Joke Tuesday.

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.

She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.

They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.


The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings.

Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, ‘You’re perfectly healthy--there's no problem..

But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

“Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.”

Thanks to Wendy and Stuey in Eastern Oz!

Pub news.

Sunday night and the ever popular poker night. Three tables of eight. Di, our ever-so lovely soaker landlady made it to the final table of eight. She got taken out by a policeman who lives up the road and plays most weeks. She called him a "Tw*t"!

Not a good move normally, except when you've a bottle of white wine under your belt!

In other news, Jez, Di's long suffering partner has had an abscess in his gum. His jaw swelled up to such an extent that he couldn't eat! Anti-biotics are working, but Di has had her bit of fun.

Jez calls the Pekingnese "Flatface", and the cat "Tw*tface", so Di responded with......."So, I've now got a Flatface, a Tw*tface, and now a Fatface"!

1-1, I think!

She still had a hangover migraine though!

General drivel!

My good friend Wendy and her husband Stuey, the barking mad Englishman(actually Wendy is mad too, but she's an Aussie, so that explains it!) sent me an E-mail on Monday with this picture attached.

I loved it, so I asked her to source me one.

And guess what? She is going to make me one and post it over!!

All the way from Brisbane, QL.!

Wendy and Stuey, you are stars!

Joke Tuesday, Double bill!

Turner Brown.


A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy
standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him too, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch
private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

---

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

Happy Tuesday!

Pub news.

As you are probably aware, Sunday night is poker night in the Merrie Monk. After a busy lunchtime, it is a good opportunity for Jez and Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady to relax and enjoy a pleasant game of cards.

However, things don't always work out as planned.

I turned up today and asked Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady how last night went, and who had won. "I don't remember", came the reply. My eyes lit up! Blog fodder!

There were 32 players last night and Di, the more she moved around the tables kept losing her wine. Charlie, the super barmaid kept finding them and returning them to Di, by which time she'd got another bottle! So, we have a stash of half-empty wine bottles on the shelf under the table, out of sight of the customers. Until one of them put his feet up and knocked them over! Fortunately they are screw top, so nothing was spilt!

"Bloody hell, Di, you're storing them"!, said the culprit. "I keep losing them.",replied Di.

A little further into the wine night, Di was talking to one of the customers. She asked why his girlfriend wasn't here. "She's working", he said. "Where did you meet her?", asked Di. "Lanzarote", he said. (by this time the stash of wine had gone.) "She's Greek then?", said Di.

Di had a migraine this morning! Myself and Jez and the other locals have another name for it!

CHEERS!

Pub news.

Today has been a busy day for Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady and Jez, her long-suffering partner.

A few weeks ago a fishing club enquired about having breakfast in the pub one morning before their match. A full fry-up, for 24(9.oo am start)!

Naturally Di and Jez agreed. Ably assisted by Charlie and her boyfriend Zach, they did such a good job that, apart from coming back in tonight, they have booked again for next month!

In other news, Keith came in. *yawn*!

It was good to see the grumpy old git though!

Pub news.

Jez was behind the bar when I arrived at the pub today. For the last two days I have had to put up with Di,our ever so lovely soaker landlady! I was getting fed up with being hit, so today was a pleasant respite!

I asked where Di was, all the while looking over my shoulder. Jez said she had gone to get her hair done. I asked how long she had been gone. "Three hours", he said.

Our lovely landlady arrived back looking radiant, but to me, the layman, the hair looked as good as usual.

"When are you getting your hair done", I asked.

Maybe I shouldn't have!

I hurt!

Joke Tuesday!

THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED, WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.

'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED.

'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED.

'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM.

'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED.

JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.

THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE WAS STILL $5000. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.

AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED.

THE MAN REPLIED, ' MINNESOTA.'

'REALLY', SHE SAID. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN MINNESOTA.'

'I KNOW.' THE MAN SAID. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. '

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.

1. DEATH
2. TAXES, AND
3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER

Pub news!

I have a friend,(this is not the news!), a good friend, as it happens and he came in the pub today brandishing a fresh crab. Ready dressed and waiting to eat. He asked if I liked crab (I don't), then he asked Di if she and Jez would like it. Di ran off!

My friend has asked not to be identified by name, so I shall refer to him as YP.

YP has a boat, a 13foot one that he uses for a bit of sea fishing. Last week YP and the family went down to Cornwall(SW England for overseas readers) for a holiday.

This isn't actually YPs' boat, but it's 13 feet, and, it's a boat!

YP went out in the boat,put the out-board on, and saw water coming into the boat! The BUNG! He'd forgotten to put the bung back in the stern(rear) of the boat and it was sinking!

Once back to shore, the bailing out
began!

My friend YP shall now be named!

YOU PILLOCK!

The Poacher and his brother went into the dump that is called Leicester to an Indian supermarket. They came back with an assortment of condiments and hot things with which to torment the gullible locals.

The red sauce on the left is an assortment of pickled chilli and vegetables. The one on the right is a jar of pickled green chillis.

Which is the hottest? I tried both.

In other news, Emma, one of our ex barmaids and her husband Rob are celebrating the birth of their second child! A boy, William, a brother for George. 7lbs exactly!

Congratulations to them. A piss-up will follow!

Joke Tueday double bill.

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile
when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)



Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and
done everything!

*****************************************************************



A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon ... all he
wants is anal sex and my ass hole is now the size of a 50 pence piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman ... you
live in an 8 bedroom mansion ... you drive a Ferrari ... you get £1000
a week allowance you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all
that away for 45 pence!!!!!!!!!"

You've got to smile!

Pub news!

This may seem a strange start to a post on this highly unstable blog, but all will be revealed in due course.

Some information has been bought to this intrepid reporters attention by Jez.

A few months ago, it appeared that some 'creature' was snorting cocaine in the cubicle in the gents loo. They were standing on the toilet seat and lining it up on the window-sill. This has since been sorted, and the 'creature' involved, barred!

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady was telling some of the lads about the incident, but, being everso pissed tired,she said, that to stop it happening again, she would cover the window-sill in......................................

Please note the song title!

Pub news.

Jez told me he had a mild rant at Di,our ever so lovely soaker landlady the other day, so I feel duty bound to pass on what already in the public domain.

You see,Jez has about twenty pairs of socks. So,not finding any pairs in the drawer, he went to the washing basket.

This is where the problem begins. Out of all the socks in the washing basket there was not one matching pair!

Where the other socks are remains to be seen, but Di is now officially banned from washing socks.

He'll do his own!

So, on the basis of this, I have come up with a new day of celebration in the pub!