The odd couple!

He's 7'7", she's 5'5". They got married the other day. A special bed (9'6") was made for them as a wedding present! Click on picture to read the report!

Walk this!

This appeared in the DT the other day. A cross between a Great Dane and a St. Bernard. It stands 6' 5" on its hind legs, has a 59" chest, and has to have hand made collars. ( The first two specs sound like me).........HAAAAAAAA!

My witty Wednesday.

Liverpool airport was closed today after police found a suspicious vehicle.

Apparently it was taxed, mot'd, insured, and had wheels!

Joke Tuesday

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eyelid in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock I was just wandering if you were my son."

Sunday lunch

11.30am, usual time on a Sunday lunch. Curry on the bar (homemade by Obe Wan). Freshly picked spring onions for those, like me , who aren't curry fans.
Di, the landlady is behind the bar. We are watching 'Countryfile' on tv. The programme is from Scotland, and they are serving fresh oysters.

"There you go Di, you'll love them". says The Poacher.

"No, I don't like anything slimy in my mouth".

I shall say no more, but leave the rest to your imagination!!

PS...Trigger got slapped!

Pub laugh.

Trigger doesn't like the smoking ban. (I' m not keen myself). He can't get over the fact that I had a hypnotist help me to stop. No one can do that. Did she wave the coin thing in front of your eyes? "You are under my spell".
I treated all his comments with my usual decorum, until an hour later. "I'm nipping out for a fag, you coming Ironsides?"

"No, thanks, I don't smoke Trigger.!

Aaah, those words!

"You mean you ACTUALLY did that hypnothera..thingy? And it worked?"

"Yes, Trigger, it worked. Just as I'd finished laughing at Trigger a bloke I'd rang earlier came in and gave me £90.00. Nice.

Trigger wanted to know why I was smiling, as I'd just sold my last 600 cigs for £30 a sleeve, and the buyer would sell them for more.

"Trigger, I only paid £15 a sleeve. Cheers!"

Update.

5,10.pm, Now I don't usually eat until about 6.30pm, but after yesterdays reaction to the hypnosis I WAS STARVING!

Luckily, I have never had a sweet tooth so comfort eating on chocolate is a no-no. Today was 4 rounds of ham salad sandwiches, a bowl of fresh cherries, and 3 slices of fresh melon.

I think I'm doing well! No craving for a cigarette, no whingeing/ moodiness. This really works!

Dad did tell me off this morning for pissing up a tree and barking at a cat, but hey, I'm no Beagle any more.

Smoking

I don't smoke anymore!!

What fantastically strange feeling being hypnotised is. You are aware of every sound around you, yet blissfully relaxed. When she brought me out of it, I went rigid for a split second then back to normal. Worth every penny, and I am not even craving one!

Had to post this joke!

Paddy, driving along, pulls alongside a lorry.

"Oi, driver, you're losing your load!"

"Piss off, I'm busy".

5 miles further on.

"Driver, you're still losing your load!"

"Will you sod off, you're in my way!"

5 miles later.

"Driver, honestly, you ARE losing your load!"


"F*CK OFF I'm gritting!!"

Joke Tuesday.

It's back! My source of humour is back from holiday, so hear goes.

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy' God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, it seemed the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thoght it a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put his daughter to bed, and listened to her prayers.

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."
The next day Grandma died. Shit, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when his daughter was going to bed he heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He nearly went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to work. He was nervous, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured that if he could last 'till midnight he would be ok.

He felt safe in the office, so he stayed until midnight then went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, " You think you've had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"