Trigger is on holiday for two weeks, which means sporadic entertainment. Today was a good ,if, brief example!
The conversation was going quite well, until Trigger said,"It's only an act I put on, pretending to be a twat."
Baz, the carpenter said,"I'll tell you what ,Trigger, It's a f*cking good act!!"
DO YOU FART IN BED?
Do not read this whilst eating!
This could create arguements across the world.
This is a story about a couple who had been married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop farting as it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it, and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, as one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and the farting continued. Then, one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard,liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came ito her mind.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the covers, she then pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into them.
Sometime later she heard him wake up with the usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears rolling down her face! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the problem was. He said,"Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I haven't listened to you."
What do you mean?" Asked the wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened."
But, by the grace of God, some vaseline and two fingers, I think I got them back in!!
Happy teatime!
Dad has been practicing with the camera.
The bluey green hosta is called "June"(no sarcastic comments please).
The red flower is Crocosmia "lucifer"
Dads favourite place on a summers day
Hemerocallis, a day lily, 24hours in flower then it dies.
Hope you enjoyed Dads' attempt at photography!
Good if you click on a picture.
This lunchtime I walked into the “Merrie Monk” with my cute little pup, Max. Di immediately took him from me saying “Oh you little daring, let me hold you and give you a bit of love”.
Trigger was sitting on a barstool next to her and said “I didn’t know you cared so much, I’m all yours when you’re ready!” To which Di retorted “Not you, you twat, I was talking to the pup!” Then she proceeded to give him a bloody good well-deserved thumping.
At this point I shouted to her as she walked away, (with my pup) “Hey! You hit my friend again and see what happens!”. Trigger looked at me with relief. At last someone was standing up to Di on his behalf.
Di stopped, turned, and came back and gave him another thumping, then she looked at me. “See!” I said “That’s what happens!” Trigger said something that sounded like “You bastard!” to me, but I wasn’t quite sure.
Ending on a rather sad note, I think Max ate the toad, because he complained of stomach ache on the way home.
It's been a strange day. Dad went up to Wigan (NW England) for my youngest cousins wedding. I didn't go for personal reasons that she understands. A good family friend took me to the pub. The Poacher and Bush came in, Trigger arrived later.
Di, our gorgeous landlady told me to mind where my wheels went as there was a baby toad under the seat near where I sit.
I said to her that she ought to get the baby toad and put it outside otherwise it would die to death.
"I tried to tempt it out with a lettuce leaf,but it didn't seem interested".
So, we have vegetarian toads now!!
Sharon, the ever so nice barmaid was on good form, as usual. She is, by her own admission, a buxom lass and Bush was being his usual ebullient self.
"You three are looking very nice today." he said.
"F*ck off Bush!" came the reply. Trigger giggled....."And you".
I love this pub!!
I heard an item on BBC radio5 live the other day about what sounds really annoy you. There were recordings of people throwing up, sirens, babies screaming, mobile phones, etc............My personal hate is screaming kids in pubs!
What's yours?
A young man called Keith wanted to buy his new girlfriend a Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long he decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too intimate, but yet thoughtful and considerate.
He went with his girlfriend's sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves. Whilst in the ladies department the sister bought a pair of knickers at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items. The sister took away the gloves, and Keith got the knickers.
Without checking Keith sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend to arrive on her birthday. He wrote in the accompanying card the following:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove. I appreciate that these are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all! I even had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny. In fact she hasn't needed to clean it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I get the chance.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love, Keith. xx
P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing!
I just had to share this beauty with you!
Headline in todays DAILY TELEGRAPH.
Ministers may allow 'lunatics' to become MPs
Elizabethan laws define idiots as "incapable of gaining reason" and lunatics as capable of only periods of lucidity. What, in Parliament has changed?
Your thoughts!?
This is brilliant! We had a great time this lunchtime.
Keith came in with Max so he could be introduced to Nikkis' dog, Monty. At first, Monty, weighing in at 4 months old, was a bit grumbly towards Max, weighing in at 7 weeks old, so we decided to have a dog-fight on the table! I had a tenner on the big fella.
