AAHH! Sunday lunch.

Good old Trigger. The following banter took place.

Obe-Wan. "When do you retire Trigger?"

Trigger. "Three years, but I'm not going to fully retire. I might become a male escort".

Voice from the back. "You've got more chance of becoming a Ford Escort".

Trigger. "Bollocks."

Charming.

Trigger. "Why do you lot go on about gardening all the time?"

Obe-Wan. "It's called a hobby , The Poacher talks about fishing, John talks about golf and motorbikes, The beer monster talks about everything........."

Sharon. "And you talk about crap!"

Trigger. (silence).

The bar. LAUGHTER!!

Funny # 2

Children writing about the sea!

1: This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, aged 6).

• 2: Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James aged 6).

1. 3: If you are surrounded by the sea you are an island. If you aren't you are incontinent. (Wayne aged 7).

• 4:Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie aged 6).

5:A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on top of its head. (Billy aged 8).

• 6:My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie aged 6).

7: When ships had sails, they used to use the wind to cross the oceans. Sometimes it was calm, and the sailors would whistle for the wind to come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William aged 8).

• 8: I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do they get pregnant? (Helen aged 7).

9: I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at Mum, and my big sister just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy aged 8).

• 10: Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can shock you. They live in caves where they plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher aged 7).

11: When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin aged 6).

12: Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky aged 8).

• 13: On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when going very fast. She says she wont do it again because the water shot up her fanny. (Julie aged 8).

Joke Tuesday.

Not so much jokes today, but funny. If the first one offends, I am sorry.

Trigger was in on Sunday, talking crap as usual. Blakey came in (not him from on the buses), but a mate of ours with a razor wit.

"Trigger, I was in the Co-op, shopping this morning when I saw a loaf of bread with your name on it".

"What did it say?" asks Trigger.


"Thick Cut"!!

Trigger liked that.

The second one is a bit long, so as not to bore you I'll post it later.

Conundrum

Ok, you lot, let's see your smarter side for once (ducks). As I type I do not know the answer.

A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his pocket. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent: I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money in your pocket that I can sing a song with a lady's name of your choice in it." The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughters name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller." The rich man goes home poor, the poor man goes home rich. What song did he sing?

Poorly blogger!

I have come down with the MOTHER of all snotty beaks. Not as bad as Dad has been, as my head isn't pounding. I am a walking wheeling lump of snot, a slug on wheels, so to speak. Do I feel sorry for myself? YES! I haven't had a cold for 20 years, and now I cop for a beauty.
What else is life going to throw at me? Not another f*cking tree, I hope!!

I shall survive. (there's a song there somewhere).

Ta, ta.

Trigger again!

Trigger was having trouble with his mobile phone. He couldn't get a signal (no surprise there then). One of the lads lent him his phone, with the required number already ringing.

"Hello", said Trigger.

"Look, shut up for a minute, I want some information".

"Will you shut the f*ck up?"

It was a voice message !!!!!!

The red faced Sharon.

Well, who'd have thought it, but Sharon got embarassed today. It went like this.

One of the locals: "Pedigree, please".
After pouring it and placing said pint in front of him.
"£2.45, please".
Can you top it up, please?

"I thought all you lot liked a good head".

Now, you can imagine the laughter, and in front of the new landlord!!

This tickled me.

I read a letter in the D.T. today regarding misspelt names. This was from a Mr. Heron. He made a phone call to give some information, and said his surname was "Heron, as in bird". The letter to him was addressed to Mr. HERON AZINBURD !

If any of you have experienced similar, why not share them here?

When I was in hospital I got some get-well cards from mates addressed to Mr. Ashtree, Mr. Deadwood, and Mr. Unlucky bastard ! You've got to laugh!

Joke Tuesday.

Scientists have discovered a food that stops any form of sex drive..............



Wedding cake !!!!!

Bloggers against disablism

I'm not convinced that "diablism" is a word, but Her Royal Bloggi-highness, Zoe suggested that I may want to place a post on how I coped with, then overcame my disability. So hear goes.

I'm afraid this wont be too serious, because that is half the secret, I found.

1: Get yourself a mindset that, OK, it's happened, life moves on. PRIORITY No. 1!!

2: Laugh, there's always someone worse off than you. Even able bodied people, (or the normals), as I call you lot.

3: Don't be afraid of morons staring at you, there will be plenty!

4: Get a computer so you can contact various mad, intelligent(some), witty, and LOVELY people in the blogosphere!

5: Chin up, you could be unlucky.......and not be here!

That is the secret of my success. Oh, and don't drive under big dead trees in high winds!!
If this helps anyone, it will have made my day. Good luck.