A quick music quiz for you. I give you the album title, you tell me the artist! Simple.
This should be easier than Mr. Farty's Friday torture (for me)!
Enjoy, answers next Sunday.
Today, I have been thoroughly humiliated in my local boozer!
Imagine walking into the bar and being laughed at like you were some freak!(No comments please!). Laughter like I never heard before, and at MY expense! It was a shock to the system. I felt a foot tall, my face reddened with embarrassment.
Di had locked me in the
This post is being typed by a very nice nurse from ward 3 in the Leicester General Hospital. Di has read my blog.
She wasn't pleased.
I am dictating through blood spattered gums.
Ok, now the joke,(I did get a good slapping, i'll tell you. Trigger was jealous!)
HELLO?
Hi, honey, this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?
No, Daddy, she's upstairs with Uncle Paul.
But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.
Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy.
Okay then, put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car has just pulled onto the driveway.
Okay, Daddy, just a minute.
I did it Daddy.
And what happened, honey?
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!
Oh my God!!! What about Uncle Paul?
He was really scared and jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know you'd drained it last week to clean it. I think he's dead!
Thanks again to my friend KB for this one!
I am still alive, Di didn't read my blog last night, she got pissed instead.
Can't fault her for that. I have agreed with Jez that I shall be killed on Tuesday, as tomorrow is a bank holiday over here in Engerland.
I hope she doesn't kill me completely to death or joke Tuesday will be no more!
I got this off Chrisb's blog, and was surprised how close to me I thought it was! Apart from the jealousy thing at the end: I don't do jealousy!
It wont stop Di killing me tomorrow though!!
What John Means |
 You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. |
I am in BIG trouble.
I told you a week ago about Di's mistake before their weekend away. She is finally going to read my blog tonight, but I have stoked the fire even further. I told her this lunchtime that she looked lovely (she did and Jez was present), and enquired if he'd got her ready!
Now, considering the beating i'm going to get tomorrow, does this seem fair?
My thanks again to my good friend KB for this joke.
Pierre, a brave French WW1 fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on her lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?",says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things begin to heat up and Marie says,!Pierre, kiss me lower.!
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up. Marie leans close to Pierres ear and whispers," Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams,"PIERRE, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING!?
Our hero stands there defiantly and says,"I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down I go down in flames!"
Dad, without any prompting has been snapping!
A Peacock butterfly on our Budlia.
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The brilliant blue flower is Agapanthus.
Dad liked the look of the clouds, and he gets some good practice in!
Now, it's unusual for me to post a blog on a Sunday, but as Keith dropped me right in the shit today with Di, this will probably be my last!
Muck spreading is a part of country life, it feeds the fields and smells like shit. Which of course it is. Cow shit to be exact, and after 35 years of living in the country, I quite like it! Di, however,being a townie isn't quite as enamoured as myself.Anyway, the other night,after a particularly heavy spreading session, the wind was in the perfect direction as Di went out for a smoke. Roy was out there already,and always ready for a laugh, said,"Nice perfume Di!"
Wish me well for tomorrow!
This is really exciting for me, because after Di has read this there maybe no future posts!
Jez and our ever-so-lovely landlady Di went away last weekend in their newly acquired caravan.(I'm sure I mentioned it.)
As with any operation of this nature the plans have to be laid down with military precision. Tasks have to be allocated to various people. Being a two person excursion (and the push-me-pull-you), this should have been a doddle.
The allocated responsibilities were as follows:
Jez, the entire running of the caravan and car: fuel, gas bottles, maintainence, tyre pressures,water,washer bottles,security hitch-up, etc.
Di, dog, food for all, pots and pans, clothes, etc. Simple!.......err, no!
When they arrived and pitched camp, so to speak, it was food time! Something, however was missing.
The cutlery!
Not a knife,fork or spoon to be seen! Coffee was measured using an egg cup!
It's the next part that will seal my fate. The washing up!
Right, picture the scenario. Di, our ever- so- lovely landlady is at the sink where she belongs slaving away, washing away the remains of some pasta sauce. (The plates, so i'm told are a semi-translucent glass,very nice), anyway, Di says to Jez,"These plates stain easily, I've been scrubbing this one for ages!"
Jez went to have a look."The plates are stuck together, that stuff is on the bottom one!"
Please say nice things at my funeral. I may survive until I leave, as I don't pay up until I leave!
My good friend K.B. has tagged me with this: Five fancies of alcohol induced attraction, or "beer goggles"! So, here goes!
One pint of beer: Elle 'the body' Macpherson.
After two pints of beer my hopes are still high: Sharon Davies.
After four pints, not too bad: Minnie Driver.
After six pints,getting confused. they,ve put a few vodkas in my ale: Uma Thurman.
THE GALLON and a load of double whiskies! Cherie Blair!
Where's the bucket? I feel sick!
K.B, I shall exact my revenge!
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been staring at his drink for over half an hour when this big hairy biker walks in and stands next to him, grabs his drink,gulps it down in one and then turns to the little guy with a menacing look as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it?"
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time", the biker says. "I didn't think you'd cry! I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy, between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late for an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put and end to my life, and then you show up and ....
drink the f*cking poison, you bastard!
My golfing hero has always been Nick Faldo, the greatest Englishman to swing a club.
I think he has a near double.
Close? What do you think,and can you think of any other near doubles?
Keith came in today. Strange,I thought, as I saw him pull into the car park, he always comes in on a Sunday,(when the free food's out!) Anyway,it turns out that he is going to Winchester to see his 'daughter' Wendy for a few days. More grub for us then!
Trigger was in,but as Di and Jez are away for the weekend in their caravan he had to put up with the lovely Sharon,(you've met her before).
Trigger,"Hello gorgeous."
Sharon,"Hello you twat!"
Different people, same greetings! And so it went on.......
We have this plant in the front garden,right against the house called a Crinum. It throws up spikes of flowers, dozens of them. Big,beautiful blooms, and then dies back for the year.
Here are a couple of Dad's photos.
This plant flowers at an alarming rate!
It is a member of the lily family, and this one is about 4 feet tall.
This weeks joke is courtesy of our genial landlord JEZ.
I think he may have me in mind!!
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St. Patrick's day. Mick, the bartender says,"You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies,"OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins round on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face." Shoite", he says and pulls himself up using the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite,shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and steps out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus.......I'm fockin' foocked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the doorframe,opens the door and wriggles inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way".
He eventually crawls upstairs and into his room, takes another step and falls into bed,"Fock it", he says
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room with a cup of coffe and says,"Get up Paddy. Did you have a drink last night?"
Paddy says, "Yes I did Jess, I was foockin' pissed. But how did you know?"
"Mick phoned.....you left your wheelchair at the pub!"
Cheers JEZ, you bastard!! LOL!!