The victor fell asleep after his exersions on the lap of another victor(meldrew)!
The vanquished has a well earned pint!!
All friends again. Even Di got in on the act!
Keith, Di and Charlie with the fighters.
Back to normal after yesterdays garden stuff. Btw, Keith came in with his new puppy. A Lakeland Terrier called Max. He's a little beauty!
Right, joke time.
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hope that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it (and the joke)!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overtly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.(As men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything you want, no matter how kinky, for £20.00....on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,"You have to tell me what you want in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20.00 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and said:PAINT MY HOUSE!
My 'sister' came over this morning for a chat. As she was about to leave I asked her to take some photos with my new camera. Here are the results.
The Berberus behind the pond.
Dad, doing what he loves the most!
This is Dad's relaxation/sleeping seat if we get a summer!
Dad, at home in the garden!
Our house from the front garden.
The front garden taken from the house over the rose-beds.
Tubs planted out to add some colour.
And no Keith, you can't eat it, but it looks nice!!
Click on the pics to see the best view.
There is something wrong with the majority of the locals in the Merrie Monk. Sunday lunchtime is when Di our beloved landlady brings out the free grub food on the bar. The chilli sauce supplied by GG was bought out again. The locals seem to like the chipolata sausages that always appear. They dip them in the sauce. This sauce is frighteningly hot and we caught a few more unsuspecting victims today. Not much left in the jar now! Still, it gives us a laugh!
This is a picture of a priest made by the Poachers Dad. For the non-fishermen/women out there it is used to crack trout or salmon on the head so as to administer 'the last rights', hence the name.
Di asked what it was for, and immediately threatened me with it if any trouble followed (as if!). She thought it was very nice, until Roger told her that this was the manual model and that the battery ones were a bit dearer!
Di's face colour matched her lipstick!
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said," I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and i'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked,"Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber, so THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said,"Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she is fond of young boys. She will get the disease I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her and catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will come to deliver the milk,have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease..........and HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!
Oh, did we I have a laugh today!! This pepper sauce that GG
sent me is dynamite!
Comments are as follows. Small cocktail sausages were used in this scientific experiment.
The barman,"That's nice..........Bastard!
Charlie(not the dog) "That is warm, nice but warm.....no,make that HOT!
The Bush,"It's fucking hot, but after the first few tries the taste buds are shot!"
The Barman's girlfriend ,"Oh,my!"
Di,"Fucking hell! Oh,I didn't say that,(cough,splutter),I took too much in."
"You always say that,Di!", I said, quietly, to no avail."Shut your(cough) face(cough), or I'll (cough) wheel you down the (cough) road."
Good stuff, this pepper sauce. And btw GG, the jar is almost half empty!
12 MONTHS TODAY, CIGARETTE FREE!!
I am chuffed, to say the least. Hypnotism does work for some people.
I think I'll have a fag to celebrate!!
My friend The Poacher came in today just 4 weeks after receiving a new hip! How good is that? It's amazing how quickly they throw you out of hospital these days. He was home after 4 days!
Other news. Food is now being served!
Meet the MERRIE MONK MEGA FRY-UP This isn't the exact version, but you get the idea. Also on the menu are various filled rolls and assorted salads for those of a healthy disposition. I know what i'd go for! Chikken tikka massala and Shepherds pie (home-made by Di) finish off the menu.
I wish them luck with the food.
Some things will never change. Trigger came in.
"Hello georgeous".
"Hello, Twat", said Di.
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting on the 1st tee one morning for a particularly slow group in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those wankers? We've been waiting for ages!"
The Indian doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but i've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinese businessman called out, "Move it, time is money!"
The Catholic Priest said,"What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George, the greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind ex-firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime they want."
The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Indian doctor said,"Good idea. I'm going to contact my phthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them tonight."
The Chinese businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the firefighters in honour of these brave souls."
The Aussie said," Bugger that........... why not make the bastards play at night?"
