Thursday, 31 January 2008
Wednesday, 30 January 2008
The other day I got tagged by jonm. He asked me to write down six non-important things/habits or quirks about yourself. So here goes.
1: I love the open fields around our village. The disused railway line was always a favourite for making dens, camping and hunting rabbits as kids, and as I got older for walking my Labrador.
2: Now I'm disabled, and can only use one arm, the easiest way for me to read the newspaper is from back to front!
3: I am addicted to the "Bourne Trilogy", as is my father.
4: Can't run anymore. This is great as I hated running when I could!
5:I always do the Daily Telegraph cryptic crossword every morning, after reading the paper backwards!
6:I go to the pub every lunchtime. It's the only time I get to see my mates, and it gives my father some free time to himself.
I wont tag anyone else, but if you wish to take part........
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Now, I need you to clear your minds of all obscene thoughts!
A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital. He returns two days later with an empty jar.
The nurse asks why he hasn't managed to supply a sample.
"Sorry", he says, "but I tried with my right hand, then the left hand! Then my wife tried with both hands! Then with her mouth, first with her teeth in, and then with them out! Then we asked Ethel from next door to have a go.
It was no good.
We just couldn't get the f*cking lid off the jar!!
Now, you didn't think that, did you!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, 28 January 2008
Keith let the cat out of the bag on my last posting. Today is my 46th birthday,(for my present, see picture). He came over for a couple of pints,and met Don,(the poachers dad), and Baz, his best mate. They sat there talking about some French coins Keith had got, and archery (Baz and Keith both shoot longbows), well Keith did, but he's too old now! I watched the news!
I didn't fancy a battering on my birthday from Di, so this is from yesterdays mayhem in the pub. Certain information has come to my attention and I feel duty bound to give you all a good laugh. Bear in mind the grief I am going to get!
Di, our beautiful landlady went into the local town the other day. She parked up, went to the chemist to get some
memory pills medicine.On coming out, Di realised she needed to fill the car up with petrol, so Di sets off to the petrol station and when she is almost there..........AAHH, the car, I need the car!! She'd walked there!!
Another piece of information miraculously entered my domain. Some time ago, Jez was out in his car, when he broke down. He rang Di up to come and tow him home. Out she came, and Jez roped the two cars together. Off they went.
Now, after driving three and a half miles, Di, our beloved landlady realises that the rope has snapped! Were is Jez? Do wing mirrors/rear-view mirrors spring to mind?
I AM DEAD.
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, 25 January 2008
Well, after a few months absenteeism, Trigger is back!
Fortunately he hasn't changed.
We were watching the golf, live from Qatar. The Doha golf club. "Not golf again!" said Trigger.
"Piss off" I said, "you haven't been in for months!"
"When you become a regular again you might just get a say".
"I didn't get a say before." moaned Trigger. "Ok, what do you want on?"
I'm not bothered, but anything but golf!"
"Alright." I put the fishing programme on(I know Trigger likes fishing).
"What's this?" asks Trigger.
Fishing you moron!
"Right, I'm off then, see you all!!" he announces. TW*T!
Posted by John Greenwood at Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, 24 January 2008
Right! After my slight missive yesterday, what I read in todays Daily Telegraph got me raging. So much so that Dad came in to see if I was alright!
Baa,Baa Black Sheep has now become Baa,Baa Rainbow Sheep!
Now we have news that Snow White cannot have any dwarfs, for fear of upsetting 'vertically challenged' people,(that would be dwarfs then).
Now for the real cruncher! This is SO ridiculous, that I laughed before the rage took over.
The Three little pigs has been pulled from primary schools in case it upsets Muslims
Now I'm not against Muslims, as long as they don't bother me, or try to force their religion on me. Just the same as I am with any other religion. I loathe it all.
But that isn't the point of this rant, it's the Politically correct tossers who ruin it for everyone. Even the Muslim council of Britain has condemned the decision!
I'm off for a game of chase the Spastic round my virtual golf course. What do you think?
I quite like HTML!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, 23 January 2008
Today has been a bit strange. We have the police protesting about their, quite frankly disgraceful treatment by this corrupt excuse for a government of ours who have reneged over their signed and sealed pay deal,(which the Scottish force got at our expense), and we have the bizarre scenario of the police policing the police.
To me, this is a completely ridiculous state of affairs.
His excellency Gordon (the giver) Brown, has just signed a deal with India to give them £825 million!
Hello!! Am I missing something here?
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Tuesday, 22 January 2008
Sunday, 20 January 2008
We had a giggle today.
Di,our beloved landlady was hosting a christening. She had my friend the "smoker" do her some smoked salmon. His eldest son sliced the salmon up, wafer thin, and left some tail ends with fresh lemon for Jez to try.
Jez was not best pleased and obviously told us. So we had a little fun. "Pint please Di, and a packet of crisps". "What flavour?" "Salmon"! "You can b*llocks"!
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, January 20, 2008
Saturday, 19 January 2008
Thursday, 17 January 2008
This is our dresser, passed down at least two generations that I know of. The photos on the left are my fathers parents, the one on the right of that is my mum's mum,in the middle is my mum and dad with friends.
