Last joke of 2013!

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse, and it won't hurt as much.'****

A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my friends!

Home news.

That's it!! The Christmas cards have been lobbed in the bin: it's over, finito, done with!! Roll on normality!

Festive joke Tuesday!

*Onions and Christmas Trees *

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions." ! "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree ?" !

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration." !

Merry Christmas!

Joke Tuesday.

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her explain that to you."

Pub news.

Busy day for the staff today! Thirty meals done by 2pm, then 104 booked in from 4pm!! Repeat tomorrow and Sunday!

Joke Tuesday.

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'

.

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....

'Your house'

Joke Tuesday.

FUTURE OF SCOTLAND.

If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the Former United Kingdom (F.U.K.).

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'Yes' in the referendum, Lib.Dems have now begun a campaign with the slogan: "Please Vote 'No' For FUK's Sake!"

They feel the Scottish people can relate to this, particularly those of Glaswegian origin!

Home news.

I have a new *chariot*! The people at the centre did a brilliant job fixing my arm rest to the new chair.

The reason there's a wheel missing is that the engineer was taking the push rim off for me.

Pub news.

The Christmas decorations went up yesterday! That means we'll have a month of carols on the stereo!

The people around here can't be superstitious, as Paul has ninety booked in on Friday 13th Dec!!

Don't these people get fed up of turkey?

The Xmas meals start on the 1st, and the pub is fully booked for the month!

Joke Tuesday.

The following may contain and ending that may upset some of the more squeamish of you...but, hey ho!

I walked into a pet shop today and said, "I'll have those two cute baby rabbits in the window please".

"No problem." she smiled, "Would you like anything else?"

"Yes, I replied, "I'll have one of the big things that they go inside".

"A hutch?", she asked.

"A snake"...

Pub news.

Yesterday was an absolute blast!!

A reunion of 80% of the "Gang of the 80's"

Picture Joke Tuesday.

This is NOT a jibe at the elderly, as I will be one soon-ish!

Joke Tuesday.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

Cheers, Malc Riley!!

Home news.

I've ordered a new chariot!

The summer one!

And the winter one!

Home news.

The technician at wheelchair services came out to service my chariot this morning. After nearly 14 years of hard labour the old girl failed the MOT, and was consigned to the scrapheap! The part of the back-rest that holds my life-blood arm support has snapped, and is beyond repair. So, a new chariot will be here A.S.A.P!

The old girl's lasted well!

Joke Tuesday.

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.

The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart... The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'

'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'

'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

Pub news.

My bloggie friend,Zed,came to visit today! We had a wonderful lunchtime natter about everything! The world is now corrected!

Zoe, thank-you for taking time out to visit, and I'm glad you enjoyed your lunch!

Here's to the next time!

Joke Tuesday.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Blog Friends!

I am excited!

My bloggy friend, Zed is coming to visit next week! Can't wait!

Joke extra!

AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN.

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES! PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH... PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!

Joke Tuesday.

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So, every morning I shout, 'Two sugars, fat arse!'

Pub news.

Look, I know it's too early for most, but the landlord has to think ahead! So, hear is this years Christmas menu.

Joke Tuesday.

Best Caddy Responses:

Number :10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .that would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . . . . An old favorite . . . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . .. .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"

Caddy: "There's a piece of s**t on the end of your club."

Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .

Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"

Joke Tuesday.

The Australian charm!

Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird. And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word.

So ya bum is on the big side, I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab.

So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care. So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there.

No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts. They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best.

I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it's very sexy you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you’re as good as I was ever gonna get.

No matter what you look like I'll always love ya dear.

Now shut up while the cricket's on And fetch another beer.

Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it . .

Joke Tuesday.

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Irish Railway Company.

-----------------------------------

Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.

Pub news.

The pub's newest canine addition is growing well!

Eddy at 4 months!

Joke Tuesday...on Wednesday! Ok, I forgot!

IRISH DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the skippin'

New blog.

An old friend of mine has just started a blog. He's a superb photographer of birds, moths and general fauna. It's well worth a look,just ignore the football bits!!

Football and Fauna

Pub news.

The beer festival started last night. Apparently the first band were brilliant, and, as the place was packed to the rafters they said it was the best attended gig they'd done!

Surprisingly, for a Saturday lunch the food trade was really good today,with 30 meals served.

Tonight there is a six-piece jazz band playing called Funk'd and I expect it will be packed again!

Pub news.

It's the second beer festival of the year! It starts on Friday at 5pm, and runs through until Sunday.

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: FW: Fw: Deaf Wife problem.

I have this same problem at home, Deaf Wife problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this!!)

'Dammit, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Joke Tuesday.

Ed Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was headed to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. She could see this from their bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

Quickly, he phoned the police who asked, "Are they in your house?"

He said, "No! But, some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy, right now. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay!"

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then, he phoned the police again. "Hello! I just called you a few seconds ago, because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them, because I just shot and killed them, both. The dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars, red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: Fwd: That will teach the Yanks‏.

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative, I say again, divert your course.

US Navy: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse - now f*** off!!

Joke Tuesday.

An elderly man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest./p>

The old man asked, "Do you think I should tell her that the war is over?"

Garden news.

Honey bee,I think.

It's a little butterfly, but I don't know what the name is.

A Tortoiseshell butterfly.

Joke Tuesday.

The Arrogance of Authority.

A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this f*****g badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? ...... Do you understand?"

The rancher then nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge! Show him your f*****g BADGE........ !"

Pub news.

It was fairly busy in the pub this lunchtime, which is unusual after a busy weekend. Sunday lunch was, as usual the busier of the two days. My own Sunday roast was gobbled down with the gusto it merits!!

Next month Paul stages the second beer festival of the year. Photos will follow. Things are lookin good!

