2013

Happy New Year!!

General drivel.

My computer guru phoned earlier. He's just recieved my new 'puter. It will replace the 7 year old slug I currently use. He's putting on various apps from my external hard drive, and he says it's flying.

Can't wait!

Joke Tuesday.

The importance of having an occupation after retirement.

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

 

To all my friends in the blogosphere!

 

The joke will be posted tomorrow as usual.

 

 

Have a lovely time and don't get too drunk!

Christmas.

Are my father and I the only people who hate Christmas? It's the inconvenience for one thing. When you're disabled, you have to have a routine in your life, but all that goes out of the window.

Another thing is the pub is packed with people who only use it once a year, and, when they leave they leave the bloody door open! The television is showing more crap than usual (my DVD's are going to get well used!)

In the meantime, you all enjoy yourselves, and don't get too drunk!

Roll on Jan 2nd, normality resumes.

Happy Christmas!

Just ...because.

Joke Tuesday.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening and don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

Christmas fun.

I Have e-mailed this to a few friends, but it is too good not to share!

Sit down and raise your right leg and make clockwise rotations with your foot. At the same time raise your right hand and draw the number 6. Your foot will change direction.

Try it on friends over Christmas.

Pub news.

And still the Christmas parties continue. Three lots in today, about 30 meals.

In other news, it was -6c here this morning, and as I type it's -3c. Tonight, however the temperature is expected to rise with torrential rain forecast for tomorrow!

I'm going to get wet!

Joke Tuesday.

A seasonal offering!

Pub news.

DISASTER! There are 156 booked in on Sunday for Christmas lunch, between 12 and 3pm. This means I am stuck with bloody Turkey (not keen), roast spuds(like), sprouts(I can live with), honey-roast parsnips(yuk), and stuffing(ish).

Roll on the New Year! Bah Humbug!

General drivel.

Has anyone else noticed that not many bloggers are posting of late? Could it be the popularity of Facebook, or just lack of interest?

Joke Tuesday.

There was an elderly couple that went to a burger restaurant. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fries, one large drink, and an extra large soda.

When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered.

The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years.

The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing.

He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating. She said, "Well, it's his turn to use the teeth."

Pub news.

Now it's December the festive silly season has already started. The pub is really busy on the food side all this month, which is obviously good news! I had my usual Sunday roast this afternoon, which was delicious! I am now stuffed!

The pub only opens on Christmas Day for a couple of hours, 12 'til 2. I don't bother as I go to my "sisters" for the day, and besides the pub is packed with people who only use it once a year, showing off their new Christmas sweaters! New Years Day is Paul's day with his family, so he stays shut all day....his time.

Joke Tuesday.

Tom had been in Police for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.' 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.' 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.' 'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

Isla-Rose.

Welcome to the world, Isla-Rose Hilton! xxx

General drivel.

My youngest cousin gave birth to her second daughter today! Congratulations to Lorna-Jane and husband Glen, proud parents of Isla. I'm sure elder sister Faye will be excited!

I bought this bracelet today for Faye. It was hand made by the chef (Kerry) in the pub.

Joke Tuesday.

A old farm hand named Billy was overseeing his charges on a remote moorland farm when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at the peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in London." says the old timer. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep

. Now give me back my dog."

General drivel.

I've just been going through my old posts looking for a picture.(I didn't find it). It hadn't occured to me how long I've known you all. SEVEN YEARS!!! It's been , and will continue to be , a pleasure!

Joke Tuesday.

Discreet Irishman.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks: Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.

Tell him to drop dead, says Murphy's wife. I'll go and tell him, says Gallagher.

Pub news.

I've just been given the list of beers being sold in the pub over the festive period.

They all come from BabyBottles

First will be the brewery, second the name, then the strength.

Oakham, Tinsel Time, 4.2% (Only available from BB.)

Salopian, Deck the Halls, 4.5%.

Naylors, Santa Express, 5.0%.

Naylors, Mistletoe 5.0%.

.

Oakham, Frozen Stiff, 4.8%.

Wadworth, Christmas Corker, 4.1%.

Saltaire, Winter Ale, 4.9%.

Hop Back, Red Ember, 4.6%.

Hop Back, Pickled Santa, 6.0%.

Wychwood, Bah Humbug, 4.8%.

Phoenix, Christmas Kiss, 4.5%.

Garden news.

We've had a new visitor to the garden.

A Nuthatch!

We also had a Jay pop in but it flew off before I could get my camera!

