Funniest film I have ever seen!

Dad and me are watching a DVD tonight. It is the funniest film we have seen.

1963, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

A cast list to dream of. If you haven't seen it, you have missed a treat.

Watch it!

Incredible!

How do they DO that? Explanations on the back of a signed blank cheque to me as soon as possible please....

Disgusted !!

About two months ago a very dear friend of our family, of over 30 years, who lived 200 yrds up the road died. The house was empty as her daughter awaited the legal stuff to go through.
On Sunday, some scumbags smashed down the front door and ransacked the place.

What is the matter with this country? We live in a small village. Someone knew that house was empty.

I know what I'd do with the bastards, and it aint pretty!

Joke Tuesday

A BOTTLE OF MERLOT!


A Texan gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the bottle over and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine for a second, not looking at the man, decided to send a reply note. The waiter duly passed the note on.

It read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The reply came back, it read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes AMG600, and a Porsche Turbo. Homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over 20 million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a beautiful woman like you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.

BWWAAAAHHH!!!!

Bank holiday fun

All join in. A mate mentioned something he'd heard on Radio 2. Unanswered questions.

1. What did the person who invented the drawing board design it on, and did he go back to it ?

2. How did they know how much fuel it would take to get to the moon and back ?

3. Why is learning HTML harder than learning Mandarin ?

4. Where did the word FORMICA come from ?

5. Why am I writing this drivel ?

6. Where is Yaxlich ?

7. Where do chickens keep their nuggets ?



More questions please, I know I can rely on you!!

Sunday Fun-Time

Guest Blog by Keith

I went to the pub today for a quiet Sunday drink with John, but it turned out to be anything but quiet. Apparently I had just missed Trigger, he went home early to day.

Propping up the bar was the Poacher, the Poacher's Dad, and the Poachers Dad's Brother, and various other dubious regulars. As usual the bar was groaning under the weight of various tit-bits and nibbles so I bought a pint, grabbed a handful of sausage rolls and joined John.

Last Wednesday the Poacher had bagged a load of wild pigeons and his father had cleaned and prepared them for human consumption by "smoking" them, and was selling them in the pub. John very kindly bought me one and explained how to carve and eat it. Apparently there is an art in it. There were a few left and the Poachers Dad was sitting at the bar cutting them up and distributing them around the pub. He offered a bit to the sweet young thing serving behind the bar. She wrinkled her nose up at it and said "No way!", but Poachers Dad persuaded her to put it in her mouth (the pigeon that is!). She went the colour of chalk and promptly spat it out into the waste bin.

I can't understand the youngsters of today, they will eat a fast-food burger that has probably got the complete cow, i.e., lips, nose, eyeballs and testicles in it, but they are revolted by a nice juicy fat pigeon prepared country-style!

The Poacher's Uncle had brought Jess; a vicious little terrier, in today. Now this bitch has an attitude problem insomuch that it hates everything that is human-shaped, except her master of course. She is a little bastard to put it mildly. She bares her teeth and her little beady eyes are ablaze with anger if you even so much as look at her.

Now Nikki, another character in the pub, who is blonde and attractive with a nice figure and wears tight sweat shirts, tight jodphurs and kinky boots (yes, she really does have a horse!) said that she could calm Jess down and stroke her. She has this "if I can break a horse in", she can "break a dog in" type of attitude. She approached Jess and even I could see that this fiend was waiting until she got within snapping distance before attacking. As you can see in the picture that is precisely what happened. Luckily only Nikkis pride was hurt and not her fingers because the "dog-crocodile" was on a short lead.

Sorry about the quality of the photo, John tried to get an action picture, but the dog was too quick. Either that or John's hand was shaking due to sheer terror or he had had too much lager.

As we mean to go on....

Di, battered Trigger with an aluminium tray.

"What was that for?" enquired a puzzled Trigger.

"That's for later on, when you deserve it and I haven't got the tray!"

Trigger asked Bushy, if he was coming out for a cigarette break.

Bushy, "I'm not being seen outside with you, it'll do my cred no good at all!"

The Poachers' brother came in. They had been over to Norfolk, fishing, but there was so much water about that it wasn't worth staying.
Trigger said he was glad he hadn't gone to see them this morning, and in any case he couldn't find the place on his map.

"I'll have to get sat-nav." says Trigger.

"You'd be better off with twat-nav!" came Bushy's reply.

Problem!

We have a big problem in this country at present. It has been around for some years now.
Why are teenagers shooting each other?

Rhys Jones didn't deserve that. Who does, apart from the lowlife who pulled the trigger. I don't care how young he is, he knew the consequences!

Am I the only one who sees a link with the abolition of corporal punishment in schools, and the coming to prominence of the politically correct brigade?

We have 'lost' a generation, let's not lose another!

Joke Tuesday.

This is close to my own heart so I found it hilarious!

A man was asked to do a 10 mile 'fun run'. "Piss off", he said!" Come on", said his mate," it's for spastics and blind kids." He thought for a while, "Ok,then, I could win this!"

Challenge. What's on/above your mantlepiece?

Watercolour of Wells Cathedral.

My late Mums' favourite copper kettle.

The elephant on the beam was my Grans', if you can zoom in on the pic. that is embroidery.

We had the old open fire taken out, as it was getting too much for Dad, messing about clearing it out and lugging coal/logs around. The beam is from the farm house across the road, and dates from 1400. So I make the tree at least 150 years before that!

I don't know why this is here!!

Scarey!

This has come from Di, the landlady.

