Right! Lets get one thing straight, I AM NOT A GIRL!!!! What has persuaded two of my favourite ex-favourite bloggers to decide that I am now a GIRL?
Keith came over today, and he didn't try anything on, so I must be ok.
And I don't know how to add the award logo anyway!
Should I be grateful? Of course, it means I haven't been forgotten..........but a GIRL?
There was soooooo much CRAP spoken in the pub today(Trigger's still on holiday), that I couldn't remember it all. Sharon won though! Something to do with Triggers' manhood, or chipolatta, as Sharon called it!
He can't seem to help it. Sharon is not to be messed with, so when one of the locals asked to take a photo(as I have done), of the bar, so it could be sent abroad to relatives, she had no problems.
After said photo had been taken Trigger came out with his biggest mistake. Ready?
How does she fit on a small screen like that?
You don't need to ask what happened next!!
Apologies for omitting this little gem.
Jez, the landlord is putting Scrumpy cider in. I've tried it in my youth, and it tended to get me in a mess. I think it might have been something to do with the quantity consumed, rather than the quality/strength.
I digress.
When told of the installation of the Scrumpy Trigger came out with the following:
"You lot don't need scrumpy, you're all stupid enough as it is."
Note the emphasis on 'you lot' !!
Trigger's got a fan club!
We were talking about emigrating, due to this country becoming a sh*t hole.
"Trigger, I'm not leaving."
Sharon: "Bollocks, I've already started the collection!"
Trigger was cruising for another bruising today, and boy did he get one!
Firstly, he pipped his car horn at Di, when she hadn't seen him. She nearly sh*t herself. (Whack #1).
Secondly, someone asks for a filled roll.
"Are they still last weeks?" Asks Trigger.
"RIGHT, TRIGGER, YOU'RE GETTING IT THIS TIME !! (whack).
"This is fun". Says Trigger. ( WHACK).
I have another week of this............sigh.
This came through today, and for all my lady readers, this is for you. There is not a woman alive today who wont crack up over this! Typed as received. (The tense of the text has been pointed out, and it's NOT me!)
I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been re-scheduled for that morning at 9.30am.
I had only just packed everyone off to work/school and was running close.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I didn't have time to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth next to the sink, and washed the area in question. I threw the washcloth in the laundry basket, dressed, hopped in the car and raced off.
Once in the examination room, knowing the procedure, I hopped on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning. haven't we? I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need that one that was by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved in it."
Never going to that doctor again. EVER !
Dad had some fun with the camera. He doesn't know I've got him!!
From the top left: Yucca, only flowers every few years, about 6ft high.
Crinnum, Rose bed, Yucca(again), Dads' hanging basket, Back garden near the shed, Buddleia,
HIMSELF, Yucca(again).
This is courtesy of Irreverentmama.
Towards the end of the round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow Buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every Buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.......POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those Buttercups? Just for doing that, you won't have any butterfor your popcorn for the rest of your life...... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter ever again!"
Then POOF!!.......She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he shouted for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"
"I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave yells, DON'T SWING, Fred!! For the love of God, DON'T SWING!!"
Thanks Laura.
Keith came over today and Trigger was in. So I asked Keith to guest blog, just to prove what we have to deal with in here! ENJOY!
Di, the Boss lady was on good form today. The Poacher bought a curried rabbit in. He shot it this morning. Di, on enquiring what it was, was mortified. "You cant eat that, it's a little bunny."
"Was." said the poacher.
The Bush said that the poacher tried to slaughter all the family, but missed. Di through a hissy fit and came round and clouted Bush.
Trigger sparked up after Bush had repeated something.
"Why do you always repeat everything?"
"Because you're too f**king thick to get it the first time!"
Trigger went quiet. Bush is too sharp for him.
My, we had a busy session today. Trigger was in late (for him), about 12.15pm. Obe Wan bought some freshly picked peas, some freshly picked/boiled beetroot (still warm), to put on our filled rolls. Now, before you start, only the beetroot went on the rolls! You aren't going to get me that easily, you'll have to work at it.
