Joke Tuesday, double bill!

There once was a man who used to leave for work each morning, kissing his wife and saying, "Have a good day my rambling rose."

This went on for many months until one day he left for work and, as usual, kissed his wife saying, "Have a good day my rambling rose."

When he returned home that evening he found his wife in a furious temper. "My darling rambling rose, whatever is wrong? he asked.

"You called me a rambling rose," the irate wife replied.

"But I always call you a rambling rose," the perplexed man said.

"I know. But this morning I looked it up in a catalogue and it said, 'Rambling rose - alright up against a wall, but no good in a bed."

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Subject: Doctor Office etiquette

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."



"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.



The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."



The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.



The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"



"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.



The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"



"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.



The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

General drivel!

It's quite warm today, here, in sunny Leire. 27c,(81f) warm. It is humid too, and I sense a storm building. The media get really excited in the U.K. if the temperature tops 30c(86f), which it is forecast to do tomorrow. This is no milestone here. It does this every year on at least one day every summer!

We are being warned about how to survive this ' HEATWAVE ' in the press.

Drink plenty of fluids. Avoid coffee, tea and alcohol(yeh, right!), stay indoors with windows and curtains closed!

What planet are these people on? It's not even hot! 90+ is hot in this country!

Cheers!

Pub news.

There are two animals that reside in the pub,(more if you include the customers). Charlie the push-me-pull-you Pekingese, and Jasper the Tabby cat.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady loves Jasper and always cuddles him and tells him how lovely he is.(I get similar treatment)!

Pretend this is Jasper, as the only info I got was that he's a Tabby.

Di has been cuddling and talking silly to Jasper for the past two weeks. Jez was concerned. There was something different about Jasper that Di hadn't noticed.

Notice any difference between the two cats?

One of the locals came in and Di said,"Look at Jasper out there". The woman looked out of the window and remarked,"That's My cat,Stripey!"

Jez went out to check.

"Yep, that's Stripey!"

Di said,"I've been loving and cuddling that cat for two weeks!"

Jasper is still around and well, but was absent during the day whilst Di was fawning over the wrong cat!

Joke Tuesday.

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of
marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate,

painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25
years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list ofunmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his
hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.
Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as
though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'


Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I've got golf.

Pub news.

Jez and Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady have put some hanging baskets outside the pub to add a bit of colour. They look really lovely and obviously Di had a say in their positioning for maximum effect.

This explains, why, in the space off 10 minutes she had nearly knocked herself out on them twice!

A 'mind the hanging baskets' sign should be made. You know what health and safety issues they pose.

Especially if you happened to be called Di!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
After seeing Jez's pathetic efforts at hanging baskets I decided to put some outside my backdoor. You must admit they look absolutely fantastic don't they? It's amazing what you can do with a bunch of weeds isn't it?

Perhaps I should have moved the socks first? Or even washed them?

-Keith.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady has excelled herself this time!

Having lived with the female of the species for a year, I know that their morning habits are, get up, shower, dress, make-up, hair.

I didn't realise, however, that this could be used as hair spray!

Jez did NOT tell me this, semaphore was used!

Joke Tuesday.

10 Downing Street
London SW1

Dear People of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

This is true!

Pub news.

There must be a concerted attempt from Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady to provide me with blog material!

Today she went into Lutterworth(our nearst town) to do some banking. Now this may sound a relatively mundane task, easily accomplished, but this is our beloved soaker Di we're talking about!

The conundrum.

Or....

A 50-50 chance.

"I'd like to deposit this please." "I'm sorry madam, but you're in the wrong bank."

I love this place!

Private dig.

Apologies to everyone, but this video is for Steve, one of the regular Sunday Lunchtime Gang at the "Merrie Monk".
When I first saw it he came to mind immediately (I can't imagine why!).

When you watch the vid think "Everton" instead of "Liverpool".

Not that he is as bad as the character in the video, but he is such a keen supporter of Everton that he sometimes MISSES his drinking session at the Monk and stays at home to watch the matches, and then he gets a real "downer" when they lose.

Can you believe that? It would take more than a stupid football match to make me miss my Sunday at t'pub!

I think I'm in bother now!

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady has a natural gift for inadvertently supplying me with some superb copy for this blog! Today I had some information passed to me regarding Monday nights skittles match.

Di always puts on a buffet in the summer(hot food in the winter) for the two teams.

After much slaving away making sandwiches etc, it turned out that the fixture list read:

The Merrie Monk-v-Bye!

In other news, Jez won the poker on Tuesday night!

Di had her hair done today, it looks lovely, but it did before she had it done! It must be a female thing. As someone who is follically challenged, I don't really understand the reasoning about getting a perfectly good cut turned into a perfectly good cut for an exorbitant amount of money?!

I am sure I will be well informed by my lady readers!