Trigger has had this week off work, which means I've had to put up with him for an hour or so every lunch in the pub. Now this is not such a bad thing, as I get some ammo for my blog. Today was a good oppurtunity.
Trigger came in sporting a smart new haircut. He said he wanted a change. A makeover.
Emma, the barmaid said that it would be like that T.V. programme........Scrapheap Challenge!
Trigger laughed, he's a good sport!
I hereby take no respoibility for this joke, blame KEITH.
What's brown. smells and comes out of cows?
The Isle of Wight ferry!
Trigger, as you may have read here has been listening, but not absorbing talk about steaming food. Today, one of the lads bought a surplus to requirements steamer and gave it to Trigger.
"Thanks, what do I owe you?"
"Nothing, it's yours".
"Cheers, are there any instructions?"
"No, but you'll be ok, it's twat proof."
Now I know this may not be your subject, so googling is allowed.
FOUR horse race courses in England that DO NOT have the letters ' RACE ' in them.
Toodle pip, answer tomorrow'ish!
A little poser for you all.
Bank Holiday.
Take these letters and name one city in England that contains NONE of them.
There is only one.
Good luck, and no googling!!
I know a lot of you are excellent cooks/chefs, and a few of the locals in the pub are fairly handy.
One of the lads has just bought a steamer, and was asking OBE WAN for some advice about cooking times for veg. Trigger was listening in, as usual. OBE WAN gave his advice, which Pete the builder (another character Beccy) accepted.
"That sounds easy". said Trigger. "Can I do my beef in there as well?"
DOH!!!!!!!!
What a scream i've had today!
For the sake of simplicity Australian voices are in capitals. (loud).
Dad dropped me off at the pub as usual. Horror! Six Aussies sat at my table. What to do? The landlord shrugged his shoulders.
"Excuse me guys, do you think i could move to this corner of the table, it makes things easier for me.
NO BLOODY WORRIES COBBER.
"Thanks a lot".
They were playing darts, badly. I put the cricket on.
CHRIST, NOW HERE'S A SPORT YOU POMS CANT PLAY.
Why did I put the cricket on?
YOU LOT WERE CRAP IN THE WORLD CUP.
"Yes".
They were a good lot, who, I discovered were over for a wedding. The landlords sister was marrying one of them.
They kept passing my beer to me when I needed a refill, and we had a good laugh.
The darts didn't improve, the alcohol consumption did! Dad arrived at 3pm and I got up, shook hands with them all.
"Two things i've learnt about you guys!"
WHAT'S THAT?
"You convicts cant play darts for shit!!"
"And you're a great laugh!".
PISS OFF YOU POMMIE BASTARD.
My bar bill? Nothing, the convicts bought the lot!!
I noticed the other day that my 100th post had been passed. Who'd of thought it, me finding 100 things to blog about!
As you all know, my life has had it's downs and downs over the past 7 years, what with my prang, and then Mum dying. What has kept me going is a manic sense of humour, my Dad (you are a star), my 'Sister',( Lindsay, I love you to bits), and above all YOU my bloggie friends. Without you lot my access to the outside world would have been lost.
You, my friends are MY WORLD, and long may it continue!!
Toodle pip . I love you all, and thank you.
First attempt, bear with me.
I tried, I tried, I really did
But all the words, they went and hid
My mind is a ripple
Not too bad for a middle aged cripple
Don't feel sorry, don't feel bad
After all I still have my Dad
The one thing that is so sad is.........
I've got to buy Keith a pint and a cob tomorrow!
Trigger was a bit subdued this lunch, so no funnies. Instead a questionnaire.
Favourite things:
1: DRINK: Lager now, I used to drink bitter.
2: FOOD: Roast lamb, veg, onion sauce, fresh mint sauce with gravy.
3: FILM: Monty Python, The Life Of Brian.
4: BOOK: Jaws, read at an early age, I was spellbound. (Always had a fascination with sharks).
5: SPORT: Difficult, but has to be motocycle racing.
6:BLOGGER: No comment, you're all special. (How's that for diplomacy)?
7:MUSIC: Pink Floyd all the way!
8: BIRD: Zoe Osprey.
9: ANIMAL: Tiger.
10: HERO: There has to be two here. Nick Faldo and Barry Sheene.
I tag ..........All of you.
Having read all my bloggie friends this afternoon (after watching Man Utd get robbed), I have come to the conclusion that:
A: I am sad, as I have to stay in at night.
B: Some of you are dealing with family things.
C: ALL the Brussels mob are piss-heads, and are already in the pub.
I am soooo jealous!!
A recent survey found that a woman finds different male faces attractive depending on her cycle. For example. a woman ovulating likes a man with a rugged masculine look. When she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors in his eyes, and a cricket stump up his ar*e.
