Pub news.(recurring themes)

Tuesday nights are poker nights in the Merrie Monk. It is a popular night, bettered only by the Sunday session. Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady behaved herself(ish) on Sunday and only swore at two people. (Round of applause).

Tuesday, however, was a different story. It's the red wine you see. She lost the first bottle, so had another. A third followed, then the first bottle surfaced and had to be drunk. It couldn't go to waste could it? Everybody copped it!

Wednesday lunchtime and Jez is doing bar duty. Di is in Lutterworth shopping and doing the banking and getting over her migraine hangover!

This is the second deja vu moment.

Or......

Does this sound familiar? "Hello,madam,can I help you?". "I'd like to deposit this please",says Di. "I'm sorry, madam, but you're in the wrong bank."

Cheers!

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: Funny one



For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One



night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin

his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she

would go to Italy to secretly have the child.



If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child

support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would

know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply

mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then

arrange for the child support payments to begin.



One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,

just give it to m
e and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed

and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.



On the card was written:



"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.



Three with meatballs, two without.



Send extra sauce

Pub news

Two people got stung in the pub today. Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady had an old glass on the bar that had been left outside from last night. Swimming in the dregs was a drunken wasp,(backstroke I think). She poured the contents of the glass into the sink, then put the glass into the glass-washer. Thinking the wasp had gone down the plug-hole she picked up the cloth from the sink and wrang it out. The wasp had crawled inside and it stung her in the palm of her hand!

We proffered genuine advice on how to ease the pain. Suggestions were variable, ranging from.................well, you tell me!

Oh, and the second person to get stung?

ME!

when I paid my tab!

Pub news.

Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady was in good form this lunchtime. The lads had brought some chilli dips in for the bar food.

Now, as you know, Di does a selection of goodies, the most popular with the lads being the chipolata sausages that they dip into the chilli concoctions.

However, occasionally she gets tricked into eating something that elicits some unfortunate (not for me) statements.

Di dips sausage into green chilli dip. Sausage enters mouth. "Mmmn, that's nice",she says. "God! You can feel it when it touches the back of your throat!" Instant hilarity at the bar!

"What's up with you?", she snaps at me. "Nothing", I say. 'WHACK' "What was that for?", asks one of my mates. "Well, I haven't given him one all week!", she replies. Much splurting of beer follows!

Bless her!

Joke Tuesday.

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an
article which appeared in /The Dublin Times/ about a bank
robbery on March 2. *

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts
at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes
filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds
of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside
they found only a *small* bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber
said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained
nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all
safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce
of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little
bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving
with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read: *
**
'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....**

Many thanks to Karen for this one!

Pub/personal news!

You may remember a posting I made some time ago regarding a certain T-shirt that a certain mad Aussie and her equally mad English husband were going to send me.

The deal was, that I had to blog a photo of me wearing the aforementioned T-shirt whilst in the pub. Me and Charlie!

This is unusual for a Friday as the grumpy old git Keith doesn't usually come in until Sunday. This is ,from L/R Nipper, Keith and yours truly!

This is Charlie's handiwork, promoting the pub and my website.

Thanks to my mate Charlie for taking the photos.

Special thanks go to Wendy and Stuey in OZ for the shirt. Ordered from OZ, made in Honduras, sent from Kentucky, USA, worn in Leire, England! Things don't get more global than that!

Joke Tuesday.

Bloody fantastic. A firm with a sense of humour, at last.




A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.







A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:




Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.







The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:







Dear Sir,



Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.







The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:







Dear Sir,



Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.



We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Pub news.

I have been out-witted by Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady!

If you read Saturdays' post you will know about Di's challenge not to call anyone a tw*t or a w*nker last night during the poker game.

She succeeded! But only through downright chicanery! The extent that that soaker woman will go to so she can carry on drinking wine knows no bounds!

She asked someone else to do it for her! Not ONCE,but TWICE!

She still got pissed though!

Joke Tuesday.

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He

thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths
when you're calling for a cab."


He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl
calling herself 'Erogonique', a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room
he figures, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it
now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got
in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that
sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
line."

With thanks to a Mr. Robert Horak!

Pub news.

As you all know, Sunday night in the 'Merrie Monk' is poker night. Di, our ever so lovely soaker landlady is very competitive. You aren't supposed to take all her chips off her, thus knocking her off out!

She says she takes being beaten in good wine spirit, and doesn't swear at people.(Which is crap)!Therefore, the players have said that, if, this Sunday, she calls whoever knocks her out a tw*t, or a w*nker, she goes without wine for a week!

Personally, I think she's no chance! The only way she can achieve this is to win the game!

What say you? Odds anyone?