Yesterday evening she was walking her dog. A car pulled up along side, the window wound slowly down.

"You looking for some business, darling?"

She didn't recognize the car until she got back to the pub.

Trigger!

Large battering! Two in one day!

Trigger v Di.

Showdown today, I think it was a draw on points.

Jez, Di's other half is selling his old Austin Riley. Trigger asked Di, if he was looking for a newer model.

Di: "What are you saying?"

Trigger: "If you got in , he could sell Old Mother Riley too, as a job lot!"

Cue a good battering.

A while later Trigger was talking to one of the lads when Di overheard him say:

"I do the odd miracle you know".

Di: "How about a disappearing act!"

Cute!

Silly signs

A while ago I posted a couple of daft, pointless road signs, with a prize for the best returns. I had loads of comments but only two photos, so Beccy, and Chris, you will receive a local delicacy. Thanks for taking part.

Joke Tuesday..#2

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Safeway's with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The doorman says, "Good morning and welcome to Safeways, nice children you have. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman snarls: "Of course they bloody aren't! That one's nine, and the other's seven. Do they look like twins you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the doorman, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

Joke Tuesday. Double-entendres.

Sob, where's my blog?

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator- " And this is the Bulgarian girl. I saw her snatch this morning, and it was amazing!"
2. New Zealand Rugby commentator- "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him.
3. Ted Walsh- Horse racing commentator- "This is a really lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Boat race 1977-"Aahh, Isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA commentator- "One of the reasons Arnold Palmer is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh my God, what have I just said??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, so did half the crew, they were laughing so much!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters- "Seve felt much better today after that 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby on Look North, talking about a jumbo hot dog said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold, they're rubbing each other, and he's only come in his shorts."

Favourites on a postcard!!

Off to try and find my pet blog.

Two things.

Firstly, my thanks to Shaz for the award, I am honoured!

Secondly, what does the landlady do when Trigger tells her and Sharon that the reason he is quiet is that he can't get a word in edgeways with two f**king women yawping behind the bar?

Answer, she comes round and batters him!! (I can't tell you what he actually said, I'm a gentleman you know!)

I can't wait for joke Tuesday!!

The Funny Farm.

I swear this place gets worse.

Main characters. Bush.
Trigger.


There are tables outside the front of the pub for the smoking brigade. ( not me, no siree).

Trigger goes out for a cigarette.

Bush:"Landlord, you want him round the back. All the potential customers take one look at him and drive past. They think it's an old folks home!"

The landlord goes out to tell Trigger what Bush has recommended.

Two fingers appear at the window.

Trigger comes back in to finish his pint.

Trigger: The women would flock in if i'd taken the viagra tablet.

Stunned silence, then much mirth! Good old Trigger!

The biker!

I discovered today that someone I know from the pub has been reading this tome of nonsense.

So, Mr. Shenton, get rid of that girlie bike you've got, and get a PROPER bike!!

And feel free to leave a comment.

BTW, Sharon, who has looked after the pub since Monday, whilst Di & Jez have been away has done a sterling job, even belting someone for accidentally tripping her up . He was pissed apparently!

Trigger nearly caught a right hander from Sharon today.......He came in! Sharon is not used to seeing Trigger on a week-day afternoon, so it came as something of a shock to her.

Me: "All right Trigger?"

Sharon:"What the f**k are you doing here?"

Trigger:"Pedigree please." (Pedigree is the local brew).

Strange look to me from Sharon.

Me:"He's a bit deaf."

Sharon:"That's all I need!"

Trigger:"Pardon?"

Sharon:"I need a cigarette!"

Back on track

Well, I don't know what that was. Got me somewhat worried. Thanks for your help/concerns, and special thanks to Keith, who has access to this site and immediately went looking for cures.

Thinking about it, it was probably him anyway!! ( Only joking!! )

Curtains?

Ok, what's with the crappy coloured curtains before my blog becomes live? Nothing I'm aware of doing, all cookie business seems in order now. It just takes an age for my blog to appear.

Strange! Answers/suggestions..........you know.

What's happened?

My blog has gone tits up! I can't access the main page. Oh, crap, what have I done?

I deleted a load/all the cookies yesterday, but have used the net since so there should be some back on.

HELP!!

Joke Tuesday.

Irish woman on holiday in the Carribean, meets a big black guy. After a night of mad passion she asks his name. He says. "You'll laugh if I tell you".
She says she wont. He says : "My name is SNOW".
She laughs, and says," My husband will never believe I've had 10" of snow each night in the Carribean!!

Nothing against the Irish!

A silly Saturday

First picture: There hasn't been a footpath for the previous mile, why warn us now?

Second pic: Narrow footpath. Why tell us the obvious? Is the sign for the blind?

Council morons, wasting our money.

If I think you have a better one, there could be a prize. No tags, open to all, just pass it on, and put them on your blogs, I shall be watching!!

Blogger awards.

I wish to nominate the following for this prestigious award:



Headless Chicken



Sally

Karmyn r

For devoted piss takingsupport of my blog, I salute you.

New Award

What has he done?! You trust the bloke for 5 minutes, then this!! Jealousy must be rampant now that I have THREE awards, to his NIL, NOTHING, ZIP, ZILCH!

Award ceremony!

I, me, myself, discovered how to put BOTH (Keith) my awards all by myself. It took ages, and although I did send a couple of cry-for-help e-mails out,I sorted it out before the replies came back.
I am feeling smug. Joan.G.John.G. 2, Keith 0.

Just off to powder my ....er..thingy!