Wonderful news,I hope

I met the new/future landlord today, he seems a good sort on first impressions.
The REALLY good news is he`s a biker. Yeah! The MOTO G.P. season starts on March 10th.
Now I have an ally. This is looking GOOD!

I think i`m thick!

Keith came over for a pint today and gave me a book called "html in easy steps", and very kind of him it was.

However, having spent all evening reading it I am no nearer understanding the damn thing. It doesn`t tell you where to start, i.e. what screen I should be looking at when I begin typing in strange icons/thingies. I will keep trying, but do not hold your breath, as I will not be held responsible for any fatalities(apart from my own)!

A normal Sunday lunch.......

Two of my best mates came in today, both motorbike mad, as I am. We put the highlights of yesterdays race in Qatar on, as they missed it live.

Enter Trigger. (I can hear the applause).

" I saw him racing yesterday".

Who?

"Number 52".

You did Trig, these are the highlights, we watched the race, remember?

"Yes, who won?"

My mates just looked in amazement.

Keith popped in for a pint, unusual for him on a Sunday. (No girlie drinks Wendz). It was good to see him. No doubt he`ll be in on Tuesday. Your shout matey!

Aah, the weekend.

You`ve guessed it. The weekend means Trigger!

I/we were watching the motorcycle racing from Qatar. The commentator was saying how silky smooth the leader was around the track.

"A bit like me", said Trigger. The barmaid dropped his pint!!!

Where is Zed?

Let`s look at the facts. Birthday on the 18th, no post since = One mother of a hangover!

Keith dropped by for a pint today, real beer, Wendz take note. We had a giggle about various things that will remain top secret. No amount of bribery will make me reveal anything.

Whilst i am typing this, Blair is on the news, sat in front of a banner that says "reducing crime". I thought he said that in 1997. This man outlawed legal ownership of hand-guns, now they`re everywhere, illegal, and owned by criminals, drug-addcts, et-al. PAH!

A joke for you.

I`d like to share this beauty with you. Some may have heard it before, but here goes:

A letter was left on the dining room table.

My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that i have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and i value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, i hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that i will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don`t be perturbed, i shall be home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter, thank-you for your honesty.

I would like to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time i would like to inform you that i will be spending the evening with my 18 year old tennis coach at the Hotel Fiesta. As a successful businessman, with a good grasp of maths, you will realise that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, i will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

Pleasant lunchtime.

Had a couple of drinks with Keith today. If he classes himself as a disillusioned drunk on a pint of orange/lemonade and a pint of mild, i hope he never visits Zoe! (sorry zed).
It was very pleasant though, and luckily he hasn`t met Trigger. I hope to see Keith again, which no doubt i will. It`s a good thing, this blogging.

Blair!! BLAH!

I read he`s going to sort the N.H.S. (National Horror Story) out. Wasn`t he supposed to do that 10 years ago, along with Education, Education, Education? I also note that some of my law abiding friends, who were forced to give up their hand-guns after Dunblane seem to be the only ones in the country WITHOUT guns!

This is his legacy, along with taxing the arse off us all. This Government makes me want to PUKE!! Why should my Father and i pay £2000.00 a year in council tax, when there`s 5 living next door paying £500.00 less?

Boll*cks, i`m off to bed! PAH.

Aaah, that`s the life!

My good friend, the Traveller is setting out tomorrow on a 38 day cruise. Southampton/Southampton via the AMAZON! Manaus is the last call, three days up river, but taking in the Carribean on the way.

Now , i know the title of this post makes me seem envious, but i don`t think cruising would be my cup of tea. Too much free food, and the temptation to really overdo the booze(which you have to pay for). And all that sea in between, not exactly good scenery. Still, he`s an old hand at this, and i know what he`ll say when he gets back, and i ask if he enjoyed it....IT WAS O.K.!

I thought i was lucky!

Did anybody read about the (female) paraglider in todays papers? She was practising for the world championships in Australia. She leapt off a cliff at 2500ft, and got caught in an electrical storm. Fifteen minutes later she`s at 32000ft, at -52 degrees. She landed 40 miles away, safely, but with a touch of frostbite. Nearly lost her ears. She`s going to compete next month!!

There`s MAD for you!!

And to think, i only argued with a tree!!

My new masthead

What a beauty!! All the credit goes to WENDZ, what a star! And to Keith for telling me.

Trigger`s on form.

Firstly, these comments are real, i am NOT making them up. I only say this because of the following.
We were waiting for the football to start and the Poacher wanted to see the weather forecast. He`s fishing next week. Anyway, the screen was showing Scotland. Now you know how they highlight the major towns/cities on the map? Lerwick came into view.

Trigger: " What`s that island in the sea?"

"What?"

"Lerwick".

Need i say more?

