Joke Tuesday.

There will be a strong Irish element to the next few jokes, as I have received a lot of Irish jokes!

This in no way indicative of my attitude towards Irish people, whom I really like(well, the ones I've met!) So apologies to Joules!

Righto.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,"I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean,almost?"

The Irishman said,"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped."

The priest said,"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50.00 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a minute and then started to leave.

The priest,who was watching,quickly ran over to him saying,"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the box!"

The Irishman replied,"Yeah,but I rubbed the £50.00 on the box,and according to you,it's the same as putting it in!"

Computer news!

I am a Muppet!

I bought a book the size of the O.E.D. to teach me how to use Adobe Photo(fucking)shop 6. It was the wrong book!(Photo shop 6 elements, this is the one before what I need!) I've just spent £15.00 buying the right book, will keep you informed.

Keith, not a word!

Pub news.

There seems to be a certain 'chemistry' developing between Di, our lovely landlady, and Trigger. Let me give you an example that occured today.

Trigger walks in and Di is behind the bar.

"Morning,gorgeous! Pedigree, please," he says.

"Morning, twat!" comes the reply.

"You're looking ravishing today", says Trigger.

"You're not", was the reply. "£2.60 please."

I think the chemistry may be somewhat acidic, but it is all done in good humour...........I think!

Any thoughts?

Garden news.

This, when it's warm, is my favourite time of the year. Today, I asked Dad to take these photos.

This is a mix of an Azalea, Dog-Tooth Violet, Primulas, Celandines,and the ever present, err, what's their name?

This is a Snake's Head Fritilliary.

The 'snow' on the grass is from the flowering cherry. I haven't taken any photos this year as the gales we had a few weeks ago knocked hundreds, possibly thousands of buds off!

Anyway, click on the pics and have a closer look. Oh, and for Mum2(PI), the Snake's Head Fritilliary is called: FRITILLIARIA MELEAGRIS.

Crap poster!

Right, you lot! You wanted a picture of my work of art , so here it is!

I told you it was crap, but I had to humiliate myself because of my total lack of Photoshop knowledge.

This is Charlie, the thing dog in the crap poster.

The LAST person to say it's crap gets a prize, well sort of!

Joke Tuesday.

Right, give me a rest on the poster thing! I've got a photo of it, and it's crap! The LAST person to tell me it's crap gets a prize, ish! Pic tomorrow.

Ok, the joke.

A husband, tired of his wife asking how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few minutes." "How long will this take? she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years,"he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked with your ASS, didn't it?

Pub News.

It was Di's birthday on Wednesday, so I thought I would make a poster for her.

"This is my chance to use Photoshop 6", I thought. Three hours later, after annoying my Dad with some pretty language, and getting absolutely nowhere, I went on to Amazon and bought a book on how to use the f*cking thing!

Yesterday, I used Word,and in half an hour a poster was created!???

Today my work of art went on display. She hit me! All because I said on the poster that I couldn't find anyone, apart from Charlie(her beloved dog), and Jez, her beloved better other half, to give her a birthday kiss! I even put a photo of Charlie on the poster for her. What sort of treatment is this?

Maybe it was I said that I would ask Trigger on Saturday at the bottom of the poster that did it!

He came in today an read the poster."Come here,darling, I'll show you what a kiss is." he trumpeted.

"You Twat, you come near me and I'll show you what a smack in the gob is!"

Comments on my treatment.

Poem Tuesday!

Now, that surprised you, didn't it? A poem!

One condition here. This poem, IN NO WAY REFERS TO ME!

Ok, here goes.

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring.

But now i've got a full time job to find the f*cking thing.

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave. For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.

Now, as old age approaches it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its head and watch me tie my shoes!

Pub News.

It seems from this lunchtimes banter that Zoe has a rival in the Twat department, as Di has found her own pet Twat!

Trigger to Di:"Hello, gorgeous, it's your favourite customer.

D:"Pedigree, you twat?"

T:"I love it when you get nasty."

D:"I'm not being nasty, this is polite!"

T:"What is it that attracts women to me?"

Me: "Fuck off, Trigger, Stephen Hawking hasn't worked that out yet!"

T:"Who?"

Me:"Never mind, it must be the Wild Stallion after-shave."

T:"What after-shave?"

Me:"Well you smell of horses!"

T:"You can bollocks as well!"

Much Laughing and snorting!

Joke Tuesday, double bill !

If you are religious,please forgive me. On second thoughts, DON'T!

A priest kept chickens at his village parish. One evening the cock went missing.

At mass the priest asked, "who has a cock?" All the men got up.

No, I meant who has seen a cock." All the women got up.

No,no,Who has seen a cock that isn't their's."

Half the women got up.

Oh, for goodness sake, who's seen my cock?!

All the choir boys stood up!

---

A nun gets on a bus that's empty except for the driver.

She says,'I'm going to die soon but I want to have sex before I do, but I must remain a virgin so it must be anal. I can't commit adultery, so the man must be single, can you fulfil my wish?"

He fulfils her wish.

Then, feeling guilty the driver says,"I'm sorry,I lied, I'm married with three kids."

'That's ok." Said the nun, 'I lied too, my name is Barry, and I'm going to a fancy dress party!'

Global warming ?

Ok, we are, according to some supposedly intelligent people, in the grip of global warming on a catastrophic scale.

Something tells me not all their tax gobbling beliefs are working very well!

This appears to confirm my suspicions that we are getting ceremoniously SHAFTED ! Tax opportunties abound, don't they?

By lunchtime all the snow had gone, but it remains very cold, and as I type this it is snowing again. Hoh, hum!

Global Taxing !

I was reading an article earlier this week about some nutcase who is trying to sail/canoe to the Canadian high arctic, why ?

Anyway, the trip had to be called off, as the ice was too thick!

So, global taxing warming is having a staggering effect! And the forecast for this weekend is for SNOW !

What shall we do? Well,I for one shall keep recycling, as I have always done, as landfill is a diminishing return. As for 'saving the planet'by using low-energy lightbulbs?!!

Tell China, India, Russia, and the USA, to do the same. I think not!

That is all. Nature will win.

Joke Tuesday, double bill !

DEFINITION OF BRAVERY

Coming home drunk, covered in lipstick, smelling of perfume then slapping the wife on the arse and saying,"You're next, fatty!"

---

"Doctor, would you please kiss me." Says the patient.

"No, you are a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics" replies the doctor.

"Please, just one kiss", she pleads.

"Sorry", says the doctor,"It's totally out of the question. In all honesty, I shouldn't even be making love to you!"