This brings the total number of different birds actually in the garden over the last forty years to fifty seven.

Joke Tuesday.

You are driving down the road in a 2 seater car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.?

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Wow, I just love happy endings!

Garden news.

BADGERS! We have Badgers! The bastards are digging up my lawn, digging holes in the flower beds and crapping in them.

To whom do I apply for a license to cull them? I don't want my beautiful garden destroyed, after Dads hard work!

One of my mates has a rather large calibre rifle with silencer. He's only a phone call away!!

Joke Tuesday.

This was submitted by a primary school girl for an assignment.

After it was marked and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis, I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at B&Q and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This picture is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington.

Pub news.

Right. Let's get this straight. It's the 26th of October. Why are 25 people booked in this evening for Christmas dinner? Are these people turkey addicts?

Oh, by the way, thank-you for your comments on my 1000th post yesterday. This rubbish will continue!

A milestone!

This, believe it or not is my 1000th post on this blog!

I never thought that what started out as an experimental exercise on my part would have become such a part of my life. It all started from my time drinking in the Merry Monk and the assorted characters that frequented the pub. Alas, the pub is no more, so, I am back to an old haunt of mine: the Hollybush.

Although there are not the number of nutters characters in this place, there are a few!

Thank-you all for reading this rubbish and giving me something to do!

Joke Tuesday.

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Meet Coldwater !

Joke Tuesday.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

Pub news.

Yesterday lunchtime, as I walked in I noticed that every table had a reserved sign on it. (Not mine, of course. We sit in the PLEB bar area!) Anyway, when I arrived there were cars all along the road outside the pub. I enquired as to what was happening, and apparently there was a christening at the church down the road.

At 12.30 twenty or-so people from the christening came in for lunch. They hadn't booked! Muppets!

Pub news.

A short precis about lunchtime in the pub so far this week.

Sunday- packed.

Monday- packed.

Tuesday packed.

Wednesday- packed.

Today- packed.

Most evenings apart from last night have been good too!

Oh, I forgot! There are thirty booked in tonight!

Joke Tuesday.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made £30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made £45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "£2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh*t!" Then I would say, "It is dog sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty that they say is good, And then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

General drivel.

We are, thanks to our super-efficient council getting a new wheelie bin. Another one!

We currently have a green bin for garden waste, a small blue bin for newspapers, another small bin for cans and bottles and a food waste bin. Oh, I forgot the black bin for stuff that doesn't go into the other three!

The blurb reads: "A new wheeled bin (BLUE LID) for paper, glass, tins, cardboard, plastics, juice cartons and aerosols. Existing GREEN wheeled bin for garden waste. Existing BLACK wheeled bin for non-recyclable waste. No recycling or food waste boxes will no longer be needed.

Right. What are we supposed to do with any food waste, and what is non-recyclable waste?

Joke Tuesday.

If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was..')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

I don't usually post religious stuff, but this made me smile!

Pub news.

The pub was rammed again yesterday. As I left at 3pm I couldn't get to the bar to pay, so todays bill was rather large! Sunday lunch was worth it though!

Joke Tuesday.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his girlfriend takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Pub news.

Yesterday lunch was packed. Food is served from 12 'til 8. They serve Lamb, Beef and Chicken. By 3-30 they had run out of Sunday roasts and had to sell the usual menu!

This wasn't a lack of planning, just an unexpected volume of walk-ins.

Luckily, I put my order in when I walked in!

Birdy pics plus.....

Popular feeders.

Great Tit and Goldfinch chick.

Lovely sunset.

Joke Tuesday.

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female!!!!

Dogs #3 part 2.

Ben was fairly easy to train, although it was made harder as Dad had just taken early retirement and I was working. Dad was a bit soft on him, but I knew male Labs needed a firm hand, so I spent all my free time out with him. It soon paid dividends and by one year old he was off the lead all the time with me.

At 18 months a friend of mine said he would like Ben to mate with his bitch, also a black Lab. Fast-track a few months and Ben became the father to ELEVEN pups! I was offered £200 plus the pick of the litter. We settled on £500 and he could sell them all.

Ben was fiercely loyal to me. Any male dog would not be tolerated. (I think this was due to him being attacked as a pup.) There was one dog however that Ben worshipped. I used to walk them both as my friends Dad was getting a bit frail. It used to be quite amusing walking down the disused railway line with Bill and Ben!! Sadly Bill was put down a few years later, but Ben would always rush up to his gate and wait for him not to arrive.