There was much spoken crap from the Beer monster, which isn't unusual. Trigger even said he was talking crap. That made a few people giggle.
Then, what we were all waiting for, Sharon, bless her, our saviour, said that Trigger, last night, said......."There's some idiots drink in here!"
The Boss lady, Di, is having a door knocked through so the smokers can go outside under a shelter to have a cig. I don't know why............Disgusting habit !!
Trigger came in at lunchtime.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Holiday for 2 weeks.! he announced, smirking.
"You going away?" I asked hopefully.
"No, I'm staying at home. I'll be in here most days."
Aah, well, you can expect some blogging activity at least!
He did say , in response to old Tom........"I don't half listen to some shit in this place."
Pot and kettle spring to mind!!
This is "THE GAFFER", boss lady, Di. I was hoping to get a pic. of the other half (Jez), but he was busy. I will though.
Di is only smiling because she's back on the fags, and now hasn't got a deathwish for everyone!
This is Emma. She has worked here for over 6 years, and is mad!
Emma is the happiest, smiliest person I know.
Thankyou all for the kind comments regarding Wendz skills in designing my new 'look'.
Please go to her site, and for a reasonable fee, she will rejuvenate your blog. This is a public service announcement, for which I am receiving no fee.
Why?
A massive thank you to Wendz for designing this for me.
The last one was good, but this is ACE!! (can you spot Keith?)
With apologies, but I couldn't resist this.
Woman sees a sign outside a pet shop: 'CLITORIS LICKING FROG £50. She goes in and says I'd like to see the clitoris licking frog please.
The man behind the counter says.......
Bonjour!
I have just spent another hour or so trying to understand 'HTML in easy steps', a book given to me by Keith ages ago. Alas to no avail, I haven't the foggiest idea where to start, or what to do.
I tried typing some of that strange code thingy in to my test template, but nothing happened. And how the hell are you supposed to remember all that code? It's like learning f***ing Mandarin!
No, bugger it, I shall let Wendz do one for me. Over to you Wendz, you know the score!
From left to right: Paul, Tom, Jim, Tony and Martin. This was taken fairly early , hence the lack of numbers.
Thanks to Sharon for the photo. Not bad off a phone camera.
A friend of mine and his girlfriend were in the pub today.
She had a right ( see pic) on her. This is a local term for being in a bad mood, a strop, paddy. Basically, she'd got the arse! A picture of which is here.
I currently have a life expectancy of exactly one week, so if you would like to send some condolences now, feel free, because next Sunday I shall be toast!!
I have been a little lacking on commenting about the goings on in said boozer of late, so here is an update. It's still open. There you go!
Joking apart, Di and Jez are doing a great job, but today I hear MY parking space outside the front door is to be taken up by tables, so people who SMOKE may sit outside in comfort!
Now, I have nothing against smoking, and Di has said she wants to make the front of the pub look nicer, and more appealing.(It needs it), but my drop off point! This means I'll have to use the bloody tradesmans entrance around the back!!
What sort of treatment is this? I think they want to give me a bit more exercise!
Trigger was on fair form today, in between nipping out for a fag, so we didn't actually see too much of him. Maybe this smoking ban's not such a bad thing after all!
Obe Wan bought me some of his home-grown new potatoes in today, they are gorgeous, with butter!! Tomorrow we have curried something -or-other. It could be road kill for all I know!
Dad's still reading the cars' instruction manual, I shall leave him to it!
nite, nite.
We bought a new car today, well new to us (6 mths old). Dad isn't very good with technology, wont read instruction books, and so, since 4.00pm has been out every 1/2hr because "I've just thought" kicks in. If the car has any battery power left in the morning I shall be amazed.
You know what he's trying to do?
Set the damn clock!!!!!!!
Liverpool airport was closed today after police found a suspicious vehicle.
Apparently it was taxed, mot'd, insured, and had wheels!
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eyelid in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock I was just wandering if you were my son."
11.30am, usual time on a Sunday lunch. Curry on the bar (homemade by Obe Wan). Freshly picked spring onions for those, like me , who aren't curry fans.