Number 2. The Beer Monster came in.

Trigger: "Now we can have a sensible conversation"

Seven of us together.".When are you going?"

Puzzled?

I just commented on Yaxlich`s last post and it`s appeared on mine. What`s going on? It didn`t register on his. ??????

Triggres back!

Some of today`s Triggerisms.

"Iwas reading my paper this morning (The Sun), when i read about a baby that had been
given Viagra to increase the blood flow to her arteries."

"Yes", i said, it was on the news earlier.

"I use that sometimes".

"Why?" (he`s got a face lke a blacksmith`s anvil).

" Well, you know".

"No".

"It increases the blood flow to your dick".

That explains things...Blood taken from brain, put into dick means.....IDIOT!!

I was watching the golf, live from Jakarta, Trigger looked at the scoreboard and said(ok, it was a slip of the tongue), there`s a lot of Indians playing cricket these days!

I love him to bits.

Great minds meet

I met Keith today. He took up my offer of a pint and duly arrived at the local.
A thoroughly nice man.

List of things we agreed on:

1. We both like France and Frogs (i get loads in the pond at springtime). Oh, shit he meant the French!

2. We`re not religious.

3. Zoe`s mad

4. The Twat`s mad.

5. Wendz is mad.

6. Numbers 3 & 5 are lovely kind .....aaahhh! lol.

Things we disagreed on. He likes cats, i`d shoot them. He hates dogs, i love them (apart from those little yappy b*stards.

All-in-all a good result i think. Good on you Keith, maybe next time you`ll meet TRIGGER!!!!!!

It`s a small world

Who`d of thought it? I had a comment from Keith via Zoe`s blog. It turns out he lives about a mile or so from where the nasty tree squashed me 7 years ago. How spooky is that?

I`ve invited him for a pint one lunchtime, it would be nice to meet a fellow blogger, considering how far and wide everyone is spread, so, if you read this, Keith the offer still stands.

Watchdog

I have just watched Watchdog on the BEEB. I like this programme as it reassures me that although i may appear, sometimes to be a prat, i , in fact am not.
A couple contacted the show complaining about a builder who had reneged on a £42,000 deal.........they paid him up front!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They were moaning that he hadn`t even started. Now, IF they ever catch him i`d string him up by his balls, but to pay in advance?? DOH!

On a different subject, how the hell do you use this HTML thingy? I cannot understand it.

I must be a prat. Ahh well, c`est la vie. (i know someone will correct my French if needed).

40 - 1 good odds.

Strange title, i know, but the pub ,although very sports orientated, is very much a haven for rugby union fans. With the Six nations now in full swing the place was packed on Sunday in anticipation of the Ireland v France game. Then Trigger came in. Now i always have the remote control, just to stop any rows. The majoritory always win, that`s our democracy. Trigger however is...well, Trigger.

"Put the football on"

"Piss off Trigger, you know the score, the majoritory wins".

"That`s not fair, i wanted to watch the football"

40 voices in synch. from the other room...."F*UCK OFF Trigger!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He left.

cock-up correction

Periods of cosmic inactivity cause fewer clouds, hence COOLER temperatures.
I apologise for the inaccuracies in the last post...slapped wrist.

Climate change

So, now we have some sensible scientists at last. Apparently they`ve discovered that the Earth`s warming is due to cosmic rays from the sun creating clouds, which in turn help to keep the warmth in the lower atmosphere. On periods of cosmic inactivity, there are fewer clouds, hence warmer temperatures.

So, it`s f*ck all to do with us(or very little), therefore we`re being TAXED to the hilt for nothing! Apart from Brown trying to claw back the raped pension pot, and the fact that he sold off half our gold reserve at $275 per ounce..... it is now $700, ish !!

TOSSER!

Grrr.

Triggerism

Yes, he was in the pub today being his usual thick self.

Some of the younger set (compared to me), early 20`s were in. They all know Trigger. He was rambling on about his female conquests from years gone by when the following banter took place.

Trigger: "I don`t need contraception anymore".

Good looking 20-something: With a face like that, i`m not surprised".

Trigger, for the first time was speechless!

I do wish he would `nt make us spit beer out!!!!

Anyway back to reality. Thankfully it is raining here, so all the snow`s gone. Now i`ve nothing against snow, but when you can only walk about 100 yds(i`m not metric yet), it`s a blessing to be able to put ones crutch down on dry land. (No comments on that please).

General mutterings

Firstly, i`d like to congratulate Zoe on her 1,000,000th visit, impressive.

Word of the week: DICHOTOMY, in todays D.T. codeword puzzle.

Pat very kindly mentioned me in one of her last postings, thanks Pat.

We beat the Aussies at cricket.......YEAH!!