As you may know I suffered a bad accident in 2000, breaking lots of important things and spending 6 months in hospital. Mum and Dad used to visit every other day, as I was up in Sheffield. After 4 months I was finally allowed out of bed, albeit in a body brace. Mum and Dad arrived to find me in my new wheelchair. They took me outside into the car park to inspect the new car, a Ford Focus estate. Dad opened the back, and there was Ben! We hadn't seen each other for 4 months. He went ballistic, I cried my eyes out!

In 2005 Ben was diagnosed with cancer and put to sleep.I cried my eyes out.

He was the best friend I ever had!

Dogs #3.

Nineteen eighty-nine.

It is eighteen months since we lost Cindy and we have decided to get another dog. I have just taken the keys of my first company car, when Dad says he's found some Black Labrador puppies for sale. The are at a house on a sprawling council estate in the bowels of Leicester.(I'm not being nasty, but you haven't seen this place!)

We arrived in my new car and were led into the back garden to be met by a filthy pit of a place with three puppies. Two were running around playfully. The third one just sat there looking at me saying, "Get me out of here". "We'll have him", I said.

And so it was that Ben became one of the family.

After previous experiences with 9 week old puppies in cars we had taken a large plastic box and some old towels with us. Ben didn't disappoint! When we got him home and cleaned him up I let him into the garden. It was getting dusk and although I knew he couldn't get out I stood watching him. He, being black was quite hard to see and I briefly lost sight of him. Then the 'plop', oh, no, the damn pond! After pulling out a very bedraggled puppy, I thought it best that that was enough for the day.

More tomorrow.

Dogs #2.

We have just completed the move from Manchester to leafy Leire, a small village in South Leicestershire. It is 1973, I am 11. My best mate from school has come down with us for a week to help me settle in. We have fun, visiting Twycross zoo is one of the trips my parents took us on. My Dad said I had a fixation with the vultures!

After my friend went home my parents decided we should go and explore our new surroundings. We ended up on a day out to Stow-on-the-Wold, a beautiful town in the Cotswolds. On the way back my Mum saw a sign in a farm entrance. 'Golden Labrador puppies for sale'. The rest is history.

Two weeks later we made the trip back to Shipston-upon-Stour to pick 'Cindy' up. A 10 week old bundle of trouble. She was a real character from the outset, into everything, including her wicker bed, which she eventually ate! Fortunately that was the only thing she destroyed.

She took on her training very well, and would walk to heel from an early age. Her best friend was a huge German Shepherd called Jasper, whose owner used to join my Mum on morning walks down the disused railway line.(I was at school.)

Holidays! 1976, North Wales, at my Grandparents house. The heatwave year.

We were on the beach at Deganwy estuary. Cindy was in the water waiting for me to chuck stones in for her. She would duck her head under the water and somehow arrive at my feet with the same stone I'd thrown in!

She was a loyal friend. We put her down, aged 15 after her back legs gave in.

Dogs.

My friend Zed wrote a similar missive a few weeks ago and it prompted me to share my doggie tales.

As a five year old in the mid sixties, we lived in a suburb of Manchester. Our 'road' was a cinder track cul-de-sac.(It still is). We had a 3-bed semi with a secure garden at the back.

I asked if I could have a dog to replace the deceased rabbit, budgie and assorted frogs, newts and other animals i'd acquired.

Into our lives came Scamper, a Corgi/Crocodile cross. The first few months were good fun, but, as time went on his behaviour changed. He kept on tunnelling out, chasing postmen, cars, bikes and digging up the neighbours roses. At one stage Dad couldn't even put his food bowl down to feed him without him growling and snapping.

One morning Scamper wasn't around. Dad said he'd escaped and not come back. It wasn't until 1973 when we moved here that I was told that Dad had taken him to the vet, and that the vet said that Scamper was mental and recommend that Dad have him destroyed.

It probably saved me a lot of scars as he was a nasty b*stard!

Pub news.

A friend of mine was in the pub today with his parents. He has M.S. and is struggling more each month. Today he was in a wheelchair, and once settled onto a pub seat the wheelchair was folded up and put out of the way.

My mate 'Waterboard Mick' came in, and as we were sat chatting he noticed my friends wheelchair in the adjoining room. "Is that your chair in there", he asked. "I'm sat in mine you prat", I replied. "Oh, yes, so I see".

Mr.Observant!!

Blog.

Why doesn't anyone comment anymore?