Should I duck now? He he!
Firstly, may I apologise to Joules, this is not intentional.
IRISH PROSTITUTE.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have you been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, noy even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mum through?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad.....I became a prostitute...
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"Ok, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for £5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the new Mercedes convertible in the drive.
"Now what did you say you'd become?" says Dad.
"Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute Dad! Sniff.
"Oh Be Jesus, I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
I'm not a parent, nor am I in the least bit religious, but this story has really tugged at something within me. I'm not going to turn religious either, but spare a thought for what the parents must be going through. The not knowing must be heart rending. How they seem to be coping is amazing.
May a happy ending come to them.
Good old Trigger. The following banter took place.
Obe-Wan. "When do you retire Trigger?"
Trigger. "Three years, but I'm not going to fully retire. I might become a male escort".
Voice from the back. "You've got more chance of becoming a Ford Escort".
Trigger. "Bollocks."
Charming.
Trigger. "Why do you lot go on about gardening all the time?"
Obe-Wan. "It's called a hobby , The Poacher talks about fishing, John talks about golf and motorbikes, The beer monster talks about everything........."
Sharon. "And you talk about crap!"
Trigger. (silence).
The bar. LAUGHTER!!
Children writing about the sea!
1: This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, aged 6).
5:A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on top of its head. (Billy aged 8).
7: When ships had sails, they used to use the wind to cross the oceans. Sometimes it was calm, and the sailors would whistle for the wind to come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William aged 8).
9: I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at Mum, and my big sister just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy aged 8).
11: When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin aged 6).
12: Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky aged 8).Not so much jokes today, but funny. If the first one offends, I am sorry.
Trigger was in on Sunday, talking crap as usual. Blakey came in (not him from on the buses), but a mate of ours with a razor wit.
"Trigger, I was in the Co-op, shopping this morning when I saw a loaf of bread with your name on it".
"What did it say?" asks Trigger.
"Thick Cut"!!
Trigger liked that.
The second one is a bit long, so as not to bore you I'll post it later.
Ok, you lot, let's see your smarter side for once (ducks). As I type I do not know the answer.
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his pocket. He turns to the rich man and says, "I have an amazing talent: I know almost every song that has ever existed." The rich man laughs. The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money in your pocket that I can sing a song with a lady's name of your choice in it." The rich man laughs again and says, "Ok, how about my daughters name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller." The rich man goes home poor, the poor man goes home rich. What song did he sing?
I have come down with the MOTHER of all snotty beaks. Not as bad as Dad has been, as my head isn't pounding. I am a walking wheeling lump of snot, a slug on wheels, so to speak. Do I feel sorry for myself? YES! I haven't had a cold for 20 years, and now I cop for a beauty.
What else is life going to throw at me? Not another f*cking tree, I hope!!
I shall survive. (there's a song there somewhere).
Ta, ta.
Trigger was having trouble with his mobile phone. He couldn't get a signal (no surprise there then). One of the lads lent him his phone, with the required number already ringing.
"Hello", said Trigger.
"Look, shut up for a minute, I want some information".
"Will you shut the f*ck up?"
It was a voice message !!!!!!
Well, who'd have thought it, but Sharon got embarassed today. It went like this.
One of the locals: "Pedigree, please".
After pouring it and placing said pint in front of him.
"£2.45, please".
Can you top it up, please?
"I thought all you lot liked a good head".
Now, you can imagine the laughter, and in front of the new landlord!!
I read a letter in the D.T. today regarding misspelt names. This was from a Mr. Heron. He made a phone call to give some information, and said his surname was "Heron, as in bird". The letter to him was addressed to Mr. HERON AZINBURD !
If any of you have experienced similar, why not share them here?
When I was in hospital I got some get-well cards from mates addressed to Mr. Ashtree, Mr. Deadwood, and Mr. Unlucky bastard ! You've got to laugh!
Scientists have discovered a food that stops any form of sex drive..............
Wedding cake !!!!!
I'm not convinced that "diablism" is a word, but Her Royal Bloggi-highness, Zoe suggested that I may want to place a post on how I coped with, then overcame my disability. So hear goes.
I'm afraid this wont be too serious, because that is half the secret, I found.
1: Get yourself a mindset that, OK, it's happened, life moves on. PRIORITY No. 1!!
2: Laugh, there's always someone worse off than you. Even able bodied people, (or the normals), as I call you lot.
3: Don't be afraid of morons staring at you, there will be plenty!
4: Get a computer so you can contact various mad, intelligent(some), witty, and LOVELY people in the blogosphere!
5: Chin up, you could be unlucky.......and not be here!
That is the secret of my success. Oh, and don't drive under big dead trees in high winds!!
If this helps anyone, it will have made my day. Good luck.