Di, the landlady is behind the bar. We are watching 'Countryfile' on tv. The programme is from Scotland, and they are serving fresh oysters.
"There you go Di, you'll love them". says The Poacher.
"No, I don't like anything slimy in my mouth".
I shall say no more, but leave the rest to your imagination!!
PS...Trigger got slapped!
Trigger doesn't like the smoking ban. (I' m not keen myself). He can't get over the fact that I had a hypnotist help me to stop. No one can do that. Did she wave the coin thing in front of your eyes? "You are under my spell".
I treated all his comments with my usual decorum, until an hour later. "I'm nipping out for a fag, you coming Ironsides?"
"No, thanks, I don't smoke Trigger.!
Aaah, those words!
"You mean you ACTUALLY did that hypnothera..thingy? And it worked?"
"Yes, Trigger, it worked. Just as I'd finished laughing at Trigger a bloke I'd rang earlier came in and gave me £90.00. Nice.
Trigger wanted to know why I was smiling, as I'd just sold my last 600 cigs for £30 a sleeve, and the buyer would sell them for more.
"Trigger, I only paid £15 a sleeve. Cheers!"
5,10.pm, Now I don't usually eat until about 6.30pm, but after yesterdays reaction to the hypnosis I WAS STARVING!
Luckily, I have never had a sweet tooth so comfort eating on chocolate is a no-no. Today was 4 rounds of ham salad sandwiches, a bowl of fresh cherries, and 3 slices of fresh melon.
I think I'm doing well! No craving for a cigarette, no whingeing/ moodiness. This really works!
Dad did tell me off this morning for pissing up a tree and barking at a cat, but hey, I'm no Beagle any more.
I don't smoke anymore!!
What fantastically strange feeling being hypnotised is. You are aware of every sound around you, yet blissfully relaxed. When she brought me out of it, I went rigid for a split second then back to normal. Worth every penny, and I am not even craving one!
Paddy, driving along, pulls alongside a lorry.
"Oi, driver, you're losing your load!"
"Piss off, I'm busy".
5 miles further on.
"Driver, you're still losing your load!"
"Will you sod off, you're in my way!"
5 miles later.
"Driver, honestly, you ARE losing your load!"
"F*CK OFF I'm gritting!!"
It's back! My source of humour is back from holiday, so hear goes.
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy' God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, it seemed the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thoght it a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put his daughter to bed, and listened to her prayers.
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."
The next day Grandma died. Shit, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when his daughter was going to bed he heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He nearly went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to work. He was nervous, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured that if he could last 'till midnight he would be ok.
He felt safe in the office, so he stayed until midnight then went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, " You think you've had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"
I had a letter today from the spinal injuries hospital in Sheffield, where I underwent my re-hab. It is a superb facility, clean, efficient, and full of dedicated staff. The consultant who looked after me wants to see me for a check-up. I haven't been back for three years because there is nothing wrong with me, and Dad is now 78, and it's too much of a round trip for him to drive. So I rang them up and said that I wouldn't be attending because I didn't want to put Dad through the return trip.
They said they would lay on an ambulance from Leicester to take me there and bring me back! Good use of NHS funds? I told them I was still ok, and to give my appointment to someone who needs it.
If they ring back I shall sign myself off.
12.00 noon, pull up at front of pub, close to front door. Exit car. Door is locked. Strange! Dad walks round the back. 5 people, including the landlord stood outside. What is happening?
Di, the landlady has gone to pick Sharon the barmaid up. So what?
She's locked the door, and in turn locked the landlord out!!
12.10. Di returns, and normality resumes. Phew!
Today was the start of nanny states no smoking in enclosed public places. The pub was as busy as usual. and as one might expect the conversation centred around the lack of ashtrays. I went throgh the lunch session without sneaking out for a cig. It was fairly easy because I had a lot of friends in to keep the conversation going thus keeping my mind busy. The big test will be tomorrow, when it will be quieter.
I intend to keep my appointment on Thursday, just to make sure.
My friend's (who was hypnotised 6 months ago) girlfriend went to the same hypnotist last Wednesday, and she hasn't wanted a cig since. If she can stop, I'll have no trouble!