Joke Tuesday.

A priest was invited to attend a house party.

Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, He asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months"

Thanks to my dear friend Mickle in New Zealand.

Garden news.

Acanthus.

Bullfinch chick(right) and Sparrows.

This years Sparrow broods have been really successful. This is about two-thirds of them.

Joke Tuesday.

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Pub news and other stuff.

The pub was packed again today. A party of walkers had pre-booked, plus the usual walk ins.

The 'Chairman' said he might do some "on-line" shopping this afternoon. (I'll leave that to your own imagination, but bear in mind he will be in his back garden!)

In other news, I had a lovely phone call from a bloggie friend of mine zoe. We chatted away for about twenty minutes and hopefully at some point may be able to meet. Thank you for calling, Zoe, I enjoyed our chat!

Pub news and general drivel.

It was fairly busy in the pub today. We had a good laugh with 'The Chairman', he's mad! I can't divulge any of the conversation or I'll get sued!

In other news, I was hoping to settle down in the rocking chair in the conservatory, listen to some Pink Floyd and have a snooze. But guess what. It's hosing it down and I can't here a bloody thing! HO HUM!

Joke Tuesday.

I didn't know that.

Subject: How the Olympics Got Its Name.

A slave call girl from Sardinia, named Gedophamee, was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter be fore and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her, and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia, that morphed into "Olympics".

Home news.

Dad picked me up from the pub this afternoon. He was looking down.

"Are you ok?", I asked. "I've had a disaster" he said. "Mum's wedding ring fell off my finger and went under the washing machine, but I can't get it".(He's worn her ring on his little finger since she died twelve years ago. It's his last link to her.)

I rang a mate of mine and he came over and after much scrabbling around under the machine Dad was re-united with the ring. The joy on his face was obvious. My mate wouldn't accept any payment.

He'll have a good few pints behind the bar tomorrow!

Joke Tuesday.

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obsene activities.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Joke Tuesday.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

Garden news.

Some new photos for you.

Crinnum close-up.

Crinnum

Daises, self seeded.

Yucca. This spike is 6feet tall.

General drivel.

Feel for this poor little bugger!

Don't go near Porcupines!

Pub news.

The beer festival menu.

The fun starts on Friday!

Joke Tuesday.

Pub news.

Sunday lunch was packed! I almost didn't get my roast as they were close to running out by 2pm! The second shift started at 3-30, and after they had finished 128 roasts had been served!

My roast chicken was lovely!

Home news.

Dad is loads better! There is only a slight ache in his left arm and shoulder, otherwise he is pain free!

Pub news.

The Chairman has a really impressive black eye. He runs his own engineering company and was on one of his lathes when a 10" bar of metal flew out and hit him near his eye socket. He was lucky not to lose his eye!

He is now known as "ROCKY"!

In other news, the pub is still busy, and the second beer and cider festival starts next week. I'll publish the list of beers soon.

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: Meteorology - Australian Style.

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

Home news.

Dad is on his fourth day of his new treatment and it seems to be working. The pain he has been in is slowly easing!

Sunset.

I took this from my back garden.

Joke Wednesday.

That's it folks!

Home news.

Dad has a doctors appointment at 5-20pm. Hopefully he will be prescribed the medication he needs to get rid of the acute pain he is suffering!

More soon.

Home news.

Dad has been diagnosed with Polymyalgia. It is easily treatable with steroids and the treatment should start on Friday.

It is such a relief to know what the problem is and that it can be controlled, and that my Dad will be pain free!

Joke Tuesday.

REMEMBER THESE?

Where have they gone?

They bring back fond memories. More next week.

Home news.

The doctor has changed Dads beta blockers, as being off the old ones has made things worse. The doctor said he didn't want to risk putting him in hospital again.

The new beta blockers don't cause the pain Dad is suffering. Why put an 83year old on them in the first place? That was the hospitals choosing.

I'll keep you informed.

Home news.

Dad has been taken off the beta blockers until Friday, when the doctor will assess him again. Fingers crossed!

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: FW: The case for the penis.

Grievance raised by penis.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labour. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything I do. 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment. 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Response by management.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight. 2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period. 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations. 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. 8. You will slow down before you are 65. 9. You find it difficult to work double shifts. 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. 11. And, if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management.

Home news.

My Dad is still suffering the side-effects of the beta blockers he's taking. He is in constant, serious pain! Today has probably been the worst yet. He has an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday, so hopefully something will be done to alleviate the problem.....otherwise there will be trouble!!

