Anniversary!

The gales of today reminded me of that nasty day eight years ago last Tuesday.

Damn, I hate gales!

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Keiths contribution for today:

Tagged!

The other day I got tagged by jonm. He asked me to write down six non-important things/habits or quirks about yourself. So here goes.

1: I love the open fields around our village. The disused railway line was always a favourite for making dens, camping and hunting rabbits as kids, and as I got older for walking my Labrador.

2: Now I'm disabled, and can only use one arm, the easiest way for me to read the newspaper is from back to front!

3: I am addicted to the "Bourne Trilogy", as is my father.

4: Can't run anymore. This is great as I hated running when I could!

5:I always do the Daily Telegraph cryptic crossword every morning, after reading the paper backwards!

6:I go to the pub every lunchtime. It's the only time I get to see my mates, and it gives my father some free time to himself.

I wont tag anyone else, but if you wish to take part........

Joke Tuesday.

Now, I need you to clear your minds of all obscene thoughts!

A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital. He returns two days later with an empty jar.

The nurse asks why he hasn't managed to supply a sample.

"Sorry", he says, "but I tried with my right hand, then the left hand! Then my wife tried with both hands! Then with her mouth, first with her teeth in, and then with them out! Then we asked Ethel from next door to have a go.

It was no good.

We just couldn't get the f*cking lid off the jar!!

Now, you didn't think that, did you!!

Cover blown!

Keith let the cat out of the bag on my last posting. Today is my 46th birthday,(for my present, see picture). He came over for a couple of pints,and met Don,(the poachers dad), and Baz, his best mate. They sat there talking about some French coins Keith had got, and archery (Baz and Keith both shoot longbows), well Keith did, but he's too old now! I watched the news!

I didn't fancy a battering on my birthday from Di, so this is from yesterdays mayhem in the pub. Certain information has come to my attention and I feel duty bound to give you all a good laugh. Bear in mind the grief I am going to get!

Di, our beautiful landlady went into the local town the other day. She parked up, went to the chemist to get some memory pills medicine.On coming out, Di realised she needed to fill the car up with petrol, so Di sets off to the petrol station and when she is almost there..........AAHH, the car, I need the car!! She'd walked there!!

Another piece of information miraculously entered my domain. Some time ago, Jez was out in his car, when he broke down. He rang Di up to come and tow him home. Out she came, and Jez roped the two cars together. Off they went.

Now, after driving three and a half miles, Di, our beloved landlady realises that the rope has snapped! Were is Jez? Do wing mirrors/rear-view mirrors spring to mind?

I AM DEAD.

Normal service resumed!

Well, after a few months absenteeism, Trigger is back!

Fortunately he hasn't changed.

We were watching the golf, live from Qatar. The Doha golf club. "Not golf again!" said Trigger.

"Piss off" I said, "you haven't been in for months!"

"When you become a regular again you might just get a say".

"I didn't get a say before." moaned Trigger. "Ok, what do you want on?"

I'm not bothered, but anything but golf!"

"Alright." I put the fishing programme on(I know Trigger likes fishing).

"What's this?" asks Trigger.

Fishing you moron!

"Right, I'm off then, see you all!!" he announces. TW*T!

This takes the biscuit, now I AM fuming!

Right! After my slight missive yesterday, what I read in todays Daily Telegraph got me raging. So much so that Dad came in to see if I was alright!

Baa,Baa Black Sheep has now become Baa,Baa Rainbow Sheep!

Now we have news that Snow White cannot have any dwarfs, for fear of upsetting 'vertically challenged' people,(that would be dwarfs then).

Now for the real cruncher! This is SO ridiculous, that I laughed before the rage took over.

The Three little pigs has been pulled from primary schools in case it upsets Muslims

Now I'm not against Muslims, as long as they don't bother me, or try to force their religion on me. Just the same as I am with any other religion. I loathe it all.

But that isn't the point of this rant, it's the Politically correct tossers who ruin it for everyone. Even the Muslim council of Britain has condemned the decision!

I'm off for a game of chase the Spastic round my virtual golf course. What do you think?

I quite like HTML!!

National disgrace!

Today has been a bit strange. We have the police protesting about their, quite frankly disgraceful treatment by this corrupt excuse for a government of ours who have reneged over their signed and sealed pay deal,(which the Scottish force got at our expense), and we have the bizarre scenario of the police policing the police.

To me, this is a completely ridiculous state of affairs.

His excellency Gordon (the giver) Brown, has just signed a deal with India to give them £825 million!

Hello!! Am I missing something here?

Joke Tuesday.

Paddy is trying to catch fish through the ice.

He hears a loud booming voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Paddy says, "Is that you God?"

The voice replies, "No, you tw*t, I'm Barry, the F*CKING ICE RINK MANAGER!"

Pub news.

We had a giggle today.

Di,our beloved landlady was hosting a christening. She had my friend the "smoker" do her some smoked salmon. His eldest son sliced the salmon up, wafer thin, and left some tail ends with fresh lemon for Jez to try.

However, things took a turn for the worse when Di, ever the perfectionist when it comes to cleanliness thought they were waste bits and chucked them in the bin.

Jez was not best pleased and obviously told us. So we had a little fun. "Pint please Di, and a packet of crisps". "What flavour?" "Salmon"! "You can b*llocks"!

Pub news.

TRIGGER'S back!!