The silverware is solid silver, how old, I have yet to determine. The plates are original willow pattern.
Posted by John Greenwood at Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
This joke is so crap, it's funny
Trevor, the farmer,was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens),called 'pullets' and eight or so roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed that old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Trevors amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it didn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berkshire county fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation with the judges.
The result: Gordon won the No Bell Piece Prize, and the ultimate Pulletsurprise as well!
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making....who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?!!
Sorry to butt in. My blogpage is down at the moment. Last night somebody must have hacked their way into our server, or somewhere, and found some of the names and passwords. They then put pornography and vile language onto several pages, including mine. Until we find out how they breached the security and "closed the hole", so to speak, my page will remain off. Sorry for any inconvenience (as if!)
I will now return you to the studio, over to you John, as they say on TV!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, 14 January 2008
Di, our lovely landlady, asked Don if he would 'smoke' a couple of sides of salmon for a bit of a "do" she is arranging next week.
Don, you may recall, is our local genius at smoke-curing wild pigeon breasts, and is considered to be an a bit of an expert when it comes to cooking breasts.
"Yes, of course I will" he said. To which Di replied "I've got them in the fridge out the back at the moment"
"Don't let me forget them" Don said.
"No", said Di, "I'll get them out for you when you are ready to go".
Now my hearing is not so good these days, but I hope she meant the salmon steaks!
Posted by John Greenwood at Monday, January 14, 2008
Sunday, 13 January 2008
Keith, that well-known
arsehole friend of mine has produced this cartoon, then tried to blame me for it when he saw Nikki today.But no,I had pre-empted his manouevre, and explained to Nikki that it was Keiths work as I am too thick to create that yet!
Posted by John Greenwood at Sunday, January 13, 2008
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
A quiz for you. You have a few days, no cheating, as I'll know!!
I give you the main Bond girls names (character), you tell me the film. There could be more than one per film, so your memory needs to be good.
We start with the first. But they may not be in order!
- Honey Ryder
- Tatiana Romanova
- Jill Masterson
- Pussy Galore
- Vesper Lynd
- Dr. Holly Goodhead (best name ever)
- Giacinta "Jinx" Johnson
- Paris Carver
- Wai Lin
- Dominique (Domino) Derval
- Plenty O'Toole
- Tiffany Case
- Kissy Suzuki
- Teresa Di Vicenzo
- Natalya Fyodorovna Simonova
- Kara Milovy
- Melina Havelock
- Major Anya Amasova
- Miss Mary Goodnight
- Dr. Molly Warmflash
- Pam Bouvier
- Pola Ivanova
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
I am a Muppet. I completely forgot about joke Tuesday
Scouser walks into a job centre and tells the assistant he's hard working,honest and desperate for a job ........ the assistant replies "that's fortunate, we have just got one in. We need a chauffeur for a multi-millionaire, which includes looking after his twin nymphomaniac daughters whilst on overseas trips. It comes with a salary of £200,000 a year".
The Scouser says, "you're bullshitting me."
The assistant replied," You f*cking started it!!"
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, January 08, 2008
A mate of mine went fishing last week and caught this beauty, 23 pounds! The blood is his, its teeth grazed his finger, and as they have an anti-coagulant a lot of blood follows!
This is my first successful photoshop post. Thanks Keith !
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Monday, 7 January 2008
Saturday, 5 January 2008
I didn't quite grasp what I'd heard at first, but the ensuing fits of laughter confirmed things.
Bush (don't ask) : "Hello Sharon, you have a good Christmas?"
Sharon: "Not really, I've had that bug. But now I'm better and looking forward to a good blow-out!"
Bush, spluttering in his pint: "Can you let me finish the drink first?"
Sharon: "I said BLOW-OUT!"
Bush: "Same thing, just inhale now and then."
Sharon: "John, you wont blog this will you?"
Me: "No, would I?"
BTW, I have come into some information regarding my beloved friend Zoe. Now, being the friend that I am. I told Zoe about my windfall.
"Oh f*ck, where did you get that?!"
"You bastard, I'm toast!"
Read future posts, Keith gets the info tomorrow!
Posted by John Greenwood at Saturday, January 05, 2008
Wednesday, 2 January 2008
Just when I was beginning to get a small grip of posting using HTML, one of my mates tells me to get Photoshop.
"Use this, it's brilliant. I do all my designing using this." He says. "You can do anything with this."
I gleefully took it home and downloaded it, thinking I could make distorted pictures of Keith.
Instructions, no! Can I use it, no. Ring a bell................?
Posted by John Greenwood at Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Tuesday, 1 January 2008
To ALL my friends in the blogosphere who sent me best wishes for 2007, it did f*ck-all!
For 2008, could you please send either money, alcohol or petrol vouchers.
You have to know that a very good time was had in the Merrie Monk last night, and, on wishing Di a happy New Year at lunchtime I received the following reply: " I feel like shit".!!
Posted by John Greenwood at Tuesday, January 01, 2008