLOYD!!



Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Joke Tuesday.

If you are Politically Correct, piss off!

Bono, the lead singer of the world famous band U2 is also famous for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, when he asks the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence,he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Glaswegian accent, near the front pierces the silence...........















"Well,stop f*cking doing it then!!"

Sunday, 14 September 2008

Pub news!

Yesterdays fun day went really well. Loads of people turned up, but alas, no photos! Jez said he was just too busy!

Today was absolutely packed. More than usual.!

beer

With acknowledgements.


When I enquired as to why, one of the lads said they'd just had a football match (the pitch is opposite the pub), and after the match went into the clubhouse for a beer only to find they'd run out.

This was an added bonus for the pub, as they spent a good two hours drinking!

In less interesting news, Keith
came in.

Di was floating around dishing food out on the bar.Crayfish

The Poacher bought a plateful of crayfish in done in a chilli,garlic and ginger sauce. These are the American "Signal" crayfish which have been illegally introduced and are decimating our smaller crayfish, so eating the buggers is helping a bit, LOL!

Thursday, 11 September 2008

Pub news!

SATURDAY FUN DAY




Di and Jez are having a family fun day this Saturday,raising money for a charity called LOROS,a charity we, as a family support.



There are all sorts of activities available, including:

BBQ

A Barbeque, cooked by The Poacher's brother. He's good at these.

Donkey rides

Donkey rides! They're probably the horses I picked last weekend!

Disco

A disco during the afternoon, then a live band at night!

Stalls

Stalls selling various things(not sure what yet!)

Bouncey castle

And finally,a bouncey castle,just so the kids don't go home on full stomachs!

I hope they have a really great day,and makes loads of money!

Can anyone think of some other attractions? Such as Keith in the stocks!

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Joke Tuesday.

From my friend, K.B.

Women are evil by nature.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the barman who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually,no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the barman..."Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across his lips and slyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth for him to gently suck on.

"What should I tell him?" he spluttered.

















"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, soap, or hand towels in the ladies room!"

Sunday, 7 September 2008

Music quiz. Answers!

  1. 2112- Rush.
  2. Delicate sound of thunder- Pink Floyd.
  3. Macalla- Clannad.
  4. Going for the one- Yes.
  5. Alchemy- Dire Straits.
  6. Kick- INXS.
  7. Innuendo- Queen.
  8. Life through a lens- Robbie Williams.
  9. Moonflower- Santana.
  10. The song remains the same- Led Zeppelin.
  11. Live over Europe- Genesis.
  12. Regatta de blanc- The Police.
  13. The dream of the blue turtles- Sting.
  14. On an island- David Gilmore.
  15. Parallel Lines- Blondie

Congratulations to Beccy who got them all right!

Pub news!

Firstly, I'd like to point out the the last posting on MY site was nothing to do with me! It's the grumpy git who comes in for a free Sunday lunch!!

Anyway, now that issue is out of the way, down to the pub news.

Di, our ever-so gorgeous landlady was in the kitchen preparing Keiths' lunch when the ceiling fell in!

One of the lads went on what remained of the roof,brushed the water away and pulled a tarpaulin over the hole.

I got belted because Keith told Di porkies!

This is not acceptable, and I shall deal with this on Tuesday when the old git comes in again!

Saturday, 6 September 2008

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Joke Tuesday, double bill!

SEX EDUCATION.

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.

'As soon as you hear the siren, swim for the tunnel and go in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a dark, damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.

Address it and say, 'I'm a sperm. She will answer, I'm the egg. From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?'

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, 'Good luck!'

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and heads for the tunnel.

A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern,he looks back and sees he is far ahead of the other sperm.

He is able to swim at a leisurely pace but still approaches the sticky, red ball first.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, 'Hi, I'm a sperm.'

The red sticky ball smiles back and says,




















'Hi, I'm a tonsil.'


************************************************************

Happy and Sad.

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said....

"Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time.

She said....















"You have the BIGGEST DICK of all your friends!"