Joke Tuesday.

Air Show Disaster.

Amazing photos show great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the Air Show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

Probably scared the shit out of them!

Pub news.

Business has been pretty steady, certainly during the lunchtime, when I am in. The evening trade was bolstered by the football being shown,(until England got knocked out that is!!)

Saturday lunch was steady. It is usually quiet, as Saturday seems to be shopping/gardening day. Sunday, however was packed until 3-30pm, then from 4-30 it went mad again!

Today was fairly good too. Things look good!

Family stuff.

It's a funny old world.

My Father collapsed a few months ago. I got him into hospital after an arguement. He was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat and prescribed beta blockers.

These are slowly draining him. The side effects are horrendous. The pain he is going through is upsetting me, yet the doctor said, "They do knock you about a bit!" I'm going in with dad on Tuesday to get these pills changed.

Doctors are supposed to alleviate pain, not increase it!

Joke Tuesday.

Subject: FW: Old Dogs.

An old German Shepherd dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Pub news.

As a follow-up to Saturdays post, the lunchtime(post 3pm) was packed in the pub, and the weather held up for the sixty barbecuing outside.

Later in the evening the England v Italy match kicked off. The place was packed, and as the game went down to penalties the outcome was inevitable....we lost!!

Still, a good day for the customers and a good day for the pub!

Pub news.

It was Paul the landlord's birthday yesterday. On Thursday night, five of them went into Leicester for a piss-up and a Chinese. Needless to say, it was mission accomplished! This lunchtime was fairly quiet, but there are twenty booked in already for tonight.

Tomorrow, however, because England are playing in Euro 2012, lunchtime is fully booked, and there is a party of sixty booked in for a BBQ in the afternoon!

The pub will be packed to watch the match in the evening, so Paul will be a busy man. Good luck!

Garden news.

I've taken advantage of the unusually good weather to take some pics.

Mr SquirrelTree Rat, your days are numbered and you will soon be in my oven! This is a bird feeder.

A male Goldfinch on the Nyjer seeds.

I got a good shot of his self-seeded Poppy

One of the first roses.

Joke Tuesday.

THE PERFECT HUSBAND.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi sweetheart, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£45,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £780,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £700,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Pub news.

It was Fathers day today. my 'Sister' bought a card over for her 'Dad two'. I didn't get him a card, as we haven't done fo 30 years! I had my usual Sunday roast from the pub, it saves him cooking!

The pub was packed!

Joke Tuesday.

A teacher's story about Stuttering.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand.'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

General Drivel.

There is a vicious rumour going round that it's summer. This was spotted today, but is forecast to vanish tomorrow.

It is due to be replaced by crap weather! FLAMING JUNE!

I really am sick of this "global warming" scam. It's costing us a fortune!!!

Yesterday afternoon we had the Mother of all storms. Thunder,lightning, monsoon type rain, hail and high wind.

I love a good storm. It usually freshens the air, but, as the air is already fresh instead of warm, it didn't!

Summer, please arrive soon!

Pub news.

Things are back to normal after the Queen's Diamond Jubilee weekend, which, apart from the atrocious weather for the pageant went very well. The pub was busy, with a treasure hunt around the village,after which most ended up in the pub once the kids had eaten their hot-dogs in the village hall.

There were 20 question, some cryptic, some normal. The contestants were taken all around the village, up every road following the questions. The last question was the best. It asked: "How many drain covers are there in the village". So, if you hadn't read the questions before you set off you had to walk the whole route again!!

Joke Tuesday.

A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum but being a good lad he does the right thing and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son and says seriously: 'Well son, that's an easy one, all household appliances come in white.'

I'm off!

Joke Tuesday.

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 and Girlfriend 1.2 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no help files, and it leaves me to try and guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and HairStyle Expess which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches its self to Saab 93, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all your money before uninstalling itself.

Garden news.

I've been snapping again.

Cornflower.

Lily.

Rhoderdenderon.

Rhoderdenderon.

Garden news.

Now, at last we have some warm, sunny weather, I've been out snapping.

The Azalea is in full bloom. Just to give you some perspective, It is 8 feet wide and 6 feet high!

A close-up of the Azalea.

This is a Dunwich Rose. A lovely, but very thorny bush.

A male Bullfinch in full summer plumage.

This Blackbird is about 2 feet from me. He gets given currants to feed his brood several times a day and follows Dad everywhere!