Quote of the week from Glenn Hoddle: "They still have the second leg up their sleeve"!

Pub business. Trigger came in.............? Seriously, we were watching South Africa. v. Pakistan from Durban, live.

"Where`s` this from?", asks Trigger.

"Durban", i replied.

"Nice weather, considering it`s snowing here".

"Pardon?"

"Well Durham`s near Newcastle, it`s not that far away".

I really don`t know why i bother.

Still can`t play golf!

After installing Vista, i still am unable to plat my beloved golf game. The graphics people still aren`t up to speed. I did a lot of investigation, and apparently they`ve about sorted it........... in the U.S.A. No surprise there then !

The pub was quite busy today, considering the weather.

Trigger came in, he said he`d been snowed off. I don`t know how. He works in his village !!

Cricket against the Aussies again tomorrow, more doom i imagine.

Ta, ta for now.

Snow

HELP!! Snow, and lots of it is forecast for tonight/tomorrow. I have searched the `net for snow-chains for my wheelchair, but to no avail. Crikey!! Have i found a niche in the market? If any of you would like to fund my latest idea, i`m sure we could arrive at a financial settlement , i.e. 50/50. Or 60/40, as it was my idea.

Golfing

Before my accident i was a mad keen golfer, so when i got my computer a few years ago i went for a golf game. I now play Tiger Woods 2007. Or i did until i installed Vista. Now it`s not Vista`s fault, so my guru tells me(he shall now be called OBE WAN). No it`s the makers of the graphic cards/drivers who haven`t updated their gear to allow Vista to run the games.

OBE WAN tells me i need a new graphics card. At this rate i shall be meeting Yaxlich and the Vegetable soup people!

Windows Vista

Hello, all, i`m back.

I`ve had a turbulent two days with my computer guru. He came over to install my new Vista. All went well until he had to re-install AOL (tossers). Vista will NOT run with AOL 9.0. I had to buy a LAN to get on the net via MSN, (£7.00 new, don`t ask). Once there my guru discovered the anomoly with AOL 9.0. On their web-site is a cunningly small item called AOL9.0 vr. This is a free download to run with Vista.

WHY DIDN`T THEY TELL US IN THE FIRST PLACE !!!!!!!

Tossers!!
By the way, Vista flies!!

A knock down for you girls out there

Trigger came in as usual. He went to his local Conservative club last night, where he encountered a new barmaid. Now, as you may have gathered, Trigger isn`t the subtlest of people, but this shook him.

Trigger: Where have you been all my life?

Barmaid: Well, for the first half, i wasn`t born.

Nice!!!

Saturday night

I can tell it`s Saturday night, nobody`s about. I don`t go out in the evening, it`s not fair on Father. He likes to be in bed by 10/10.30pm.

The pub was quiet today, i think they were all waiting for the England rugby match at 4.00pm. We STUFFED the Jocks!! Yahoo!

He is currently watching Open all Hours. Ger, ger Granville, fetch your cloth! Classic comedy, they don`t make them like that anymore, mores the pity.

Next on the agenda is a DVD. The Day After Tomorrow. Great film, i think.

Bye, bye.

Laugh

When i arrived at the pub, there was a mysterious stranger, all suited and booted, sat not far from my usual place. (I have a regular slot for my chariot). Anyway, there he was, tapping away on his laptop with a mountain of paperwork in front of him, and no drink. This is strange, nay sinister in this pub. Business men don`t come here to work. I made some quiet comments to my mates, and we came to the conclusion that it must be something to do with the imminent takeover.

Then Trigger walked in.

We had the highlights of England.v. Australia on, only `cause we stuffed them, at last.

Trigger: Is this on now?

Me, looking at the screen: Yes.

Trigger: How`re we doing?

Me: Good.

Trigger: (quiety, for him): Who`s he, nodding towards the stranger?

Me: He`s a TWAT spotter from the brewery, the new owners want to know what, if any idiots they get in here.

Trigger: Have you found any, he asked?

Stranger: Only one!

Much spitting of beer and laughter!!

Trigger: Who`s that then?

The Stranger carried on typing.....................

Balmy weather

One more today. A fast food outlet in Herriot country..... All PIZZAS great and small !!

Do i subscribe to global warming? No, not as a result of our doings. Ok this winter`s been mild, about o.6 of a degree, but the previous warmest was in 1909. Hardly a lot of carbon emissions from air/road travel then, then!

No, it`s just jumping on the bandwagon that is "green", in other words, TAX. The world has always warmed, then cooled, and so-on. I believe it is called cyclical.

So bollocks to you Brown, you`re a bigger w*nker than i thought if you think putting up tax on air travel is going to save the planet. Try telling the Americans, Russians,Chinese and Indians to stop pumping shit into the air and leave our insignificant little island alone.

That feels better.