Pub news.

A PLAY, IN A PUB, OVER A LUNCHTIME!

ACT 1

When I arrived the Poacher and the Bush are already there. They have been fly-fishing for trout, but after catching a couple each, the wind got too strong. And the pub opened!

"Di", said Bush,"Why are you warming your arse in front of the fire? It isn't lit!"

"Jez has this long thing, but I can't find it", she protests."Pardon?!" came the reply."A long thing to light the fire."

"Right." said Bush. The Poacher lit the fire,and all was well. Then Di, once we had all been served, sat in front of the fire, thus blocking the heat emanating from said fire.

ACT 2

"Di", asks Bush. "If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?"

"Forty-five next month, why?" She said. "I'd never have said that age", said Bush. "How old do you think?" said Di. "A well worn thirty-eight", said Bush, ducking!

ACT 3

Di hadn't sussed it, but we had staggered our drinking so that when she had filled someones glass, then parked herself in front of the fire someone else wanted another pint. "Bloody hell! I've just served you lot!"

"Not me ,Di, that was Don." I said. Besides, I'll settle up with you now."

THE END.

Pub news, and Garden surprises.

PUB NEWS.

I must have been reasonably well behaved today, as I didn't get slapped by Di. I must be slacking, and will have to try harder! I think it's because her parents were visiting. I had a good chat with her Dad. He seems really nice, so I asked Di where her violent tendencies came from.

"My Dad, he was a right firebrand!"

I'd better watch out methinks!

Also, finally the damn beer's gone up 10p a pint! Bloody budget. Mind you, it wont bother me, except i'll probably have to subsidise Keith . You know what some 'elder' buggers are like! LOL.

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This was a surprise in the garden yesterday.

These are Red-legged French Partridge, or Frenchmen to the country folk, like wot I is! They are usually a field dwelling bird living in covies , but at the start of the mating season appear to lose their marbles, and turn up anywhere.

I wish I'd still got my gun, Partridge are one of my favourite meats!

Joke Tuesday.

A SHORT LOVE STORY.

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1.00AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but could you reach into the closet and pass me a second blanket, It's awfully cold in here?"

"I've a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moments silence, he farted.

The end!

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New pet.

Eric has been living under our fridge for some time now, and as the budgie became an ex-budgie a while ago, he (I assume it's a he) has achieved the status of family pet.

As yet, retrieving sticks has been largely totally unsuccessful, and going for a walk has been put on hold until a suitable collar and lead can be found.

For the statisticians amongst you, Eric sports a leg span of about 2 1/2", runs like, well, a spider on speed. Now, I know he's no match for the sort of nasties some of my foreign readers get. Tarantulas,Funnel web spiders, black widows, etc, but I think he/she's great.

Di, our gorgeous, but increasingly violent, to me landlady hates spiders with a vengeance, and slapped me for telling her about him/her.

I suppose it could be an Erica, or do you have any better ideas?

Joke Tuesday !

Ok, I Think you might like this!

God visits a man and tells him he must give up drinking and sex if he wants to go to heaven. The man says he'll try.

A week goes by and God visits the man to see how he's getting on.

"Not bad", says the man. "I've given up smoking and drinking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I just had to f*ck her up the a*se!"

"They dont like that in heaven", replies God.

The man says,"They weren't too happy about it in ASDA either!!"

Daft question!

This is really daft, but funny. Apologies if my continental fans readers do not understand this. Many English, Scottish, Welsh, and Irish may not either!

Name three fish that begin with K, and end with K!

The answer will be posted next Sunday.

Keith may help remind me, as it was a particularly mad lunchtime in the pub today. Charlie (Nikki's better half) bought a load more photos of our New Years eve do from 25 years ago! If you want to see more, let me know!

Pub news.

Di and Jez have had two smoking shelters, both destroyed by the gales of recent weeks. It doesn't seem fair. They are trying to make life a little more comfortable for the smokers (I'm 8 months free now! WOOT!), but nature conspires against them. Jez has now decided, that with the onset of (hopefully) warmer weather, ie, the summer, they can do without until a brick shelter can be built.

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Onto todays issues.

After the customary greetings from Di, "Hello lovely!"

Me: "Hello, lovely!" I ordered my pint of pedigree.

It came with a bit of a 'lame' head on it, and as I was drinking it , it went a bit flat.

On ordering my next pint I asked Di to give the pint a good first pull, let it settle, then gently top it up.

"You like a good head then?". said Di. I looked at her rather incredulously. "Oh, shit, I didn't mean that!"

Bless her!

I'm afraid this couldn't wait!!

A man is desperate for a pee whilst visiting a friend in hospital. He is asked to use the ladies, as the gents are being cleaned,but not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.

Inside there are four buttons, marked WW, WA, PP and a red one marked ATR.

Curious, he pressed WW and was gently sprayed with warm water. He then pressed WA and warm air dried him. PP produced a powder puff, so he decided to finish with ATR.

He woke up in bed and the nurse says,"ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover, your cock's under the pillow!

Joke Tuesday..........Double bill.

Mr. Farty, please don't take this personally!

Scotsman takes his wife to casualty. She's no teeth, a broken nose and two black eyes.

Doctor asks what happened. The Scotsman says, "She was going through the change."

Doctor says,"That doesn't happen with the change."

Scotsman replies, "It does when it's in my f*cking pocket!

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Forty gypsies arrive at The Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says, "We've only got room for twelve, so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in.

Five minutes later Saint Peter says to God,"They've gone!"

God says, "What, all forty of them?"

Saint Peter replies, "No,the f*cking gates!"

Spring is sprung.......I hope!

I hope spring has sprung, but March can be a strange month, as the start of this week has proved already, with snow showers and a brisk North Westerly that we call a 'lazy' wind, as it goes through you instead of around you!

Anyway, these were taken last week.

Crocuses and snowdrops under the rose trellis.

Helebores, Dads favourites.

This isn't as colourful yet as it will get, as the single daffodil says,but give it a few days of milder weather later this week and things will explode with colour.

I love the spring, with its variations of greens. All of them fresh and vibrant, before giving way as summer arrives to a much darker shade.

More photos as the year progresses.