Joke Tuesday.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Garden news.

Some photos for you.

Peacock butterfly.

Day Lily.

Crinnum flower.

Inside the Crinnum.

Joke Tuesday.

Little Firefighter.

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing..

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

General drivel.

We had a major storm this afternoon for about two hours. It went dark and there was thunder and lightning and monsoon type rain! Then this.

Pub news.

Eddy at 12 weeks being spoilt by the "beer monster"

Sorry he looks like an alien, but the flash came on!

Joke Tuesday.

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you cannot resist passing it on..........

Joke Tuesday.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

Joke Tuesday.

*Five Minute Management Course*Lesson 1An internal sales rep, a planner, and the boss are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.

‘Me first! Me first!' says the planner.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'
Poof! He's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'

Poof! She's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the boss, 'What do you want'?  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office straight after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

 

 

Lesson 2

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 3

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said;

'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 4A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
 
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 5A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.. A passing cat heard the
bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of this story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

Pub news.

We have a new addition to the pub's dog collection.

Meet Eddy. Nine weeks old!

Pub news.

My good mate, Paul popped in yesterday and decided he wanted a snack!

The pig ate the lot!! The famous Hollybush burger!

Burger, chicken breast, bacon, onion rings, cheese, sweetcorn and chips!

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: FW: Logic.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

Go figure, ladies!

Garden news.

The roses are good this year; no rain ruining them.

A lily that my auntie bought us last year as a pot plant. It's gone mad this year!

Joke Tuesday.

An Italian Mother.

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you ?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an e~mail:

Dear mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony.

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama.

Moral: Never lie to your mama.

Pub news.

As mentioned in yesterdays blog, our visitors arrived bang on time. The rest of the lads filed in later, and we had a brilliant 3 hours of booze, (apart from Kenny, who was driving), food and above all, laughter!

Everyone clicked right away, which made it all the better! They have vowed to return, which, I suppose,is a good sign!

Pub news.

Tomorrow, I/we have visitors to the pub! Facebook friends from Birmingham-ish, (you get the gist). Never met them before, so am really looking forward to meeting them. They are both mad, and bikers, and the usual crew are coming in, so, we should have a good laugh!

I think Kenny and Sarah will fit in just fine!

More later

Garden news.

The climbing rose in the front is good this year!

Joke Tuesday.

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Home news.

Dad in his element. In the garden, sun out with a whisky!

Joke Tuesday.

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm 35, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Go away and leave me alone.'

Next day, her father heard the same buzz and, upon entering the room, saw his daughter getting it on big time.

To his query the daughter said: 'Dad, I'm 35, unmarried, and this is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Go away.'

A couple of days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard the buzzing coming from the living room. In she went and saw hubby sitting on the couch, downing a beer, and staring at the TV - with the vibrator next to him on the couch.

The wife asked: 'What the %@!* are you doing?' He replied: 'Watching football with my son-in-law.'

Pub news.

After a quiet start to the week, the customers seem to have collaberated together, and came in en-masse. The place was really busy, which is good news of course! The frustrating aspect of this business, is, you don't know when they will come in!

Joke Tuesday.

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.

"Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little bastard Rabbit has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Joke Tuesday.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman"and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do yuppie
neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd
jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the pink paint and brushes and everything she would need were in
the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it, just because she's blonde?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her, along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the girl said. "And by the way, that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari"

Pub news.

A great laugh in the pub this lunchtime with four of my mates. Shame it was my turn to buy lunch!! Still, that now gives me four weeks gratis eating! What comes round.........

The pub has been doing well, and the improvement in the weather has bought families in(It's half term). Mercifully the warmth keeps the little bastards darlings in the beer garden, throwing up on the bouncy castle, and we get peace and quiet!

Joke Tuesday.

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged,

French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place ....

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

More general drivel.

Believe it or not, this is NOT by LS LOWRY, but is shit: bird shit to be precise. I took the pic on the glass of our side door.

General drivel.

Sundown from my back garden.

General drivel.

As you know, I love my motor bikes. This must explain things, as my Dad had bikes too!

Garden news.

Wisteria on a South facing wall.

Joke Tuesday.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband standing around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?", she asked. "Hunting Flies", he responded. "Oh. ! Killed any?", she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." he responded.

Thanks to my friend,KB

Pub news- Beer festival.

The Main attractions. All racked up and ready to flow!

The opening night was packed!

Pub news.

It' s time for the 5th annual Hollybush Beer and Cider Festival. It doesn't seem 12 months ago! I'll put some more photos on over the next couple of days, but for now, here's the menu. Click to enlarge.

General drivel.

It's the training that counts!

Home news.

Dad is EIGHTY FOUR tomorrow! I wanted to treat him to a meal at the pub, but, he's having none of it!
Aaahh well, at his age it's just another day! 

        HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!

Joke Tuesday.

By Pam Ayres of course..

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

Pub news.

Busy in the pub today. The usual crowd were in, supplimented by the usual Saturday lot, who were at a vintage car and bike rally at the pub around the the corner from where I live yesterday! I didn't know about it!!

My Sunday lunch was up to it's usual high standard, so I'm stuffed!

Garden news.

Spring has finally arrived with a sudden riot of colour!

The Cherry looks good, albeit a good 3 weeks late.

The Magnolia hasn't disappointed either. Again, a good 3 or 4 weeks late.

Joke Tuesday.

FW: Sausages

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

Pub news.

Just had a fantastic lunchtime laugh in the pub. My usual mates were in, but then I was surprised by an old mate and his wife, who I hadn't seen for 15 years! He said he hadn't seen me in my "wheels". Well, that's 13 years ago, so I reckon it's longer than that.

They said they'll be in next Saturday. Can't wait!

General drivel.

Couldn't resist it!